a long time coming

i cant remember the last time i wrote a blog post. so much has been going on in my life since the last time i wrote here. i got a new job, moved from brooklyn to the suburbs and even got engaged. yeah i know a lot of big changes. lucky for me i love change. i am one of those people who will rearrange a room every two weeks. for some reason seeing the same thing over and over again just doesn't cut it for me. when i was single living in brooklyn alone i would make something different for dinner every night. the feeling of change is orgasmic to me. i like change.

so im getting married. seems a bit far off for me. sounds crazy but i never say myself as a wife. i spent the better part of my early twenties convincing myself that i would never get married and now look where i am. scared shitless. dont get me wrong i love my fiance and look forward to being his wife. however, i have never been a wife before and only been in one relationship before him. i dont know how to do this.

i moved to the suburbs from the city and it is as if i have seen light for the first time. obviously there are differences between the two but it's just something special about increasing your quality of life when you just move 30 minutes outside of the city. since my experience has been very short so far i will wait until my 6 month mark to write a full blog post about it.

lastly, i got a new job. its going....good. its all still so new and i feel like its going to take me some time to get used to it. its my first publishing job and although im not screwing things up i do feel like i have a lot more to learn. but hey, thats why im there. to learn.

now im here. we are snowed in and had nothing to do. i really dont even know what i wanted to say when i came on here. i was actually editing videos for my YouTube channel. i super behind in videos. i left my tripod at my mother's house during the holidays. anyway, if you are still reading this by now kudos to you. you enjoy boring meaningless things. lol

i'll be back. sometime soon. i  will even set an alarm for myself to remember to write more often.

bye

Late Night Thoughts

Recently I have been in an odd space with myself. Being sick allows you a lot of time to think. Think about your future, money, happiness, love: hell everything! Last night I filmed a vlog for my YouTube channel, Nappy Nikki Vlogs, (http://youtu.be/n1v5X7NH1zU) about purpose. I talked about life and what my purpose in life is and after a few hours of thinking I have no clue what my purpose is. In the past three years I have lived and traveled all over the US seeing and meeting all sorts of interesting people. Working for organizations that I loved and those that I didn't care for too much. I have been living in New York since September 2012 and I'm not happy. I realize that I have a job, an apartment in Brooklyn, and girlfriends I love so dearly. But when I lay in bed at night none of those thing comfort me, none of those things keep me warm and protect me. I enjoy surrounding myself with people because at night when I'm alone I feel lonely. I don't feel protected. I don't feel secure. I don't feel loved. I feel lonely.

It's interesting what your brain can do to you in the middle of the night. It reveals secrets that you try your best to conceal in the light. It reminds you of your insecurities and your flaws. My late night thoughts have shown me a lot about myself. Many of those things I try to fight and ignore but that's a battle that I seldom win. I'm not sure what my life has in store for me. I'm not sure if New York is going to be the place that I call my home. I am sure that I am willing to fight and figure it out. I'm a woman. I'm insecure at times. I cry and my mind will change every second. Aghhh....it is what it is.