These are letters that I wrote to my birth father within the past five years. When writing the first letter I had every intention of mailing it off, but unfortunately I never had the courage to. I wrote these letter with the intention to release some of my own personal emotions. At this point in my life I don't know if this has worked for me or if it has made things worst. I'm not sure if I will every write another letter but I will definitely continue to explore this part of my life. Enjoy!
April 9, 2010
Dear Father,
All I know about you is your first and last name. No birthday, no family history, no school names, no favorite colors, no genetic diseases, no nicknames, not even a middle name. So if I was to try to look for you, it would be almost impossible to find out who you are. I knew nothing about who you were for a long time. I didn’t even know that you existed. It wasn’t until high school that I really began to wonder who you were, but at that time I didn’t really care to know who you were. I always thought that I would be better off not knowing. That was until I would see other teenage girls to have their fathers in their lives giving them boy advice and telling them the rules of dating. I didn’t have you to teach me how to fish, ride a bike, throw rocks, build things, take them apart, or to learn about cars. I’m not saying that since you weren’t there I never learned these things, but these are things that a father should teach his daughter. My mother did everything that she could to make up for what you didn’t do. But the reality is that she is not a man and can never be one. I think that I would have been a wonderful daughter to you. I would come to you to tell you about my day, to ask you all sorts of questions about your work. I would have been the daughter to cherish her daddy and be proud of him, for the man that he was. I would have been the daughter to want any boy that I date to be just like you because I would know that I had the daddy who would love his daughter unconditionally. I would have been the daughter who would want you to give me away on my wedding day. I would be the daughter who needed your protection from all men.
In my freshman year of college, I told myself that I would find out who you were before my graduation day. I won’t look to you for money. I just want to meet you, to see who this other half of me is. I want to know where I got my lazy eye from. I want to know who is responsible for me having small fingers and toes. I want to know if you bit your nails when you were younger or if you still do. I want to know what you look like, if you look like what I imagined. Are you short and brown skin like me or are you tall and light-skinned? Do you walk the way I walk and talk the way I do? Are you a people person and love to be around a big crowd like me? Do you like to read and write? What was your favorite subject in school? Did you even like school? What were your goals in life? Did you want to have kids? Did you love my mother? Or even care about her? Did you know about me? Did you ever think about me or did you want to find me? Have you been watching me from a distance all these years? Do I have any other siblings? Or a step mother? If so, what are they like? Do they look like me?
I have spent all fours years of my college life trying to find you. Calling many homes with the only information that I knew about you and having no success in my search. Asking around with people who I thought may know who you are and where you were. Many told lies and didn’t say much about you. It was if you never existed. I remember giving up in my sophomore year because I would get so tired of finding dead ends. Then after I came back from studying abroad in South Korea, I figured I could try again. I remember calling houses and people’s jobs explaining who I was and what I was trying to do. One lady even got mad at me for asking about the wrong person. I just knew that I was going to meet the man who blood ran deep in my veins. I have since then been unsuccessful with finding out who you are. I still only know two pieces of information about you, which is your first and last name. I don’t know your birthday, your favorite color, your family history or even your middle name. So if I continue to look for you it would be almost impossible for me to succeed. If I ever get the chance to meet you and tell you anything it would just be thank you. Thank you for showing me what a man and a father shouldn’t be like. I thank you for letting me experience hurt and pain. I thank you for abandoning me. It has made me much stronger than I ever would have been. Thank you for not being there when I didn’t want you there. Thank you for not being able to tell my secrets and to stop me from doing all the wrong things I did. Thank you for showing me how much you cared about me.
Your daughter,
Dominique
Three years later…
April 13, 2013
Dear Anthony Simpson,
It has been seven years since I began my journey to find you and seven long years it has been. In my previous letter I felt the need to please you and let you know that I was the perfect daughter. I felt that I owed it to you and myself. However, after much failure and frustration my feelings have severely changed. With no help from you I have graduated from Tougaloo College with honors. I served for 2 year in AmeriCorps, helping families and organizations around the country that were in need. I mentored to children, without parents, who needed a big sister and friend to turn to. I am currently studying for my Masters in Publishing and started my own website. I don’t have any children. I have never been in trouble with the law and I have a wonderful and supportive mother who has been there all the times you weren’t.
A year ago I found out some less than flattering things about you. One in particular I’m sure that you are very aware of and that I won’t mention. Unfortunately I never learned if I had siblings, your favorite color, if you wanted children or if you even know who I am. I thought for a long time that not knowing you would have a negative effect on my life. I have now come to the realization that not knowing those details about your life has only made me stronger. It has taught me to be independent and self-assuring. To love myself even if no one else will. Yes, I have had some struggles in life but each and every time I have picked myself up and kept on living.
Anthony I want you to know that during all those years I only wanted one thing from you and that was recognition. I never wanted money or even five minutes of your time. I just wanted you to know that I have succeeded far beyond I can imagine. I am only 24 years old accomplished many things beyond what I could have ever dreamed with still many more years ahead of me. I have allowed your absence to severely affect my relationship with many people in my life. I spend so much time trying to get people to love me and accept me only because you never did. I always thought that my relationship with you, the back and forth of fighting for you to love me, was normal. That same behavior reflected into the rest of my life. I have experienced too much heartache because of your nonexistent love. So, I officially give up trying to find you. I no longer care about your middle name, your favorite food, if you have other children, or what you want to do with your life. I have lived this long without you and I intended on keeping it that way. I have been blessed beyond my means and I owe none of that credit to you.
Your daughter,
Dominique Ingram
Two Years later...
April 20, 205
Hello again,
This is the third letter that I have written to you. Although I don't mail them, I feel that I have to write them to feel some sort of relief. Well to catch you up it's been two years since the last time I wrote you. At that time I had just moved to New York and started my masters program. I completed my program in December 2014 and will be graduating this May, actually 16 days after my birthday. I always thought it was cool to have a birthday in May, best graduation and Mother's Day gift ever. I'm actually pretty excited about this graduation, I will be one of two people in my family (on my mothers side) that will graduate with a Masters degree. I won't celebrate too much though, just my mom, fiance, and a close family friend. Oh, yeah I'm getting married! I'm really excited about that too. My finance, KC, he is amazing. Perfect gentleman and loves God. He has been super supportive and is always there to lend a helping hand when I need one. We have been engaged since last September and will have a summer wedding. Very small and intimate. I don't really want a whole lot of people there so I am very excited about the setting.
I don't want to bore you with my life story but I bet you are probably wondering why I writing you. I actually started looking for you while I was at Tougaloo in Jackson. At that time I was very shy and wasn't sure of how to approach you. So instead of being rejected I decided to write letters to you, but never mail them.
So, I don't want to get too deep into my life and feel like I never ask how you are doing. So, how are you? What do you do? As I'm writing this I realize that I have no idea what else to ask you. I don't know anything about you. To be honest I think about what you are like all the time. Are you tall or short? Which do you like more, spicy or sweet? Chocolate or vanilla? What's your favorite color? Your favorite food? What did you want to be when you were a kid? Has your life turned out the way you imagined? Do you ever think about me?
Well, I feel like I may be putting too much on you right now. I don't run you off, again. So, I guess I'll write you again in a couple of years.
Wherever you are I hope that you are doing fine.
Sincerely,
D.I.
