Why Does She Stay?

Every woman has been in a relationship with a guy that she should not be with. It may not be a relationship, even having a potential boyfriend around that shouldn't be there is toxic. Recently I have been dating/talking to several guys, guys I all like equally. Now, to be clear I have been single for over 3 years and I am now stable enough and ready to be in a relationship. So while dating I am looking to date someone with the same intentions. Unfortunately, not everyone I am seeing is on the same page as me and I haven't gotten rid of those that aren't. It is also sad to say that I am not the only woman in this position.

Every last guy that I am currently talking to at the moment is not only emotionally unavailable but they aren't even looking to be in a  relationship. So of course you are wondering, "Why in the hell are you still dating/talking to them?" I can honestly say for two of them we have been friends for years and I would feel terrible if I just cut either one of them out of my life just because we can't be together. Having love for someone doesn't equal to being in love with them.   However, that doesn't mean that  deep in the back of my fairytale mind I haven't thought of the possibility of me spending my life with one of them. I thankfully know that this will never happen. It sounds terrible but its very true. The other guy, a newer dude I met since living in NYC, has recently let me know that he is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Now, we have been going back and forth for months with our "relationship" and it's starting to get annoying. We always have a good time when we hang out, we get along very well and have great chemistry. But again, if I want to be in a relationship and he doesn't at the moment, why am I still seeing him? I have no freaking clue! Which is why I am writing this. I really need a white board to be able to sort out all my thoughts and weigh my pros and cons.

Note: I started writing this post last week and the guy that I talk about in the above paragraph is no longer in my life. He has once again gone ghost. Three strikes and this guy is definitely OUT!

Whenever I think about situations like this I always wonder if I am the only woman who questions why she stays. Over the years I have had plenty of late night conversations with girlfriends on this much heated topic. We sit and talk about the shitty things that these worthless men we allow in our lives do but we never ever do anything about it. We never demanded that they do more and be better toward us. We never keep our so-called standards and make sure that we settle for less. We allow ourselves to bend and break just to have a taste of what we think happiness is. This baffles me. Why do we as women allow this? What makes these men so deserving of our time? Is it stupidity? Is it loneliness? Denial? Do we enjoy the drama? Perhaps we think we can change them. Whatever the reason we must do better.

I always find it difficult to cut someone out of my life. No matter what the person has done, I still find a small place in my heart to forgive and keep them around. However, I have recently learned that I can't allow for this same behavior to continue. Forgiving doesn't always mean you have to forget, nor does it mean you have to allow them to make the same mistakes again. It doesn't mean that I don't forgive them just the same, it just means that I have to be more aware of how it affects me.

Now that I have come to these personal realizations I can only hope that other women can do the same.

My Father is a Registered Sex Offender

http://youtu.be/F1B7fkLdzcY

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Sometimes, You Have to Kiss and Tell

Women always say that a good girl never kisses and tells, but sometimes that rule has to be thrown out.

Very few people get to experience mind blowing, toe curling, leg shaking, passionate sex. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about or who have never had the pleasure of experiencing this let me paint you a picture.

You have been traveling for hours you're sticky and gross. You get out of a hot shower your body squeaky clean. Wrapped in a towel you exit the bathroom only to be walked to a bed where every inch of your body is taken away from you. You lay down, your towel opens and your clean naked body is now exposed. Kissed from the top of your head, down to your neck, ending at your holy grail. Your body is floating in air and you can see yourself in pure ecstasy. Your body trembles with fire and you lose all sense of feeling in your toes, fingers, and face. Your body explodes like a volcano that has been idle for hundreds of years. What's happening is unfamiliar, scary and enticing all the same time. As you cool off you realize that you haven't been entered, just merely kissed by the sweetest lips that have ever graced the earth.

Or...

It's morning and you can feel the new Sun warming your face through the small cracks in the blinds. You know it's morning but you fight back the urgency to get out of bed. Turning your face the opposite way you feel a warm hand running up the side of your left leg. Still half asleep you let it be and enjoy the caress of his hands. You feel like a beautiful piece of art that he longs to desire. Suddenly you feel a weight on your back, not too heavy where you feel smothered, but just light enough where you feel protected. You can feel his heart beating straight through your chest. Slow, steady and calm as ever. The two bodies together begin to mold into one as he enters you from behind. He places his head in the nook of your right shoulder. Up and down, in and out your bodies dance to the beat of of the morning birds. Breathing hard each time they collide. You can't believe that something so simple can bring this much pleasure. His voice deepens as he goes deeper to find your treasure. Getting closer your body vibrates with excitement. Wanting this moment to last forever you fight your bodies urge to melt all over him. Up and down, in and out he is still inside of you. Breathing harder and harder he finds what he's been looking for. He then explodes, releasing his ink, leaving his mark and claiming that you are his. Now you both lay, he still on top of you, breathing in sync and weak from your dance. You turn your face to his and simply say, "Good morning".

I'm Sleeping w/ My Brother and Other Confessions

I'm Sleeping w/ My Brother and Other Confessions

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12 and Pregnant

Recently I read an article in the Huffington Post entitled, New Mexico Bill Would Criminalize Abortions After Rape As 'Tampering With Evidence'. Upon continuing to reading the post my initial thought was rage. So to educate myself I continued to read the article, which states, "Tampering with evidence shall include procuring or facilitating an abortion, or compelling or coercing another to obtain an abortion, of a fetus that is the result of criminal sexual penetration or incest with the intent to destroy evidence of the crime..."

After reading the entire article I felt that I had to express my views on this topic. This not because I am a concerned US citizen, a crying parent, an angry politician or bible belt wearing saint. I am writing this because I am one of those women this law talks about. Thirteen years ago I was a victim of sexual assault and rape. I was the daughter, granddaughter, sister, and friend that was bound by the disgusting mind of a child molester. So unlike this person who proposed for this bill to be passed, I have a say and I'm saying it.

Just as a full warning, I am very comfortable with discussing what happened to me. I am in no way ashamed nor embarrassed to share my story. It took me 6 years before I ever spoke a word to anyone about what happened to me. I won't be silent now.

I have written several essays about my experience, and each time I discover a new emotion behind it. Some days there's anger and rage, others there is pity and sorrow. I used to reserve these emotions for myself but for the past few years they have been directed at my abuser. It took a great deal of time but I have forgiven that person. Not because I thought they deserved it but because I couldn't go on with my life and forgive myself if I hadn't. I have always been raised in a family were forgiveness was an essential part of life, no matter the crime. However, I have learned that forgiving is much easier than forgetting.

The human brain has to be one of my favorite organs. I can admit that the heart is just as beautiful. But without our brains we are nothing. One thing in particular about the brain that amazes me is its ability to store memory. The hippocampus pronounced [hip-uh-kam-puh s], located in the temporal lobes, is essential for memory function, particularly the transference from short-term to long-term memory and control of spatial memory and behavior. The amygdala pronounced [uh-mig-duh-lee], serves its primary role in the processing and memory or emotional reactions and social and sexual behavior. Don't worry this won't be a lecture on the human brain, I'm just simply trying to get you to understand the connection here. Reading that article triggered those functions in my brain. I immediately thought of 12-year-old me and the emotions that I felt. As a reaction to that thought I thought of what my life would have been like if I had been a 12-year-old pregnant by a someone I considered family.

If a law such as this one existed when I was 12 years old, I could be a mother of a 13-year-old right now. Actually, just the thought of that being a possibility is laughable to me. The fact that anyone would consider forcing an innocent child or person to birth a baby out of rape is beyond insane.  Rape is not just a physical act, but that person is forever mentally damaged. Every time that I come within an inch of have having sexual intercourse my mind reverts back to that torturous summer. Back to feeling dirty hands touching parts of my body my mother told me were sacred. Back to evil stares and false I love you's. Back to dark cold night of hands 5 times the size as mine running up my legs and in between my thighs. Back to feeling a penis ripping my tiny flesh apart. Back to fearing tomorrow. The day where he would continue to  take what was rightfully mine. Back to my 12 year self conjuring up lies to keep him away. Back to hot breath and heavy weight pressing on my tiny skin. Back to pain.

Thankfully when those thoughts begin to race through my mind I know that I am now free. I don't have to worry about carrying some bastard child or think of a lie to keep him away from me because I am sore from the previous night. I am choosing who I give myself to. I know that I have control over my body and what happens to it. I'm not that scared and weak 12-year-old girl anymore. I am a woman who is in control of her own body and who chooses what gets to grow inside of it.

So to that politician that decided to present that bill, I want her to go to the 207,754 people who are sexually assaulted every 2 minutes and tell them to birth the child that will bring them nothing but pain, agony and sorrow. I want her to sit and listen to what starts to pour from their temporal lobes.

i don't enjoy video games, so why would i play yours

Remember that guy Dude? The one I met a month before I moved to NYC and the one who disappeared for a month. Well, it seems as if he might have to take an L, that’s a loss to those of you not hip. I know your probably wondering, “Why, what happened?” But as expected he has dropped the ball once again.

To give a little background, the last time I saw him was last Monday and since we both work in Manhattan I decided to make an effort and see him while we were both in the city at once. It wasn’t anything special just a short casual visit. As I was getting ready to leave he says that he wants to take me out to dinner over the weekend. I don’t show it then but I get excited saying to myself, “Finally, this nigga is stepping up.” Needless to say the weekend came and it went and I had no dinner, call or text. I believe it was Sunday night that I actually spoke to him. I had two missed calls from him 12:30 am and 2:17 am, so I guess I should say Monday morning. I returned the phone call because what could be so important for you to call me at 2:17 in the damn morning. As it turns out, wasn’t shit important. I asked what happened to the dinner plans and all he said was, “I’ll tell you in person”. In person? What the fuck is that about? Then he goes on and on to make promises about shit that he know wont happen. I proceed to reply to each statement with an “Uh huh.” or a “Sure.”

I have never been the type to make a big deal out of small things. Mainly because I hate drama and the only piece of drama that allow to enter my life are reality shows. I also can normally be more patient than the average person but there are times when I reach my limit of acceptable bullshit. So, unfortunately I have to let this one go and get his shit together. I have been patient enough, kind enough and needless to say a very understanding woman about this whole thing. I don’t believe in kicking a person while they’re down so I will just quietly leave this situation while it is still in a somewhat good place.

Now, I have decided that instead of thinking of the worst possible scenario like…maybe he dropped his phone on a subway track. Or maybe he was pushed on a subway track. Maybe he is married and forgot to tell me. Maybe he wasn’t sure that I was sure that he was sure that he wanted to date me. Maybe the one time we had sex was too amazing for him to handle for a second time. Maybe he didn’t like that I don’t eat animals. Maybe he was waiting for the perfect time to cancel on me for the second time. Or maybe he just couldn’t stand to be happy….oh what the hell, I will think the worst possible thing. It would be ass backwards if I don’t.

I will however take a lesson, several lessons, away from this entire situation. They are as follows:

1. If a guy tells you that his last girlfriend cheated on him but there is no way he is still pissed by it, don’t listen to him. He just said that so you can think that she didn’t take his balls when she left with his heart.


2. If a guy repeatedly cancels plans with you and then acts like those plans never existed, act like you forgot too.


3. If a guy calls you at 2:17 in the morning with some bullshit about why he stood you up, put the phone on speaker so that you and your girlfriends can laugh at his ass.


4. If a guy always calls you with the “I just woke up voice” pretend as if you dropped acid right before he called.


5. If a guy insists that he forgot your last name even though your name and number are both saved in his phone, he probably is telling the truth because he’s an idiot.

Don’t misunderstand me people, I did like him. I also still find him very sexy. However, playing games and wasting my time is something I don’t appreciate or tolerate. I have always been a very vocal person and that will never change.

what your woman talks about when you're NOT around

WARNING: The following content may be offensive to some people. Read at your own risk.

The following is a small piece of a conversation between a group of girlfriends. I thought it would be interesting to show how women act when its just them and their girls. The conversation is very much real, but the names have been changed to respect everyone’s privacy.

Enjoy!

Erica:So u guys I swallowed last night!!

Olivia:OMG! How was it? I hope you put him on a diet prior to this.

Erica:It was not as bad as I thought!! No bad taste or anything!! U just have to do it real quick and no just spare of the moment

Olivia:lol yeah, i needs a vegetarian. cause i can’t fathom what meaty sperm must taste like.

Jessica: OMGizzle really? Lmao at meaty sperm Olivia

Erica: Yes Jessica it’s quite arousing

Tasha: Yall are crazy lol

Jessica:Oh ok well lol I have also done it like twice, it does make you feel sort of pornish but it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be

Tasha:Talking about all this swallowing and lusting after fine men and what have you lol

Erica: Lol!! Ok!! So as we all know I’m a freak!!

Olivia: Lol hey girl (Tasha) this single life can bring some interesting thangs. some you want and others you just gotta tell like it is.

Tasha: Im like 50/50 it depends on what mood im in….if i wanna drive his ass wild i would swallow

Erica: We were in bed watching TV and all of a sudden I got horny!! So we started with the normal making out…kissing and grinding!!! So off went the clothes!! Well we normally will do 69 but last night I wanted to please him because when I got off work the house was clean, he had ordered the food and paid for it all I had to do was pick it up!! So felt the need to show my appreciation with something new!! So the sex was so heated that I desired to have his dick in my mouth!!! So I gave him head!! I’m talking about made the nigga whine!! I sucked balls and even licked down by his asshole!! He was shaking well he keep saying about to nut!! Normally

I will catch it and spit but I was so caught up in the moment that I swallowed it!!

Then he ate my pussy like it was going out of style!! Next thing I know we were fucking up against the wall!! Shit was intense!!

dreams, that just so happen to involve sex

WARNING: The following may make some people uncomfortable.

Over the past few weeks I have been having some pretty interesting dreams. I realize that to people who don’t know me personally could give a rats ass about how good or bad my dreams are. However, for those that do know me know that for years I have dealt with chronic nightmares. So to have a week of good dreams, dreams that involve sex, is something to be very excited about.

I like to believe that everyone, at some point in their life, has had a sex dream. They may not want to admit it, but it has happened and nine times out of ten they enjoyed it. The only problem is that they never want to talk about it. Like there is some shame in having dream sex. The first thing a woman or man does after a steamy night of earth shattering sex is tell their girlfriends or their homeboys. It’s just the way it is. You sit and talk over a beer, wine, or blunt and recount each detail as if you are reliving it all over again. For those of you that say you have never done this, you should try it. It is quite healthy and always makes for good conversation.

When the sex happens in a dream people are more afraid to share those dirty details. It is already a known fact that men wake up ever morning with a hard on, so it may be safe to say that most of those are attributed to a dream from the previous night. Women on the other hand are a little different.

I can’t remember my first sex dream or when I actually had it, but I do remember my feelings afterwards. It was just as surreal as reality. When you are dreaming and aware that it is a dream you have the opportunity to allow yourself to behave in ways that you normally wouldn’t. You don’t feel afraid because you know it’s between you and your subconscious. There is a freedom that your mind allows your body to have. As if the two are completely separate.

A few nights ago I had a dream about Dude, from the previous post, and it was surely a shocker. To keep it real, I will just tell you how I told him:

Me:I had a dream about you last night.

Dude: What was the dream about?

Me: We were in some building waiting for something. And for some reason I was really afraid.

Dude: Why?

Me: I don’t know but you kept saying that it would be OK.Then you started holding me and caressing my head. Then you kissed me, starting at my forehead then to my neck. Carefully taking off my clothes one piece after another. You followed and got undressed. After you got undressed, you started kissing me again. Kissing my chest, breast, back, tummy. I continue to rub your chest, kissing your neck. I remember your strong arms. Always liked your arms, they make me feel safe. You laid me on my back, taste me so sweetly, then proceed to enter me. Filling every inch of me as if there was no end.

I felt every single emotion and touch in this dream. I could imagine watching my self and the facial expressions that were being made. This dream was in essence the definition of ecstasy. This person had total control over my body. Now, don’t get it confused this wasn’t some crazy upside down, hands tied behind your back, insert out of Zane novel. This was passion, pleasure and submission all wrapped in a pretty pink bow. As some would say this dream gave me life!

I have learned to handle to cope with the many nightmares that I have had along the years. But this, this is something that I can definitely get used to.

Thank God all dreams ain’t bad.

until there's a ring on it

Sometimes you have to just roll with the punches and see how things will turn out.

It is a known fact that I am a single female living in NYC and eagerly awaiting for my prince charming to come in a sweep me off my feet. It is also a known fact that the McDreamy’s and McSteamy’s aren’t flooding the streets. So instead of waiting for that part of my life to begin I will continue to have the fun that I am obligated to have.

I currently have two men in my life that I would without a doubt consider potential boyfriends. I have been friends with the first guy for about 6 years.  I will call him Guy. We met during my college years and immediately clicked. We have a pretty interesting history and have definitely been there for each other during some crazy times. For about a  year we lost touch but for the past year we have been talking more and getting our friendship back to where it used to be. Now this all sounds happy and magical but I failed to mention that he lives 3500 miles away from me. Yes, 3500 and it will be that way for a few years. I have always cared very deeply for Guy, but our timing has never been perfect. Plus, we are such great friends that I don’t even think labeling our friendship or forcing it into something that it’s not is the best idea.

The second guy is the new kid on the block. I like to call him “dude”. I met Dude a month before I moved to NY. He is absolutely everything that I am looking for in a man. He is very tall, buff, funny, responsible, handsome, smart and a very hard worker. He is also the sweetest thing ever. We talked on the phone for about a month before our first date and after meeting him on our first date I liked him even more. Since then we talked everyday and hung out quite often. That was until the day before Thanksgiving. We were scheduled to go out on a date. A date that I planned and made reservations for. We talked two days prior and everything was ok and still in check. However, when the time came for us to go out he was a no show. Not a call, text or even a fucking smoke signal. For days and at least two weeks I tried to contact him. I honestly didn’t know what to think. Was he not interested? Did he die? What? So after two weeks and I didn’t hear from him I gave up. I took it as a lost. Now it is a little over a month later and he suddenly pops back up and we are back at square one. (I would go into full detail about what happened with him for that month but that’s too much for right now, but it obviously wasn’t anything that made me no longer interested.) I was really feeling him before so why not see where are friendship goes. The point is that now we are starting over, which in some aspects is bitter sweet for me. But it only makes sense.

Besides those two there are other random men that I meet on a daily basis, people on the street, in the gym, and at functions; but none of them are anything special.

Some people would consider the above information a bit scandalous. Fortunately, I believe that myself and women alike have every right to be that way. If a woman doesn’t have a boyfriend or husband then they have every right to weigh there options and make a wise choice on who would be the better mate for them. There is nothing than being in relationship with one person and thinking about what could have been or should have been with someone else. Now I’m not saying that I am making sexy time with more than one guy at one time, although the NY guy and I have had sex once and I most certainly wouldn’t mind a replay.

But like I said, until there’s a ring on it I am just going with the flow.

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hot chocolate daddy’s

as i sit and think about all the beautiful handsome men that come across my path daily, whether it be on the streets of new york or through this wonderful thing call the internet, I am mesmerized by some in particular. im talking about the hot chocolate daddy’s of the world, also known as HCD. i can’t think of any other race that provides such variety when it comes to men better than the african american race. i mean they come in all different flavors and sometimes it’s just too hard to choose.

a little background of where HCD came from, my girlfriend N (didn’t ask if I could use her name) actually introduced me to this amazing acronym a little wile ago. i was already an admirer of the 43 flavors of men that God so graciously blessed me with. but this was a fun new way to nicely admire or point them out. so from now on wen im out with my girlfriends, or alone, and see a nice scoop of black walnut, double chocolate fudge, or my personal favorite chocolate and peanut butter i quietly whisper HCD into the atmosphere.

dont get me wrong people, i thoroughly enjoy a scoop of butter pecan every now and then.

who's resposible for the rain coats?

Whether you are dating or just casually seeing someone, when it comes to the point point of being intimate who is responsible for providing the condoms? Typically you hear men being told to always have condoms on them. But what happens when the woman is the one providing them? How is she judged? And when you are first being intimate with someone (unplanned) and the guy has condoms is there an idea that he came knowing he was getting some booty? Or if he doesn’t come prepared does that make it seem like he isn’t prepared and not safe? What about women? If she is the one with the condoms does that mean she gets around? Or does it mean she is safe and believes in protecting herself? What is the protocol for this? Does it even matter who has them? I feel like as long as they are present in the equation then it really shouldn’t matter.

Right?

bob vs. nature

Im always interested in knowing what peoples views are about adult toys. I come across many people who are afraid to talk about it, let alone think about it. One of my favorite R&B artist, Raheem DeVaughn, has a song called B.O.B, meaning battery operated boyfriend. In his song he talks about how a real man is better than a b.o.b. He has a few valid points. But I don’t know any man that would disagree with him. After listening to his song, I questioned whether Raheem was right. Now don’t get me wrong I enjoy a strong manly man’s loving just as much as the next straight woman. But when I’m not in a monogamous relationship, the real type of love that Raheem sings about is very much absent in my life. And single or not the body wants what the body wants. So in my opinion bob is sometimes better than the real thing. There are many benefits to having a bob. 1. You don’t have to worry about low performance. 2. There is no worry of sexually transmitted diseases. 3. No worries about satisfaction. I mean those are just a few among many, but you can see where I’m going. When a woman isn’t in a relationship, she should be free to perform self pleasure without the worries of someone else judging or looking down on her. Of course she isn’t going to be announcing it to the world, but among a group of girlfriends she should feel free. This topic is one that will forever be debated among men and women forever. Just thought Id put my opinion in.

Peace

Nikki