What Will They Say About Me?

When I die what will people say about me? Was I kind? Loving? Selfless? Or will they say that I worried too much? That I didn't take enough time for the little things? Will there be anything to carry on my legacy? Will I die with an honorable name? Will people sit around and share stories about how we met? Will there be tears?

This is a question that often comes to my mind. A big part of my anxiety and panic disorder is my fear of death. It's not necessarily the act of dying that I fear, it's mostly life after me that I fear. How will my family be affected by it? What will my sisters do? If I die before my parents will they ever cope with the lost? Will I have done everything that I wanted to do before I left? It may seem premature to have these thoughts but its can really make the mind wonder.

I know that death is apart of life and we all will have to die one day but what happens when that comes too early. I am a believer that God never makes mistakes but sometimes its difficult to understand why he keeps certain people and allow others to die. For example, I was watching the news the other day about the recent Boston bombing attacks and they were covering the story of the young university police officer that was killed while on duty. The news station interviewed his family, asking questions about the young mans character and what type of person he was. The family told honorable stories about how he always wanted to be a police officer and how he was always a loving a nurturing person. Events like these surely can make the mind run. Did that young man ever ask himself the same question that I do to myself? Did they say what he had wished? Did he leave a legacy?

It's a scary thought knowing that when you die many will be left in pain and heartache. For me it's damn near terrifying. Every day I pray for safety for my family, friends and all around me. That no one is hurt and put in harm's way. But we can't always control the things around us. How do we handle unexpected death and protect those we love from it?

So, what do you think? What will the people you leave behind in the world say about you? Were you kind,loving and selfless. Did you do everything that you wanted to do? What will be your legacy?

Although these thoughts create fear in the heart and mind they also create drive. I feel the most determined when I think about the short amount of time that we have on this earth. It's so important to me to love those that are in my life and to make sure that I have the best that I can be. I never want to have what ifs and I wish I would've. I know life isn't perfect and that we can't control everything that happens within it. But if you had the chance to be a fly on the way at your funeral, would you take it?