the hunt

i feel that as americans we are always on the hunt.

no matter what part of our life we are in our minds are set on seek, conquer and kill (not as literally).

i live in new york city and everywhere i go there are people who are constantly on the move and thinking about the next. no one ever takes a moment to relax and just breathe.

i have found myself to slowly, or quickly become on of these people. someone who is always doing something. focusing on multiple things at once and always on the watch of someone else going after what i want.

i can be in the gym and if i am on the treadmill next to someone running at 5.0 mph i will bump mine up to 5.2 mph just because i dont want her to out run me. i dont even know that woman.

grocery shopping is a sport all its own. there is literally an apocalyptic scare every friday and everyone in the city is fighting for the last pint of strawberries at trader joes.

the trains are another issue. it is always crowded and people waiting to get on still seem to think that it is a good idea to crowd rush those getting off. you would think that after years of subway riding these people lunkheads would get it. but no. poor tourists.

and currently i am job hunting..shh..its a secret. but honestly who its always applying to jobs. however i feel like i am always checking job boards like an unwanted pregnancy test. and if i get an interview i stalk my email for a follow-up like as if its my instagram crush.

the point is, im tired of hunting and watching people hunt. the shit just gets old after a while.

Being Balanced

Living in America, well living in NYC, it can become really easy to get unbalanced in life. With the stress of a busy job, families and social life our lives often begin to crumble right before our very eyes. Without realizing it we will soon be buried under this rock we call life.

At the beginning of this year I wanted to make not a resolution, but a solution for the year. A solution to keep from under that rock. I have made a declaration to make my life more balanced. That means professionally, physically, sexually, socially, mentally and most importantly spiritually. I realize that the main reason that many things that I wanted to accomplish last year didn't get done was because I wasn't focused. My mind was racing a thousand miles a minute and I had ninety different things on my plate at once. I didn't allow myself time to focus on me and the things that are most important. So, to get started on my more balanced life I did the following things:

1. Pray about my situation. I always try to consult with God on everything that I do. No matter how big or small the situation may be.


2. Make a list of everything and prioritize them. Putting things down on paper for me has always been the best method. Seeing it always makes it real.


3. Lastly, I take a big breathe and let it all out. The best thing about becoming a balanced person is becoming stress free. There is no way that you can focus on balancing your life when stress is a part of it.

All in all this process will totally rely on the person. Whatever works for you do it. There is no need to add unnecessary stress to your life. I have to tell you working on balancing my life has been the most rewarding things thus far. I definitely look forward to the future.

Let me know how you balance your life. Share your comments below.

 

xoxo

Nikki

A Thinker Vent

So I'm at work and I have absolutely nothing to do. Usually when this happens my mind races and starts to go into all kinds of directions. I will begin to over think things that don't need to be over thought, worry about things that need no worry and stress about something that isn't even worth it. This is all because I have this problem called "A Thinker". You see when the average person has about 2-5 thoughts running through their mind I have about 10-15. That's 10-15 complete thoughts in my mind at once. I have no clue how I juggle all of them but it seems to work out for me. At times I just want to relax and have a clear mind but that doesn't happen to often. I will literally try to not think about something. But thinking about that makes me think about other things and then I'm back to 10-15 thoughts. It's annoying! I feel like I have tried everything. I will even attempt to write my thoughts down, thinking maybe this will help alleviate some space in my mind. Then that empty space is filled with new thoughts. I need an off/on button for my brain. Maybe that will help. I'm not sure. Whatever I need to do I hope that I can come to some sort of conclusion quick.

For Freedom Not For Beauty

There’s a beauty that lives so deep inside each of us.

There’s a fickle eye that doesn’t believe anything it sees.

There’s a benefit in love that erases all doubt and believes good intentions.

There’s an ear that isn’t free enough to give the honest man the benefit of the doubt cluttered by lies not-mentioned.

Since when is creativity subject to criticism?

When is honesty subject to a jury of fears who wouldn’t believe rain if it fell, or sun if it shined?

Sometimes a flower grows when no ones watching.

Sometimes a bird sings and no one hears.

There’s a meadow no one runs on and a cloud no one names.

And what would the sky be with out the sun?

What would the earth be with out its rose?

They’d still be the sky and the Earth.

So perhaps there is a peace in becoming.

Perhaps the meaning is in the experience and not the sight.

Maybe a flower grows because it suffocates under ground.

Whether or not she is always noticed, beauty must become.

She doesn’t look for an eye.

She doesn’t listen for a voice.

She just becomes,

For Freedom Not For Beauty

-Chrisette Michele

Loyalty vs. Honesty

If you had to choose between the two which would you choose?

I was watching a video on YouTube the other day and the question was posed as to which is more important, loyalty or honesty. After watching the video I found myself thinking really hard about my answer. At first I thought that it would depend on the person I am expecting it from. The second thought was, well that shouldn't matter. Whoever you are dealing with should encompass both of those qualities. You can't and shouldn't have one without the other.

I am seeing this new guy and in the beginning of a relationship honesty and loyalty are the number one things that should be discussed. The way I work is that I am honest with each person that I am with. If I am honest with you my loyalty comes along with that. I would also expect the same from them. That's really all anyone can ask for. There are times where I can over share but that's something different I have to work on. My only goal in this is to be as honest as possible.

I don't mean for this to be an extensive post. It's just something that was on my mind. What do you think? Which is more important for you? Loyalty or honesty? Can you have one without the other?

my mind is stronger than my body

although I love to run and make sure I maintain a healthy lifestyle, I sometimes need encouragement as well. losing 80 lbs doesn't mean that's it. I find it harder now than ever to stay motivated. its only been almost a week since my last run and im already feeling gross. yes, i used the weather, sore muscles, PMS and having family in town as an excuse but that doesn't make it right. this morning the first thing i did, even before brushing my teeth, was pack a gym bag. even though the weather is disgusting out i wont let that stop me.
so to anyone out there who has just started working out or to those who do it on a regualr basis like myself and feel like a failure for missing a few days, always remember that your mind is stronger than your body. put on those kicks and get moving!

a woman scorned

loving you isn't suppose to hurt me. i am suppose to feel the safe and secure. except i feel nothing but fear and agony. i don't know how much more i can give. i know things about you that you have no clue of me knowing. but i love you in spite of. your actions don't deserve the love that i give you. your actions don't deserve me. i love myself too damn much to be pulled, mangled and dangled. i am a great woman with a shit ton of potential and if you cant see that then there is something is wrong with you. not me. i love you, but loving you doesn't mean i have to be with you. if you want me, come get me. i refuse to chase anyone that doesn't want to be kept.

Quarter Life Reflections...

It's 10:09 on Sunday night. Yesterday was my birthday and I turned the big 25. I can now check the 25- 32 box on random applications. All day I received happy birthday wishes in various forms. At one point it got very overwhelming. I didn't realize how many people I had met over the years and the many different friendships I had formed. For a second I had a  Big Fish moment, where everyone I had met throughout my lifetime had all come to one place to celebrate my life. Everyone having different stories of how we met and the crazy situations that we got into. There were even some people that I pushed out of my life because they brought no peace to it. Those people were reminders of how far I have come as a woman and also of how I should continue to live my life.  I felt blessed to have such amazing people in my life to celebrate my life with and I can't wait to do this again next year.

I was able to celebrate in a true 25 year old fashion. Ending my year with a night of 10 amazing friends and some new ones too, wild sweaty dancing, chocolate chip cookies that Martha Stewart couldn't compete with, 10 shots of liquid birthday cake,  5 beautiful Irish men that each came with a shot of something called Jameson, a crazy taxi ride, a platter of fried goodness and my very own Coyote Ugly experience. That is all just putting it lightly.  My last night as a 24 year old rocked my socks off!

(Disclaimer: I realized the morning after that I cannot hang the way I used to in college. lol However it was fun while it lasted.)

So, now that I am officially an "adult" what do I do? What are my goals for the next 25 years? To be honest it's a little difficult to say what my goals are for the next 25 years, which is expected. However, I can say that for the next 5 years I see myself becoming something more beautiful and amazing. Not to sound cocky or anything.

In my professional life my goal is to complete my masters program and begin my career in the magazine world. I also would like to go back and do some work in the non profit sector. In my health life my goal is remain a healthy lifestyle, maybe get to my goal weight of 150lbs, I'm at 165 lbs now. This is not a major issue since I don't believe in putting pressure on oneself about this, but it would be pretty sweet to get there.  I would also like to learn a form of dance, maybe salsa. That's random but it goes with health. I would like to visit 3 new countries within the next 5 years. Traveling is very important to me and I find it to be an essential to personal growth. Lastly, my love life. Oh my infamous random love life. I don't want to make goals but I do know what I am open to. I am open to a relationship, possibly with someone that I can learn and grow with. Have wonderful experiences with and discuss a future with. I am also open to starting a family. Let's get real, I don't want to have children at a late age. I would rather start a family before I'm 35. I think it's very important for children to have parents that will be around when they have start to have their own. True, these things will come with time and patience but it's alright to put them in the air.

For now I will continue to live the life I have built for myself. Enjoy my little apartment in Brooklyn, enjoy my masters program, run around New York City and get lost from time to time, laugh and sing with my girlfriends and enjoy each day as if it were my last!

What Will They Say About Me?

When I die what will people say about me? Was I kind? Loving? Selfless? Or will they say that I worried too much? That I didn't take enough time for the little things? Will there be anything to carry on my legacy? Will I die with an honorable name? Will people sit around and share stories about how we met? Will there be tears?

This is a question that often comes to my mind. A big part of my anxiety and panic disorder is my fear of death. It's not necessarily the act of dying that I fear, it's mostly life after me that I fear. How will my family be affected by it? What will my sisters do? If I die before my parents will they ever cope with the lost? Will I have done everything that I wanted to do before I left? It may seem premature to have these thoughts but its can really make the mind wonder.

I know that death is apart of life and we all will have to die one day but what happens when that comes too early. I am a believer that God never makes mistakes but sometimes its difficult to understand why he keeps certain people and allow others to die. For example, I was watching the news the other day about the recent Boston bombing attacks and they were covering the story of the young university police officer that was killed while on duty. The news station interviewed his family, asking questions about the young mans character and what type of person he was. The family told honorable stories about how he always wanted to be a police officer and how he was always a loving a nurturing person. Events like these surely can make the mind run. Did that young man ever ask himself the same question that I do to myself? Did they say what he had wished? Did he leave a legacy?

It's a scary thought knowing that when you die many will be left in pain and heartache. For me it's damn near terrifying. Every day I pray for safety for my family, friends and all around me. That no one is hurt and put in harm's way. But we can't always control the things around us. How do we handle unexpected death and protect those we love from it?

So, what do you think? What will the people you leave behind in the world say about you? Were you kind,loving and selfless. Did you do everything that you wanted to do? What will be your legacy?

Although these thoughts create fear in the heart and mind they also create drive. I feel the most determined when I think about the short amount of time that we have on this earth. It's so important to me to love those that are in my life and to make sure that I have the best that I can be. I never want to have what ifs and I wish I would've. I know life isn't perfect and that we can't control everything that happens within it. But if you had the chance to be a fly on the way at your funeral, would you take it?

Letters to My Father: A Young Woman’s Journey to Finding Her Birth Father

These are letters that I wrote to my birth father, one right before graduating college and the other earlier this month, three years later.  When writing the first letter I had every intention of mailing it off, but unfortunately I never had the courage to. I went through a lot trying to find my father before graduating, but back then I didn’t care. I had to know who he was. However, three years have passed and I do not feel that way anymore. I have grown into a woman who understands that what happened with him does not define my future. Therefore, the second letter is a reflection of how I feel about our "relationship" right now. Enjoy!


April 9, 2010

Dear Father,

All I know about you is your first and last name. No birthday, no family history, no school names, no favorite colors, no genetic diseases, no nicknames, not even a middle name. So if I was to try to look for you, it would be almost impossible to find out who you are. I knew nothing about who you were for a long time. I didn’t even know that you existed. It wasn’t until high school that I really began to wonder who you were, but at that time I didn’t really care to know who you were. I always thought that I would be better off not knowing. That was until I would see other teenage girls to have their fathers in their lives giving them boy advice and telling them the rules of dating. I didn’t have you to teach me how to fish, ride a bike, throw rocks, build things, take them apart, or to learn about cars. I’m not saying that since you weren’t there I never learned these things, but these are things that a father should teach his daughter. My mother did everything that she could to make up for what you didn't do. But the reality is that she is not a man and can never be one.  I think that I would have been a wonderful daughter to you. I would come to you to tell you about my day, to ask you all sorts of questions about your work. I would have been the daughter to cherish her daddy and be proud of him, for the man that he was. I would have been the daughter to want any boy that I date to be just like you because I would know that I had the daddy who would love his daughter unconditionally. I would have been the daughter who would want you to give me away on my wedding day. I would be the daughter who needed your protection from all men.

In my freshman year of college, I told myself that I would find out who you were before my graduation day. I won’t look to you for money.  I just want to meet you, to see who this other half of me is. I want to know where I got my lazy eye from. I want to know who is responsible for me having small fingers and toes. I want to know if you bit your nails when you were younger or if you still do. I want to know what you look like, if you look like what I imagined. Are you short and brown skin like me or are you tall and light-skinned? Do you walk the way I walk and talk the way I do? Are you a people person and love to be around a big crowd like me? Do you like to read and write? What was your favorite subject in school? Did you even like school? What were your goals in life? Did you want to have kids? Did you love my mother? Or even care about her? Did you know about me? Did you ever think about me or did you want to find me? Have you been watching me from a distance all these years? Do I have any other siblings? Or a step mother? If so, what are they like? Do they look like me?

I have spent all fours years of my college life trying to find you. Calling many homes with the only information that I knew about you and having no success in my search. Asking around with people who I thought may know who you are and where you were. Many told lies and didn’t say much about you. It was if you never existed. I remember giving up in my sophomore year because I would get so tired of finding dead ends. Then after I came back from studying abroad in South Korea, I figured I could try again. I remember calling houses and people's jobs explaining who I was and what I was trying to do. One lady even got mad at me for asking about the wrong person. I just knew that I was going to meet the man who blood ran deep in my veins. I have since then been unsuccessful with finding out who you are. I still only know two pieces of information about you, which is your first and last name. I don’t know your birthday, your favorite color, your family history or even your middle name. So if I continue to look for you it would be almost impossible for me to succeed. If I ever get the chance to meet you and tell you anything it would just be thank you. Thank you for showing me what a man and a father shouldn’t be like. I thank you for letting me experience hurt and pain. I thank you for abandoning me. It has made me much stronger than I ever would have been. Thank you for not being there when I didn’t want you there. Thank you for not being able to tell my secrets and to stop me from doing all the wrong things I did. Thank you for showing me how much you cared about me.

Your daughter,

Dominique

Three years later...

April 13, 2013

Dear Anthony Simpson,

It has been seven years since I began my journey to find you and seven long years it has been. In my previous letter I felt the need to please you and let you know that I was the perfect daughter. I felt that I owed it to you and myself. However, after much failure and frustration my feelings have severely changed. With no help from you I have graduated from Tougaloo College with honors. I served for 2 year in AmeriCorps, helping families and organizations around the country that were in need. I mentored to children, without parents, who needed a big sister and friend to turn to. I am currently studying for my Masters in Publishing and started my own website. I don’t have any children. I have never been in trouble with the law and a wonderful and supportive mother who has been there all the times you weren't.

A year ago I found out some less than flattering things about you. One in particular I’m sure that you are very aware of and that I won’t mention. Unfortunately I never learned if I had siblings, your favorite color, if you wanted children or if you even know who I am. I thought for a long time that not knowing you would have a negative effect on my life. I have now come to the realization that not knowing those details about your life has only made me stronger. It has taught me to be independent and self-assuring. To love myself even if no one else will.  Yes, I have had some struggles in life but each and every time I have picked myself up and kept on living.

Anthony I want you to know that during all those years I only wanted one thing from you and that was recognition. I never wanted money or even five minutes of your time. I just wanted you to know that I have succeeded far beyond I can imagine. I am only 24 years old accomplished many things beyond what I could have ever dreamed with still many more years ahead of me. I have allowed your absence to severely affect my relationship with many people in my life. I spend so much time trying to get people to love me and accept me only because you never did. I always thought that my relationship with you, the back and forth of fighting for you to love me, was normal. That same behavior reflected into the rest of my life. I have experienced too much heartache because of your nonexistent love. So, I officially give up trying to find you. I no longer care about your middle name, your favorite food, if you have other children, or what you want to do with your life. I have lived this long without you and I intended on keeping it that way. I have been blessed beyond my means and I owe none of that credit to you.

Your daughter,

Dominique Ingram

Why Does She Stay?

Every woman has been in a relationship with a guy that she should not be with. It may not be a relationship, even having a potential boyfriend around that shouldn't be there is toxic. Recently I have been dating/talking to several guys, guys I all like equally. Now, to be clear I have been single for over 3 years and I am now stable enough and ready to be in a relationship. So while dating I am looking to date someone with the same intentions. Unfortunately, not everyone I am seeing is on the same page as me and I haven't gotten rid of those that aren't. It is also sad to say that I am not the only woman in this position.

Every last guy that I am currently talking to at the moment is not only emotionally unavailable but they aren't even looking to be in a  relationship. So of course you are wondering, "Why in the hell are you still dating/talking to them?" I can honestly say for two of them we have been friends for years and I would feel terrible if I just cut either one of them out of my life just because we can't be together. Having love for someone doesn't equal to being in love with them.   However, that doesn't mean that  deep in the back of my fairytale mind I haven't thought of the possibility of me spending my life with one of them. I thankfully know that this will never happen. It sounds terrible but its very true. The other guy, a newer dude I met since living in NYC, has recently let me know that he is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Now, we have been going back and forth for months with our "relationship" and it's starting to get annoying. We always have a good time when we hang out, we get along very well and have great chemistry. But again, if I want to be in a relationship and he doesn't at the moment, why am I still seeing him? I have no freaking clue! Which is why I am writing this. I really need a white board to be able to sort out all my thoughts and weigh my pros and cons.

Note: I started writing this post last week and the guy that I talk about in the above paragraph is no longer in my life. He has once again gone ghost. Three strikes and this guy is definitely OUT!

Whenever I think about situations like this I always wonder if I am the only woman who questions why she stays. Over the years I have had plenty of late night conversations with girlfriends on this much heated topic. We sit and talk about the shitty things that these worthless men we allow in our lives do but we never ever do anything about it. We never demanded that they do more and be better toward us. We never keep our so-called standards and make sure that we settle for less. We allow ourselves to bend and break just to have a taste of what we think happiness is. This baffles me. Why do we as women allow this? What makes these men so deserving of our time? Is it stupidity? Is it loneliness? Denial? Do we enjoy the drama? Perhaps we think we can change them. Whatever the reason we must do better.

I always find it difficult to cut someone out of my life. No matter what the person has done, I still find a small place in my heart to forgive and keep them around. However, I have recently learned that I can't allow for this same behavior to continue. Forgiving doesn't always mean you have to forget, nor does it mean you have to allow them to make the same mistakes again. It doesn't mean that I don't forgive them just the same, it just means that I have to be more aware of how it affects me.

Now that I have come to these personal realizations I can only hope that other women can do the same.

True Life: I Have Anxiety and Panic Disorder

When I was 12 years old I was molested by a family friend. Since then I have dealt with a really bad case of anxiety. For years I didn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn't understand what anxiety was and how it even happened to me. I thought I was dealing this typical teenage girl problems, you know the mood swings, attitudes and crying all the time. I didn't know what triggered my anxiety or how to stop it. So for nearly 7 years I hid my problem. If I felt a panic attack coming I would hide anywhere to keep my secret, places like  the bathroom, my bedroom or even a closet. I would sit for minutes even close to an hour trying to calm myself down. Sometimes I would be successful, others I just fought through it until I cried myself to sleep.

I realize that this may sound very foreign and confusing to some people, especially those who have never experienced this personally. So, I will attempt to explain what a typical panic attack for me is like.

::: I am sitting in church, not really paying attention to what is going on. My body is there but my mind is in a very dark and cloudy place. I'm thinking about my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Someone who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. As I am thinking about the way the breakup happened, over the phone, my mind begins to run. Faster and harder. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute. My hands are sweaty and shaky. The pit of my stomach has tied itself into multiple knots. My body burns with heat. My breathing is now uncontrollable. I hold my chest is tight and I am gasping for air. I feel like I am being strangled by someone unseen. Fearing that I will die I begin to sob. Sobbing turns into hysterical crying. I immediately get up from my seat and run outside. Screaming with pain and fear. I kneel down to calm myself. I hold my arms close, rocking myself until I  am at peace. :::

During my undergraduate years I can remember learning to control my anxiety before they turned into a panic attack. There were some moments where I slipped and things became a little difficult to handle but for the most part I was doing really well. I will say that the use of recreational drugs (marijuana), along with other forms of therapy (non-medicinal), significantly helped with my anxiety. By no means am I advising others who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder to use that method, I'm just saying what worked for me. Also, you are probably wondering why I never  took prescribed medication.  I am the type of person that does a lot of research and I wasn't conformable with the side effects that some people were experiencing from these prescribed medications. So, I took the holistic route. This method of treatment  obviously ended once I graduated college.  After college, while in AmeriCorps NCCC, I can specifically remember having one very bad panic attack. This was earlier on in my service year when a very close family friend of mine passed away. Thankfully I had a tremendous amount of support from my AmeriCorps NCCC team and I was able to go to them when I felt my anxiety coming back. Another thing that helped with my anxiety was exercising. Anytime I felt my anxiety getting bad I would immediately go for a walk or run. This activity allowed me to clear my head and level myself.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am writing about this now. A few weeks ago I noticed that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than normal. Initially I thought it was post vacation blues. Then when the anxiety occurred daily I became a lot more concerned about it. To be honest I did have a lot on my mental plate. I was dealing with a little heartbreak, worried about my professional future and I was dealing with some major issues with my birth father. Unfortunately, my anxiety got the best of me and I had a really rough two weeks.  I have had five panic attacks in the past two weeks. Last Thursday I cried for my entire 40 minute subway ride to work and  all day at work. That is when I realized that I needed to address this problem head on and stop denying it.

I choose to hide my anxiety and panic disorder because it makes me feel weak, alone and like no one understands me. I also feel like I'm never going to get better. I fear that this will interfere with every aspect of my life from professional to personal. However, after seeing a counselor about what was going on it was evident that I deal with this.

So here I am dealing with it.

Late Night Thoughts

Recently I have been in an odd space with myself. Being sick allows you a lot of time to think. Think about your future, money, happiness, love: hell everything! Last night I filmed a vlog for my YouTube channel, Nappy Nikki Vlogs, (http://youtu.be/n1v5X7NH1zU) about purpose. I talked about life and what my purpose in life is and after a few hours of thinking I have no clue what my purpose is. In the past three years I have lived and traveled all over the US seeing and meeting all sorts of interesting people. Working for organizations that I loved and those that I didn't care for too much. I have been living in New York since September 2012 and I'm not happy. I realize that I have a job, an apartment in Brooklyn, and girlfriends I love so dearly. But when I lay in bed at night none of those thing comfort me, none of those things keep me warm and protect me. I enjoy surrounding myself with people because at night when I'm alone I feel lonely. I don't feel protected. I don't feel secure. I don't feel loved. I feel lonely.

It's interesting what your brain can do to you in the middle of the night. It reveals secrets that you try your best to conceal in the light. It reminds you of your insecurities and your flaws. My late night thoughts have shown me a lot about myself. Many of those things I try to fight and ignore but that's a battle that I seldom win. I'm not sure what my life has in store for me. I'm not sure if New York is going to be the place that I call my home. I am sure that I am willing to fight and figure it out. I'm a woman. I'm insecure at times. I cry and my mind will change every second. Aghhh....it is what it is.

Random Thoughts: Writing a book may be in my Future

Last week, I went through my old email account and found my college senior thesis. I wrote a collection of short stories from past experiences in my life. They range from the homes I lived in as a child to my first love. I initially started the short stories because of my favorite author David Sedaris. One of my favorite books of his is Me Talk Pretty. He can take the most unconventional, most embarrassing moment in a person's life and make it seem totally normal through wit and humor. I took the same approach when writing  my thesis. After writing my thesis I had the idea to continue and write a book, but out of fear I ran away from the idea. Now, 3 year later, I have started to edit my senior thesis and now I'm having the feeling that I want to complete the book. That may seem like a haphazard thing to some people. Just wake up and say, "I'm going to write a book today." But for me its way more than that. In my almost 25 years on this earth I have seen, done, heard and thought about some insane things. I feel that I have gone through things in my life that someone somewhere in the world can relate to. So in an ordinary Nappy Nikki fashion I will do what I know how to do best, use my words. So here's to a new beginning!

P.S. I started vlogging on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/NikkivsNaps. Stop by if your interested.

-NN

clamminess at its finest

i have always had clammy hands. not to the point where they are soaked, but just enough to bother me. and enough for me to have to drag my hands along my pants once or twice a day. i didnt think it was a problem, i actually thought it happened to everyone. you know when you’re nervous, hot, when you’re typing, and even eating hot food your hands sweat. normal right? well…

anywho, i was talk to Ivory (my cousin) the other day and was complaining about how clammy my hands were. She, being the detective that she is, quickly looked up information on exactly what my hands problem was. here are the details:

Name: Palmar Hyperhidrosis

Cause: Primary cause of Palmar Hyperhidrosis is unknown, but there are some surgeons that claim it is caused by sympathetic (haha sympathetic) over activity. Also, nervousness or excitement can intensify the clamminess.

Possible Treatments:

1. Aluminum Chloride- stuff used in deodorant


2. Botox- which you would have to get every 4-9 months


3. Oxybutynin- which is an anticholinergic drug (I had to look that up) that has side effects of drowsiness, visual symptoms and dryness of the mouth.


4. Lastly, you can just have those puppies removed, and by puppies I mean your sweat glands.

Other stuff: There are also cases were Palmar Hyperhidrosis can create devastating emotional effects on a persons life. Most affected people are constantly aware of their clamminess and try to avoid situations were they could possibly be embarrassed. They avoid touching objects and humans. Having a job in culinary would be difficult because they would run the risk of knives slipping out their hands. If they had a job that required a background check they would have a difficult time getting finger prints. They would have to constantly wipe things down if they worked in sales and they would find difficulty playing an instrument.

now, with knowing all that information, i began to double think this little moist problem of mine. (btw i hate to say the word moist, but typing it is not so bad) although it sounds horrible, there is definitely an upside to this. im in an elite group of people. about 2.8% of Americans are affected by Hyperhidrosis. that made me feel special. i began to feel a little better about it and embrace it. i’ll just try to avoid doors, people, fingerprint scanners, computers, cellphones, bottles, pens, animals, food, knives, faucets and humans.

peace

nikki

p.s. as i wrote this i dried my hands approximately 20 times.