Everyone Argues

I come from an extended family of a lot of fights (verbal and physical). As a child I didn't realize that what my family was doing was not normal or at least healthy. I thought all of my friends families were just like mine. Little did I know what was my norm was not normal.

The reason that I am bringing this up is because the other day my fiance and I were having a conversation about something. I don't remember exactly what we were talking about but the conversation started to move towards an argument. Now, I don't mean break off the engagement argument, I just mean the kind of discussion that shows that even as a couple we can have extreme differences. Just a few days ago I got into an argument with some friends about decisions that I had made in regards to my wedding day. It didn't get to a point to where we were yelling and cursing each other out but it was an argument. They had a different thought and feelings on the decision that I made. My sisters and I used to fight all the time. They always thought I was trying to mother them and steer them in a better path than they were going. We would argue about the most simple things and they would last for days. However, out of all these arguments the one that bothers me the most is the one with my fiance.

When we started dating we rarely had heated discussions. I guess that is because we were still in the infatuation phase. I don't think that infatuation has completely gone away but we have learned more about our differences as time moves on. Many of our arguments comes from one of us not completely understanding what the other is trying to express at that moment. We often deal with the fact that women and men really do think totally on the opposite end of the spectrum. In our pre-marital counseling we learn a lot about communicating and how as humans we will naturally disagree on things. Like, if our kids should go to private or public school, how often we should go on vacation, how is suppose to do what chores around the house, how much money each other spends and even about clothes that the other chooses to wear. None of these topics are abnormal but they all, when discussed for too long, make me very uncomfortable. I cry every time we get there and I hate it. It really bothers me that I can't have a normal argument without tears welling up in my eyes. Nevertheless, I  truly believe that since i grew up in a family were arguing was a second form of communication I developed a serious sensitivity to it. So much so that I avoid arguing or fighting with people at all cause. I would rather be wrong than create an argument based on something. I find no pleasure in arguing with people, especially those that I love the most.

Thankfully, our premarital counselling is teaching us a lot about how to handle heated discussion in a manner that no one gets hurt and everyone is heard. We don't fight a lot but I know they will come every now and then. At least now I know that its OK to have differences and better to get them out than let them boil inside of you.

i also heard that make up sex will be the best sex...can't wait for married life! 

True Life: I Have Anxiety and Panic Disorder

When I was 12 years old I was molested by a family friend. Since then I have dealt with a really bad case of anxiety. For years I didn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn't understand what anxiety was and how it even happened to me. I thought I was dealing this typical teenage girl problems, you know the mood swings, attitudes and crying all the time. I didn't know what triggered my anxiety or how to stop it. So for nearly 7 years I hid my problem. If I felt a panic attack coming I would hide anywhere to keep my secret, places like  the bathroom, my bedroom or even a closet. I would sit for minutes even close to an hour trying to calm myself down. Sometimes I would be successful, others I just fought through it until I cried myself to sleep.

I realize that this may sound very foreign and confusing to some people, especially those who have never experienced this personally. So, I will attempt to explain what a typical panic attack for me is like.

::: I am sitting in church, not really paying attention to what is going on. My body is there but my mind is in a very dark and cloudy place. I'm thinking about my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Someone who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. As I am thinking about the way the breakup happened, over the phone, my mind begins to run. Faster and harder. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute. My hands are sweaty and shaky. The pit of my stomach has tied itself into multiple knots. My body burns with heat. My breathing is now uncontrollable. I hold my chest is tight and I am gasping for air. I feel like I am being strangled by someone unseen. Fearing that I will die I begin to sob. Sobbing turns into hysterical crying. I immediately get up from my seat and run outside. Screaming with pain and fear. I kneel down to calm myself. I hold my arms close, rocking myself until I  am at peace. :::

During my undergraduate years I can remember learning to control my anxiety before they turned into a panic attack. There were some moments where I slipped and things became a little difficult to handle but for the most part I was doing really well. I will say that the use of recreational drugs (marijuana), along with other forms of therapy (non-medicinal), significantly helped with my anxiety. By no means am I advising others who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder to use that method, I'm just saying what worked for me. Also, you are probably wondering why I never  took prescribed medication.  I am the type of person that does a lot of research and I wasn't conformable with the side effects that some people were experiencing from these prescribed medications. So, I took the holistic route. This method of treatment  obviously ended once I graduated college.  After college, while in AmeriCorps NCCC, I can specifically remember having one very bad panic attack. This was earlier on in my service year when a very close family friend of mine passed away. Thankfully I had a tremendous amount of support from my AmeriCorps NCCC team and I was able to go to them when I felt my anxiety coming back. Another thing that helped with my anxiety was exercising. Anytime I felt my anxiety getting bad I would immediately go for a walk or run. This activity allowed me to clear my head and level myself.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am writing about this now. A few weeks ago I noticed that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than normal. Initially I thought it was post vacation blues. Then when the anxiety occurred daily I became a lot more concerned about it. To be honest I did have a lot on my mental plate. I was dealing with a little heartbreak, worried about my professional future and I was dealing with some major issues with my birth father. Unfortunately, my anxiety got the best of me and I had a really rough two weeks.  I have had five panic attacks in the past two weeks. Last Thursday I cried for my entire 40 minute subway ride to work and  all day at work. That is when I realized that I needed to address this problem head on and stop denying it.

I choose to hide my anxiety and panic disorder because it makes me feel weak, alone and like no one understands me. I also feel like I'm never going to get better. I fear that this will interfere with every aspect of my life from professional to personal. However, after seeing a counselor about what was going on it was evident that I deal with this.

So here I am dealing with it.