Discovering your Friends are Associates

In life you grow and when you grow there are things, people and places that just can't come along with you. It's a fact that unfortunately won't get any easier to deal with.

I have grown to be the type of person that if I recognize that someone or something is not good for me I will make provisions for that thing or person to no longer contribute to my quality of life. In the past maybe 5 years I have had to do a lot of cleaning in my friends circle and although it isn't easy it is something that needs to be done. I personally don't think that there is anything wrong with changing the relationship level of people in your life. I have had to do it several times in my life and actually very recently.

When I first moved to New York I didn't know anyone. It wasn't until I moved into my own apartment and during the 2013 storm Hurricane Sandy that I actually met some women that became my friends. The week of the storm my then roommate asked if she a few people could come crash at my place until the storm cleared out. I of course welcomed them and in two days had a house full of people. Being that I had been living alone in an unfamiliar place I was excited to have guests. Three of the girls that came over where actually my neighbors during my first month in NY and two where in my masters program. We had all hit if off pretty well and decided to hang out more even after the storm and they were able to return to there housing.

Over the next two years we got really close. Shared a lot of personal moments, had your typical girls night out, Saturday brunch, and even many nights of tears. I thought I had found the people that would become my family away from home. That was until I go engaged, moved out of the city and started a whole new life.

When I first moved the group would take turns to spend time whether it was in the burbs or in the city, mostly in the city though. Things seemed to be normal but eventually you could tell that the relationship between me and the rest of the group where starting to shift. To be fair I wasn't the only person experiencing life changes. Everyone was going through their own personal shift but to me it seemed that mine was the biggest and effected everyone the most.


To get down to the point I had decided with my fiance that we didn't want to have a big wedding or wedding party. We also decided that we wanted to have a very private and intimate wedding ceremony and a big reception to celebrate with with extended family and friends. Once I informed my NYC friends about this change they were not too happy. It was to a point that it brought about feelings they had towards me ever since I had gotten engaged and my life had began to shift. They had thought that I had essentially cut them out of my wedding and felt that as my friends of two years I should include them in the ceremony. I thought that it was my wedding and I should be able to make whatever decision I wanted and not answer to anyone. I understood their pain and respected it but I wasn't going to allow anyone to guilt me for this decision.

It has been over a month and a half since that conversation and almost a month since my wedding. It turned out that only two of the four women showed up to my wedding reception after I invited everyone.

The point of all of this is that even though things played out the way they did I am not sad. I cherish the time that I had with those women and the moments we shared. I have grown to know and accept that people will grow and out grow each other. That's life and in life change must happen.

On Losing Your Job

June 1, 2015

Today I lost my job.

I'm not sure why I even decided to write this down. Maybe to release it a little more. Maybe to set reality into place. Maybe for no reason at all. But I lost my job and after 13 years I am unemployed. Not sure how I should feel at this moment. I am unaware of what to do next. I am sure of one thing though, that I am a King's Kid and I can conquer anything.

In a total of two weeks I would have graduated with my masters, gotten married and fired from a job that I believed was my dream job.

It's my prayer during this time that my faith doubles and even triples in size. It's my prayer that I never forget who my God is. If anything this will be a big testimony to who God is and what he can do. I'm sure that me and my family will be OK, because my God can perform miracles. He can turn water into wine. My God is on the thrown.

Thank you God for providing me this opportunity to trust you and watch you work.

If there ever comes a time where my faith begins to fall Lord I pray that you pull me closer and remind me of who you are.

Love,

Your daughter

5 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Married

You Hate Being Single and..He Asked

Everyone has been in a relationship that they are sure they shouldn't be in. The person is not 100% right for them and they don't really seem like the type of person you want to spend your entire life with. Many people stay in relationships only because they have a fear of being alone and single. Trust me, I have been one of those people and it is no way to live. Saying yes to a marriage proposal out of fear that it will never happen again is VERY WRONG. It will benefit you in the long run that you take more time and not get into something you're really not ready for.

An Unexpected Pregnancy 

Ahhh, you found out that the guy you met 2 months ago at the bar got you pregnant and you have no idea what to do. Marriage is not the answer. This may go against many peoples religious beliefs but marriage will not make the fact that you had an unplanned pregnancy go away. Your pregnancy is something beautiful and sacred and should not be taken lightly. Use that time of your life to prepare for the child that you are about to introduce to the world. If the father is the right man for you indeed discuss growing your relationship at another time, not due to the fact that you got knocked up.

For the Relationship to Improve 

If you are in a rocky relationship and you feel that you need to make some changes to get it back on track getting married should be the last thing on your mind. Getting married requires a lot of thought and dedication. There are more life altering things to take into consideration when deciding to make such a large commitment. Instead of thinking marriage will fix all the problems try correcting the issues first then discuss marriage. You want to make a big decision like that once you are in a good mind space and emotions are not driving your decisions. 


You're In Love 

Being in love is a wonderful thing. It can make you feel like a person can do no wrong and life will be perfect. I learned a long time ago that every couple will go through an infatuation phase. That phase where his messiness doesn't bother you and her loud snoring is cute. The phase where you don't get bothered by her taking hours to get ready for a date or even his inability to inform you on social events. There is nothing wrong with going through this phase, in fact it's joyous to experience. The most important thing to realize is that this will wear off and reality of life will set in. If you can not only love but like your partner for all that they are you will be in a good place. Before quickly jumping to marriage be sure that the infatuation phase of your relationship has passed.


You Want a Dream Wedding

This, in my opinion, is by far one of the worst reasons to get married. Most women grow up dreaming about their wedding day. What her dress will look like, what color the flowers will be and even how the day will be planned. However, not many wishful brides consider the man, or woman, they will be marrying. The good news about wanting a dream wedding is that anyone can have one and in whatever way they choose. Don't settle for the Wall Street banker because he promised you a no budget wedding. Think about your life afterwards and if a dream wedding is really worth a lifetime of sadness.

Whatever reason you choose to say I Do, be sure that it has been a well thought out plan. Taking the step to get married is a big one and you don't want to end up one of those people that it takes a lifetime to figure it out!

Marriage Mondays- Communication

Check out more of my new marriage series every Monday at: https://www.youtube.com/user/NikkivsNaps

Holy Cow, I'm Getting Married!!

Last September my life flipped upside down. Not in a bad way, but it definitely flipped. My boyfriend of a year and some change asked me to be his forever. Cliché I know but I like that mushy stuff. What surprised me the most, next to the actual proposal, was my reaction to the proposal. I laughed, a very awkward laugh. I always imagined that when that moment would happen in my life I would be crying so hard that snot would be running out my nose. However, my mind found comfort in laughter. I remember that night so clear, but I won't go into full detail now click the video here to hear the entire story:

I still laugh when I think about it. If you are a normal person you would be asking yourself,  "What in the world was so funny?" The proposal itself was beautiful,  well planned and executed. my laughter came from within myself.

Just two years before this all happened I was living in DC getting stood up by guys I met on OK Cupid (if you don't know what that is that's actually better for you). I had gotten to a point where marriage wasn't even a question. On top of all that months before I met my now fiancé I was heartbroken over a guy I was madly in live with and who could give two sticks about my feelings. So, to see myself in a relationship with a man that loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me was just too much to handle. Don't get me wrong I knew then and still know now that I am the shit.  I had a lot going for myself and a lot to offer an man that would want to pursue me. After years of searching, crying and wondering what was I doing wrong I realized that I wasn't the problem. The men ( or boys) that I dealt with were the problem.  I was also trying to rush something that God wasn't ready to give me yet. Then, one day I met this tall, chocolate, quiet, Haitian man and everything changed. Everything that I was looking for in DC was right here in NY waiting for me.

Here we are almost two years later and I'm getting married. Something I had confirmed within myself that would never happen is happening in two months. I am excited to say the least and can't wait for the day to come. In two months I will be a married woman. Yeah, still not used to saying that yet.

I will keep you guys updated on what's happening and my journey to marriage. I hope you guys are ready for this ride because it will be a wild one!

Peace and Blessings

Dominique 

#DearMe / Advice to My Younger Self

Dear Teenage Dominique:

Me in 2006

You are probably sitting in your room thinking that life sucks. You work very hard to keep good grades in school. You spend long hours at a job that you somewhat like but you go anyway because you know that your family could use the extra money. You are internally dealing with a secret that you have been living with for years and don't know how to deal with it. You are probably wondering what your future is going to be like and will happiness ever find you.

Well, I have good news for you. Everything will turn out just fine. You will graduate high school and start college in the same year. You will make a ton of friends, some even lifelong, in college and will get to experience a normal young adult life. You will develop a strong sense of self worth, love and appreciation. You will make major decisions that will effect your life in the long run. You will travel the world, learn different cultures and languages. Everything you desire to happen in your life will happen and beyond what you could imagine.

So while you are worrying just know that with your faith and what God has in store for you everything will be possible. Just continue to believe in yourself and be sure to never stop just because someone else said that you couldn't do it.

Love always,

Future Dominique
xoxo

My First Time- Living with My Boyfriend~NappyNikki Vlogs

I recorded this video about a week or so ago. I hope you guys enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR42BQONg9M

God Given Love

I have spent the better part of the last 3 years evaluating things and learning more about myself and what I want in life. Not specifically professionally, more so personally and spiritually. I have only been in one serious relationship, which was during my teenage years, and after that breakup I really wanted to make sure that the next person I let get that close to me was God sent. Now, if you aren't a spiritual person you may not understand what I mean by that, but just bear with me and I will try to explain it for you.

I felt that when I was dating I wasn't consulting to God about the men that I had chosen. I was in college and felt that I had to try different types of people and see what my interest was. I went through the thugs, preps, sporty, super religious, non religious, pretty boys, frats and all other different characters. Now, I never made any of those guys my boyfriend, they were merely potentials. The issue that came up was that I didn't know who Nikki was. I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship or even what to expect. I had always compared every new guy with he previous one and eventually fell on my face every time. So after college I decided that I wouldn't get into any serious relationships until I did some serious soul-searching. That lasted for about a year and I was ready to dip back into the dating scene. Then I hit a wall last year.

I was living and working in DC at the time. Had a few potential guys here and there, some good and some very bad. I even tried online dating for the first time. After a couple of crazies, being stood up (3 times) and booty calls, I began to get discouraged. I thought that I would never meet the right guy. I mean I was wreck last year. Guy after guy I was being disappointed. It felt like I was taking a thousand steps backwards. If you ask my cousin, the one person who really knew details, she would say that I was a mess. At that time I thought it was going to be impossible for me to be loved. Sounds depressing but that's how I felt.

Fast forward to a year later aka present day.

I am living and working in NY. This is something that I have wanted all my life. I worked very hard to get here and I am very proud of myself. My confidence level is high, I am secure within myself and I have no doubt of where I want my future to go. I met a few guys and went out on a couple of dates but nothing seemed to catch my attention long enough to remember their names. Eventually I stopped actively looking for men and just laid back. However, this doesn't mean that I would turn down a cutie or two. lol Anyway, so I am at work and I need to contact a coworker at another campus, one that I had left the previous day. I sent this coworker an IM requesting some work related information. After a few minutes I realized that I was taking pictures of this guy yesterday and never knew his name. (Well, he never formally introduced himself to me.) I got the information that I wanted and then I figured I would keep talking to him since I was new at the time. I can be a very sociable person, so it's very easy for me to start a conversation with someone. I continued to ask questions about him and where he was from. You know the general questions you ask someone to get to know them. I had no intentions of this conversation going any further than normal coworker chit-chat. However, after a two days of questions he asked me for my number. (Which I claim to be the action of who asked who out first, lol.) I of course interested in him by now gave him my number and we continued our conversation outside of work. That was a Wednesday, that Friday was the weekend of my birthday and I actually had a date that night. (Which turned out to be a dead-end.) We talked all that weekend, finding out that we had a lot of similar interests, spiritual wants, common present day and future desires.

That Monday morning at work we talked as just like we did the days before. Around noon he sent me a message asking me if I wanted to go out on a date. I was totally not prepared to go out on a date. I had work clothes on my hair wasn't what I would've wanted it to be and I had on no makeup. But for some reason I was really intrigued by this guy. So, I said yes. We met up after work in Grand Central station and immediately I noticed that he was really handsome and tall, both being a major plus. We started to walk towards Time Square to catch a movie, I unfortunately got us lost and we ended up at Red Lobster having dinner. Our conversation ranged from college days, religion, past relationships, food, music and much more. You name it we talked about it. It was such a relaxing and carefree date. It was also my first successful dates in a very long time. And by successful I mean that I didn't get stood up.

After the date we walked over to Bryant Park, which was lit by moonlight and tree lights. We walked, talked and shared more about ourselves. One thing led to another and he plants this very sweet, strong but soft kiss on me. A kiss that let's you know that he had a great time and plans on seeing you again. Needless to say its been almost 6 months and we have been together everyday since.

The point of my story is that you never know who God has out there for you. I had no clue that a small conversation with a coworker would lead to the blessings I have right now. We both had prayed for each other and never even knew the person we were looking for was right under our nose. God truly made all this happen in the way he wanted it. As humans, specifically Christians, we can sometimes forget who the real boss is and try to plan our life for ourselves. In this case, I have stepped aside and let God be my life planner and I have to say I like the direction he is headed.

Slack Jaw, Tunes & Sloppy Face Fun!!~ Green 2 Reunion 2013

http://youtu.be/BYGEGNsewng

Last weekend my AmeriCorps team came together for our team leaders east coast wedding reception. Afterwards we all drove back to Connecticut and decided to have a good ole Green 2 party!

If You Could Read Her Mind

If you could read her mind what would it tell you?

Would it tell you what you want to hear? Her mind can be tricky sometimes. Hell it even fools her. Her mind would reveal things to you that you may not be ready to hear. You reading her mind would take you through a maze of emotional stir. Leading you to dead ends and roundabouts.

Normally this is where she would spill her heart and tell you how she feels. But there is no need for that, right? You can already read her mind. What she can say is that  her mind is happy when you make surprise visits. When you listen to her ramble about random thoughts her mind is grateful. When you cook delicious food her tummy is happy. When you pray together her spirit is lifted. After a workout her body is sore, but soon will be happy. When she looks in your eyes and knows that she can trust you her heart is filled with joy. Her mind would tell you that since your first date she hasn't stopped smiling. She feels safe when you hold her tight. She dances to the simplicity of your beat. She feels proud when you talk about our dreams and aspirations. She feels strong standing by your side.

If you could read her mind then you would know that she is...

The understandi...

The understanding love

They ask me what I see,
What I see when I'm dreaming,
What I see when I'm listening,
What I see when I'm writing,
But I don't see; I understand,

I understand how minds work,
I understand how hearts work,
I understand how my world works,
But I don't understand them.

Why can't people accept it?
Why do they need to know why?
Why do they want to know?
But they don't want to know why; they want to know what.

If I see their futures,
If I see the dead,
If I see words before me,
But I don't see; I understand.

So when they ask, what do I see in you?
I don't reply. I smile,
Because when I dream,
And I listen,
And I write,
You know what I see?
What I've always seen:
You.
-George Arkley

Fly Music Friday!!

http://youtu.be/jM_3dr1IQzA

Calico Panache- Diggin' You Remix

Looking for some new and eclectic music? Then search no more. Here is Callico Panache with a new video for their song Diggin' You.

These are some wonderful ladies that I had a chance to grow with in college. They started out as a dream and are now living it! So click on that video and watch for yourself!

Thanks for the love!

nikki

No Longer Starving for Love

So last night I received a late text from KC, a handsome fella that I am seeing, telling me about a sermon by Dr. Charles Stanley entitled "Starved for Love". After telling me that I should check it out I did so and listened to it the next day (today). I was initially a little confused on where the topic was going. However, after 5 minutes within the message I was immediately hooked.

Messages like this always come when you least expect it. KC and I have been seeing each other for about 2 months and things have been going well. We are trying to make it important to build a relationship that is pleasing in the eyes of God. Since this is something that is completely new to both of us we are finding it a bit difficult. Sometimes in my case overwhelming. Being in this very open and honest "relationship" has allowed for there to be very little room for doubt. Knowing that we are not perfect people, we fail and those failures can be a real drag when we are trying to accomplish something much greater than ourselves. But this is where the message comes into play.

Before this past year I know that I was starving for love. I am a fatherless child who has been abused physically, mentally, and sexually by 80% of the men that have been in my life. Time after time I would go into circles, dating the same type of guys and not learning from past mistakes and situations. I focused all of my time on my love life failing and what I was doing wrong. I was dating and picking men at the level of my self esteem. I needed to be picking a man that would lead, protect and pastor me. Dr. Charles Stanley lists 13 personality traits of someone who is starving for love, they are as follows:

1. Someone who finds themselves in Immoral Situations: When sex becomes a road block to genuine love, esp. when they do not understand what love is about.


2. Commit Crimes: A person will commit crimes because there is a deep yearning within themselves that is missing.


3. Lacks Self Love


4. Does excessive shopping to fill a void.


5. They are lonely.


6. They are critical of other peoples relationships.


7. Angry all the time.


8. Absorbed within themselves.


9. They try to buy love.


10. Overly Complimentary


11. Always in Agreement


12. Do whatever other people want.


13. Willing to make personal sacrifices to buy love

After looking over this list I found that I had quite a number of these traits a few years. Not all, but more than I would like to have. I was starving for a love that was false and ungodly. A love that would eventually hurt me in the end and I would be back to square one.

The wonderful thing about KC and my "relationship" is that we both have the same goals and wants in a relationship. Just as I want a man who can lead, protect and pastor me he wants a woman that can help him become the man of God that he is called to be. We acknowledge when we are feeling a certain way and are unsure about whats going on. The number one thing is that God is the center of everything and that his love shines through it all. I'm not sure of the ending of this story with KC, but I can say because God is in the midst of this I know its going to be one pleasing to the heart. It's only been two months and everyday I am becoming more blessed and beautiful because God has placed him in my life.

Looking back on it I am happy I went through those situations. My story isn't finished yet, but if I hadn't gone through those things I would have never met someone who I know I prayed  to God for a long time and who he himself gave to me. This thing is a work in progress and it takes a lot of patience, a lot of patience! All I can do is keep God first, love me second and be the best woman in Christ I know how to be.

Starving for love is of the past, now I can feast on it and become overwhelmingly full with joy.

The Perfect Fit

Shopping and dating are becoming one in the same.

I like to think of myself as a pretty picky shopper. I find it very hard to just look at something and without a second, or third, thought purchase it and go about my merry way. Earlier this year  I was on a major hunt for a spring jacket. Something that wasn't too light or heavy, have pockets and be able to withstand rain. Most of all I didn't want it to be too expensive. I searched for months, going to over ten different stores and trying on at least a dozen jackets. None of which seemed to fit me just right. Sometimes the sleeves would be too long, they didn't fit right in the waist or they would either be too expensive or too cheap. Then after the third month of looking I finally found a jacket that fits me perfectly. It was right on a random day that I went out window shopping not expecting to buy anything. Before I actually tried on the winning jacket I looked at two jackets before that. When they didn't work I decided to take a break from looking and just leave the store. That was until I saw it. I picked up the jacket, examined the outside, checked the price and tried it on. It was a perfect fit. Just the right size, complimented my figure well and the price was well within my range. I was ecstatic. After looking for months I had finally found what I was looking for and it was when I least expected it.

That entire situation reminds me of dating. Like my spring jacket experience I had been looking, more so praying, for someone who would be my perfect fit. In the past I allowed myself to get overly excited and just pick a guy within an instant. I didn't take the time to inspect him, try him on, and  compare him to others. I wouldn't consider the price, in this case I was paying with time and emotions, and end up paying way more than they were actually worth. In the past year I have truly learned a lot about dating and how I must learn to treat it like shopping. However, unlike shopping when you don't like someone and choose to return it for a full refund you can't get your money back.

Now, don't get me wrong, you may have found what seems to be the perfect fit but it will change over time. The jacket might lose a button, the zipper may break and the color may fade over time. However, you will grow to love this jacket even more as it seasons. Because you have spent so much time in caring and loving it you will never be able to part ways with it. This same thing applies to a relationship. In the beginning everything will be perfect and you will be all smiles, but as time goes on and you begin to grow with one another and changes will arise. Changes that are perfectly normal and that you will want to happen.  I like to think of it like wine, its tastes better over time. Pus the foundation of who they are is what's important not what decorates them to make them pretty.

All in all I have found it best to wait for as long as possible for that perfect fit. No matter how long it takes, be patient and it will come and blow you away.

I Can't Say Thi...

I Can't Say This Out Loud

You probably understand. Or maybe you don't, after all. Either way, it is jumping around inside me and if I don't let it out soon all my carbonation will fizz up and run over the side of my glass and I don't want to waste all that sweetness.

I want to kiss you underwater.

I want that kiss to be the only thing keeping us alive. Down there we are foreigners, aliens. Grasping, I want to feel your flesh in stark contrast to the smooth wetness all around me, like a secret.

All that life where we cannot live. Exotic, forbidden, so lovely. I am sick with love.

-Amanda Jerry

Small town stirs BIG feelings

Last week for a few hours I spent some time in Nyack, NY. I took a quick 30 minute Metro North train ride from Grand Central to White Plains, NY. My plan was to hang out with a friend before going to pick up my sister for the weekend.  Having no set plans I got in the car and just enjoyed the ride. I immediately lost my busy, uptight NYC feeling. My body began to relax and conform to the suburban way of life. It almost felt as if I was back at home in the south. Driving along the highway I witnessed trees, mountains and rivers on both sides of the car. I wanted to get out and climb so bad. I love New York City but this is one part of the state that I don't get the chance to see too often. I was almost upset because I knew I would have to leave soon.

Arriving in the small village of Nyack we drove by cute little houses with white fences and tree swings. Each house had its own personality and special touch about them. I wanted to stop and walk through them all. Smell the old hardwoods, touch the walls and hear the stories that flowed through the walls. This small town made me feel like I was in another state. There was no way this adorable town could be apart of a state I thought was consistently a dark hole. Nyack just became one of my favorite places in this great state.

We get to this small park, called Memorial Park, that immediately reminds me of the parks I used to visit with my uncle in New Bern, NC.  The first thing I see is water. I am beaming with excitement. The park has all different types of people in it. People fishing, walking dogs, playing on the playground or just sitting and talking. We begin to walk towards the water and noticing the big crowd near the pier, we venture off the side of the park over some rocks to a more private area.

The water is calm and quiet. Just sitting and listening to the sweet words it begins to whisper. I am in heaven.

After a few moments of talking and enjoying the breeze we head back up to where others are enjoying the park. We continue to walk along the rocky walkway. The view is beautiful. A clear blue sky and good company is all a girl can ask for at the moment. We proceed to walk out of the park and into town and grabbed a slice of Buffalo Pizza from Turiello's Pizza.

 

It's a cute little family owned pizza shop that sells a plethora of famous New York style pizza. I failed to mention to my friend that I am gluten-free, so to make things easier I just ordered what he did and grabbed a ginger ale to sooth the oncoming tummy ache. The pizza was OK, not what I expected. Thankfully he didn't think it was the best pizza ever either. However, it did the job it was given. After I could not finish the massive slice of pizza we headed back to enjoy the park that was beautifully lit by moonlight.

A few hours later of talking, laughing and enjoying the beauty that God created I head back to the city where my view will become cemented skyscrapers, the smell would become of trash and sewage and the noise would be honking car horns. I love the city dearly but the Village of Nyack will definitely hold a special place in my heart.

"I am not a to...

"I am not a toy that you can play with when you're bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me! Until then, we are done."- Olivia Pope

a woman scorned

loving you isn't suppose to hurt me. i am suppose to feel the safe and secure. except i feel nothing but fear and agony. i don't know how much more i can give. i know things about you that you have no clue of me knowing. but i love you in spite of. your actions don't deserve the love that i give you. your actions don't deserve me. i love myself too damn much to be pulled, mangled and dangled. i am a great woman with a shit ton of potential and if you cant see that then there is something is wrong with you. not me. i love you, but loving you doesn't mean i have to be with you. if you want me, come get me. i refuse to chase anyone that doesn't want to be kept.

Quarter Life Reflections...

It's 10:09 on Sunday night. Yesterday was my birthday and I turned the big 25. I can now check the 25- 32 box on random applications. All day I received happy birthday wishes in various forms. At one point it got very overwhelming. I didn't realize how many people I had met over the years and the many different friendships I had formed. For a second I had a  Big Fish moment, where everyone I had met throughout my lifetime had all come to one place to celebrate my life. Everyone having different stories of how we met and the crazy situations that we got into. There were even some people that I pushed out of my life because they brought no peace to it. Those people were reminders of how far I have come as a woman and also of how I should continue to live my life.  I felt blessed to have such amazing people in my life to celebrate my life with and I can't wait to do this again next year.

I was able to celebrate in a true 25 year old fashion. Ending my year with a night of 10 amazing friends and some new ones too, wild sweaty dancing, chocolate chip cookies that Martha Stewart couldn't compete with, 10 shots of liquid birthday cake,  5 beautiful Irish men that each came with a shot of something called Jameson, a crazy taxi ride, a platter of fried goodness and my very own Coyote Ugly experience. That is all just putting it lightly.  My last night as a 24 year old rocked my socks off!

(Disclaimer: I realized the morning after that I cannot hang the way I used to in college. lol However it was fun while it lasted.)

So, now that I am officially an "adult" what do I do? What are my goals for the next 25 years? To be honest it's a little difficult to say what my goals are for the next 25 years, which is expected. However, I can say that for the next 5 years I see myself becoming something more beautiful and amazing. Not to sound cocky or anything.

In my professional life my goal is to complete my masters program and begin my career in the magazine world. I also would like to go back and do some work in the non profit sector. In my health life my goal is remain a healthy lifestyle, maybe get to my goal weight of 150lbs, I'm at 165 lbs now. This is not a major issue since I don't believe in putting pressure on oneself about this, but it would be pretty sweet to get there.  I would also like to learn a form of dance, maybe salsa. That's random but it goes with health. I would like to visit 3 new countries within the next 5 years. Traveling is very important to me and I find it to be an essential to personal growth. Lastly, my love life. Oh my infamous random love life. I don't want to make goals but I do know what I am open to. I am open to a relationship, possibly with someone that I can learn and grow with. Have wonderful experiences with and discuss a future with. I am also open to starting a family. Let's get real, I don't want to have children at a late age. I would rather start a family before I'm 35. I think it's very important for children to have parents that will be around when they have start to have their own. True, these things will come with time and patience but it's alright to put them in the air.

For now I will continue to live the life I have built for myself. Enjoy my little apartment in Brooklyn, enjoy my masters program, run around New York City and get lost from time to time, laugh and sing with my girlfriends and enjoy each day as if it were my last!

What Will They Say About Me?

When I die what will people say about me? Was I kind? Loving? Selfless? Or will they say that I worried too much? That I didn't take enough time for the little things? Will there be anything to carry on my legacy? Will I die with an honorable name? Will people sit around and share stories about how we met? Will there be tears?

This is a question that often comes to my mind. A big part of my anxiety and panic disorder is my fear of death. It's not necessarily the act of dying that I fear, it's mostly life after me that I fear. How will my family be affected by it? What will my sisters do? If I die before my parents will they ever cope with the lost? Will I have done everything that I wanted to do before I left? It may seem premature to have these thoughts but its can really make the mind wonder.

I know that death is apart of life and we all will have to die one day but what happens when that comes too early. I am a believer that God never makes mistakes but sometimes its difficult to understand why he keeps certain people and allow others to die. For example, I was watching the news the other day about the recent Boston bombing attacks and they were covering the story of the young university police officer that was killed while on duty. The news station interviewed his family, asking questions about the young mans character and what type of person he was. The family told honorable stories about how he always wanted to be a police officer and how he was always a loving a nurturing person. Events like these surely can make the mind run. Did that young man ever ask himself the same question that I do to myself? Did they say what he had wished? Did he leave a legacy?

It's a scary thought knowing that when you die many will be left in pain and heartache. For me it's damn near terrifying. Every day I pray for safety for my family, friends and all around me. That no one is hurt and put in harm's way. But we can't always control the things around us. How do we handle unexpected death and protect those we love from it?

So, what do you think? What will the people you leave behind in the world say about you? Were you kind,loving and selfless. Did you do everything that you wanted to do? What will be your legacy?

Although these thoughts create fear in the heart and mind they also create drive. I feel the most determined when I think about the short amount of time that we have on this earth. It's so important to me to love those that are in my life and to make sure that I have the best that I can be. I never want to have what ifs and I wish I would've. I know life isn't perfect and that we can't control everything that happens within it. But if you had the chance to be a fly on the way at your funeral, would you take it?