True Life: I Have Anxiety and Panic Disorder

When I was 12 years old I was molested by a family friend. Since then I have dealt with a really bad case of anxiety. For years I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn’t understand what anxiety was and how it even happened to me. I thought I was dealing this typical teenage girl problems, you know the mood swings, attitudes and crying all the time. I didn’t know what triggered my anxiety or how to stop it. So for nearly 7 years I hid my problem. If I felt a panic attack coming I would hide anywhere to keep my secret, places like  the bathroom, my bedroom or even a closet. I would sit for minutes even close to an hour trying to calm myself down. Sometimes I would be successful, others I just fought through it until I cried myself to sleep.

I realize that this may sound very foreign and confusing to some people, especially those who have never experienced this personally. So, I will attempt to explain what a typical panic attack for me is like.

::: I am sitting in church, not really paying attention to what is going on. My body is there but my mind is in a very dark and cloudy place. I’m thinking about my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Someone who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. As I am thinking about the way the breakup happened, over the phone, my mind begins to run. Faster and harder. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute. My hands are sweaty and shaky. The pit of my stomach has tied itself into multiple knots. My body burns with heat. My breathing is now uncontrollable. I hold my chest is tight and I am gasping for air. I feel like I am being strangled by someone unseen. Fearing that I will die I begin to sob. Sobbing turns into hysterical crying. I immediately get up from my seat and run outside. Screaming with pain and fear. I kneel down to calm myself. I hold my arms close, rocking myself until I  am at peace. :::

During my undergraduate years I can remember learning to control my anxiety before they turned into a panic attack. There were some moments where I slipped and things became a little difficult to handle but for the most part I was doing really well. I will say that the use of recreational drugs (marijuana), along with other forms of therapy (non-medicinal), significantly helped with my anxiety. By no means am I advising others who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder to use that method, I’m just saying what worked for me. Also, you are probably wondering why I never  took prescribed medication.  I am the type of person that does a lot of research and I wasn’t conformable with the side effects that some people were experiencing from these prescribed medications. So, I took the holistic route. This method of treatment  obviously ended once I graduated college.  After college, while in AmeriCorps NCCC, I can specifically remember having one very bad panic attack. This was earlier on in my service year when a very close family friend of mine passed away. Thankfully I had a tremendous amount of support from my AmeriCorps NCCC team and I was able to go to them when I felt my anxiety coming back. Another thing that helped with my anxiety was exercising. Anytime I felt my anxiety getting bad I would immediately go for a walk or run. This activity allowed me to clear my head and level myself.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am writing about this now. A few weeks ago I noticed that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than normal. Initially I thought it was post vacation blues. Then when the anxiety occurred daily I became a lot more concerned about it. To be honest I did have a lot on my mental plate. I was dealing with a little heartbreak, worried about my professional future and I was dealing with some major issues with my birth father. Unfortunately, my anxiety got the best of me and I had a really rough two weeks.  I have had five panic attacks in the past two weeks. Last Thursday I cried for my entire 40 minute subway ride to work and  all day at work. That is when I realized that I needed to address this problem head on and stop denying it.

I choose to hide my anxiety and panic disorder because it makes me feel weak, alone and like no one understands me. I also feel like I’m never going to get better. I fear that this will interfere with every aspect of my life from professional to personal. However, after seeing a counselor about what was going on it was evident that I deal with this.

So here I am dealing with it.

True Life: I Have Anxiety and Panic Disorder

When I was 12 years old I was molested by a family friend. Since then I have dealt with a really bad case of anxiety. For years I didn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn't understand what anxiety was and how it even happened to me. I thought I was dealing this typical teenage girl problems, you know the mood swings, attitudes and crying all the time. I didn't know what triggered my anxiety or how to stop it. So for nearly 7 years I hid my problem. If I felt a panic attack coming I would hide anywhere to keep my secret, places like  the bathroom, my bedroom or even a closet. I would sit for minutes even close to an hour trying to calm myself down. Sometimes I would be successful, others I just fought through it until I cried myself to sleep.

I realize that this may sound very foreign and confusing to some people, especially those who have never experienced this personally. So, I will attempt to explain what a typical panic attack for me is like.

::: I am sitting in church, not really paying attention to what is going on. My body is there but my mind is in a very dark and cloudy place. I'm thinking about my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Someone who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. As I am thinking about the way the breakup happened, over the phone, my mind begins to run. Faster and harder. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute. My hands are sweaty and shaky. The pit of my stomach has tied itself into multiple knots. My body burns with heat. My breathing is now uncontrollable. I hold my chest is tight and I am gasping for air. I feel like I am being strangled by someone unseen. Fearing that I will die I begin to sob. Sobbing turns into hysterical crying. I immediately get up from my seat and run outside. Screaming with pain and fear. I kneel down to calm myself. I hold my arms close, rocking myself until I  am at peace. :::

During my undergraduate years I can remember learning to control my anxiety before they turned into a panic attack. There were some moments where I slipped and things became a little difficult to handle but for the most part I was doing really well. I will say that the use of recreational drugs (marijuana), along with other forms of therapy (non-medicinal), significantly helped with my anxiety. By no means am I advising others who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder to use that method, I'm just saying what worked for me. Also, you are probably wondering why I never  took prescribed medication.  I am the type of person that does a lot of research and I wasn't conformable with the side effects that some people were experiencing from these prescribed medications. So, I took the holistic route. This method of treatment  obviously ended once I graduated college.  After college, while in AmeriCorps NCCC, I can specifically remember having one very bad panic attack. This was earlier on in my service year when a very close family friend of mine passed away. Thankfully I had a tremendous amount of support from my AmeriCorps NCCC team and I was able to go to them when I felt my anxiety coming back. Another thing that helped with my anxiety was exercising. Anytime I felt my anxiety getting bad I would immediately go for a walk or run. This activity allowed me to clear my head and level myself.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am writing about this now. A few weeks ago I noticed that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than normal. Initially I thought it was post vacation blues. Then when the anxiety occurred daily I became a lot more concerned about it. To be honest I did have a lot on my mental plate. I was dealing with a little heartbreak, worried about my professional future and I was dealing with some major issues with my birth father. Unfortunately, my anxiety got the best of me and I had a really rough two weeks.  I have had five panic attacks in the past two weeks. Last Thursday I cried for my entire 40 minute subway ride to work and  all day at work. That is when I realized that I needed to address this problem head on and stop denying it.

I choose to hide my anxiety and panic disorder because it makes me feel weak, alone and like no one understands me. I also feel like I'm never going to get better. I fear that this will interfere with every aspect of my life from professional to personal. However, after seeing a counselor about what was going on it was evident that I deal with this.

So here I am dealing with it.

Late Night Thoughts

Recently I have been in an odd space with myself. Being sick allows you a lot of time to think. Think about your future, money, happiness, love: hell everything! Last night I filmed a vlog for my YouTube channel, Nappy Nikki Vlogs, (http://youtu.be/n1v5X7NH1zU) about purpose. I talked about life and what my purpose in life is and after a few hours of thinking I have no clue what my purpose is. In the past three years I have lived and traveled all over the US seeing and meeting all sorts of interesting people. Working for organizations that I loved and those that I didn't care for too much. I have been living in New York since September 2012 and I'm not happy. I realize that I have a job, an apartment in Brooklyn, and girlfriends I love so dearly. But when I lay in bed at night none of those thing comfort me, none of those things keep me warm and protect me. I enjoy surrounding myself with people because at night when I'm alone I feel lonely. I don't feel protected. I don't feel secure. I don't feel loved. I feel lonely.

It's interesting what your brain can do to you in the middle of the night. It reveals secrets that you try your best to conceal in the light. It reminds you of your insecurities and your flaws. My late night thoughts have shown me a lot about myself. Many of those things I try to fight and ignore but that's a battle that I seldom win. I'm not sure what my life has in store for me. I'm not sure if New York is going to be the place that I call my home. I am sure that I am willing to fight and figure it out. I'm a woman. I'm insecure at times. I cry and my mind will change every second. Aghhh....it is what it is.