Recently I have been in an odd space with myself. Being sick allows you a lot of time to think. Think about your future, money, happiness, love: hell everything! Last night I filmed a vlog for my YouTube channel, Nappy Nikki Vlogs, (http://youtu.be/n1v5X7NH1zU) about purpose. I talked about life and what my purpose in life is and after a few hours of thinking I have no clue what my purpose is. In the past three years I have lived and traveled all over the US seeing and meeting all sorts of interesting people. Working for organizations that I loved and those that I didn't care for too much. I have been living in New York since September 2012 and I'm not happy. I realize that I have a job, an apartment in Brooklyn, and girlfriends I love so dearly. But when I lay in bed at night none of those thing comfort me, none of those things keep me warm and protect me. I enjoy surrounding myself with people because at night when I'm alone I feel lonely. I don't feel protected. I don't feel secure. I don't feel loved. I feel lonely.
It's interesting what your brain can do to you in the middle of the night. It reveals secrets that you try your best to conceal in the light. It reminds you of your insecurities and your flaws. My late night thoughts have shown me a lot about myself. Many of those things I try to fight and ignore but that's a battle that I seldom win. I'm not sure what my life has in store for me. I'm not sure if New York is going to be the place that I call my home. I am sure that I am willing to fight and figure it out. I'm a woman. I'm insecure at times. I cry and my mind will change every second. Aghhh....it is what it is.
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