Last week Beyoncé aka Queen B aka Yonce aka Beysus aka Sasha Fierce aka Mrs. Carter unknowingly released her 4th* studio album. As many may know she did this without PR, a single, album cover or even a mention of a possible album. She even dropped it after the so very epic winter finale of the best show on earth, Scandal. When word got out about this album you would think free health care, food stamps, Jordan's, or even free cars. I mean people lost their minds. Of course the died hard Beehive fans immediately bought the exclusive iTunes only visual album and got all of their life handed to them. Then there are people like I'm not a stan me who don't really lose their panties over something a huge as this.
Its been almost a week and I gave in to buying the album. I was originally going to wait until the regular album that comes out in just 2 days but after listening to the most awesome podcast ever, The Read, I was convinced. Last night I bought the exclusive iTunes edition of the album and I am in love. After waiting for what felt like an eternity for the entire download I was served on a nice shiny gold-plated platter my life in 32 different ways. This new Beyoncé album is a sure reminder that she is not the same young lady from Destiny's Child.
My intention is not to do an album review but I will say that I can play the entire album nonstop. This album is a pure reflection of her life and how she sees it. The album is chronological and should be listened to that way. I think throughout the entire album my favorite songs would be: Blow, Partition, Pretty Hurts, Rocket, and Flawless. But like I said before I can play the entire album non stop all the way through.
So, thank you Beyoncé for giving me all of my life and some!
*I think
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
My First Book Cover!
So I'm taking this desktop publishing class and our latest project was to redo our favorite books cover. Here is my Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl. This was my very first time using Photoshop so the work isn't perfect, but I'd say that I am pretty pleased with the end result.
My First Time- Living with My Boyfriend~NappyNikki Vlogs
I recorded this video about a week or so ago. I hope you guys enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR42BQONg9M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR42BQONg9M
Long Time, Eh?
It's been a really long time since I have written something on here and at the moment I still have no clue what to write about.
A couple of months ago one of my dear foodie/college friends committed suicide and since then my life has been a little off. I'm not exactly sure of how long I have been in this creative funk but I have had no interest in writing or recording YouTube videos. Every time I went to write something I would immediately lose interest, save the draft and never return to finish it. That happened for about a month and I finally feel as if I have things to talk about.
Losing a friend can really take a toll on you. I am the type of person the represses the feeling of grief. The only way I know how to cope with things without suffering from a panic attack is ignoring them. My boyfriend has expressed to me several times that is no way to deal with things, that which I am well aware of. However, it's what works best for me at the moment. I slowly come to realization that the person that I lost is actually gone. It's strange even to write those things and make them real. More so painful than strange.
The point however is that I am making an effort to find inspiration again. I miss writing so much. It's one way that I can say whatever I want, whenever I want and people can't judge me. If they do I will still say whatever I want and ignore them.
So now, here I am, writing to you, my readers. I hope that you all are well and enjoying your Holiday season. I will return in the coming week with more verbal spillage.
TTYS!
Nikki
A couple of months ago one of my dear foodie/college friends committed suicide and since then my life has been a little off. I'm not exactly sure of how long I have been in this creative funk but I have had no interest in writing or recording YouTube videos. Every time I went to write something I would immediately lose interest, save the draft and never return to finish it. That happened for about a month and I finally feel as if I have things to talk about.
Losing a friend can really take a toll on you. I am the type of person the represses the feeling of grief. The only way I know how to cope with things without suffering from a panic attack is ignoring them. My boyfriend has expressed to me several times that is no way to deal with things, that which I am well aware of. However, it's what works best for me at the moment. I slowly come to realization that the person that I lost is actually gone. It's strange even to write those things and make them real. More so painful than strange.
The point however is that I am making an effort to find inspiration again. I miss writing so much. It's one way that I can say whatever I want, whenever I want and people can't judge me. If they do I will still say whatever I want and ignore them.
So now, here I am, writing to you, my readers. I hope that you all are well and enjoying your Holiday season. I will return in the coming week with more verbal spillage.
TTYS!
Nikki
Monday, October 28, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
You
You don't flatter me.
You compliment me.
You don't spend money on me.You invest in me.
You don't view me as property.
You view me properly.
You don't lust after me.
You love me.
You don't think you're God's gift to me.
You think I'm God's gift to you.
A Thinker Vent
So I'm at work and I have absolutely nothing to do. Usually when this happens my mind races and starts to go into all kinds of directions. I will begin to over think things that don't need to be over thought, worry about things that need no worry and stress about something that isn't even worth it. This is all because I have this problem called "A Thinker". You see when the average person has about 2-5 thoughts running through their mind I have about 10-15. That's 10-15 complete thoughts in my mind at once. I have no clue how I juggle all of them but it seems to work out for me. At times I just want to relax and have a clear mind but that doesn't happen to often. I will literally try to not think about something. But thinking about that makes me think about other things and then I'm back to 10-15 thoughts. It's annoying! I feel like I have tried everything. I will even attempt to write my thoughts down, thinking maybe this will help alleviate some space in my mind. Then that empty space is filled with new thoughts. I need an off/on button for my brain. Maybe that will help. I'm not sure. Whatever I need to do I hope that I can come to some sort of conclusion quick.
Friday, September 27, 2013
New Vids up on NikkivsNaps!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzAtukfgeBk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ4aPJmBea0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ4aPJmBea0
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Exercise Rant: 09-24-13
Sometimes songs can bring you out of a very annoying funk. Even if the song isn't meant to be inspirational it can make something inside if you spark and your whole attitude changes.
Lately I've been in a workout funk. I have had very little motivation and desire to workout. The days I did workout I forced myself to just to see if I could get out and it didn't work. During this time I had started at home workouts, Jillian Michael's 30 Day shred to be exact. The workout itself was great. I have no complaints about the results that I have been seeing. My only problem was that I didn't like being secluded from people. I am a full-blown gym lover. It's not the fact that there are a ton of machines and equipment, it's the people who I enjoyed being around. To be around everyone with the same energy motivated me. I also feel that at home workouts for me are an easy excuse for me not to workout. So after the second week I my in home workouts I started to get bored. So the workouts slowed down. I would come home and fun other things to do to keep me from working out. After some thought I realized what had me in a terrible funk. I missed the gym, that person to person interaction. Being surrounded by people who indirectly motivated me to workout.
Yesterday was the first day in three weeks that I went back to the gym. Just the simple act of packing my gym bag excite me. I got to the gym and immediately felt better and funkless. My go to workout that gets me pumped is a run. I have been running for the past three years and it's one of the things that makes me feel good about my body. I hit the treadmill, plugged in my iPod and hit play. I don't remember the first song that played but I do remember it not being hype enough. Then I remembered I had the new Katy Perry song Roar. Immediately after turning that on my body and kind reacted. That song made me remember why I love working out and what it does for me. Working out is not just about losing weight and getting fine. It's about the inner feeling that it gives me. That clean, free and nourishing feeling is what I loved so much. I could be upset, sad or even sexually frustrated and when I run every emotion goes away. That's what I was missing these past three weeks. I wasn't allowing myself to have that inner peace.
To Katy Perry and whoever else wrote that song, thank you.
Lately I've been in a workout funk. I have had very little motivation and desire to workout. The days I did workout I forced myself to just to see if I could get out and it didn't work. During this time I had started at home workouts, Jillian Michael's 30 Day shred to be exact. The workout itself was great. I have no complaints about the results that I have been seeing. My only problem was that I didn't like being secluded from people. I am a full-blown gym lover. It's not the fact that there are a ton of machines and equipment, it's the people who I enjoyed being around. To be around everyone with the same energy motivated me. I also feel that at home workouts for me are an easy excuse for me not to workout. So after the second week I my in home workouts I started to get bored. So the workouts slowed down. I would come home and fun other things to do to keep me from working out. After some thought I realized what had me in a terrible funk. I missed the gym, that person to person interaction. Being surrounded by people who indirectly motivated me to workout.
Yesterday was the first day in three weeks that I went back to the gym. Just the simple act of packing my gym bag excite me. I got to the gym and immediately felt better and funkless. My go to workout that gets me pumped is a run. I have been running for the past three years and it's one of the things that makes me feel good about my body. I hit the treadmill, plugged in my iPod and hit play. I don't remember the first song that played but I do remember it not being hype enough. Then I remembered I had the new Katy Perry song Roar. Immediately after turning that on my body and kind reacted. That song made me remember why I love working out and what it does for me. Working out is not just about losing weight and getting fine. It's about the inner feeling that it gives me. That clean, free and nourishing feeling is what I loved so much. I could be upset, sad or even sexually frustrated and when I run every emotion goes away. That's what I was missing these past three weeks. I wasn't allowing myself to have that inner peace.
To Katy Perry and whoever else wrote that song, thank you.
Monday, September 23, 2013
God Given Love
I have spent the better part of the last 3 years evaluating things and learning more about myself and what I want in life. Not specifically professionally, more so personally and spiritually. I have only been in one serious relationship, which was during my teenage years, and after that breakup I really wanted to make sure that the next person I let get that close to me was God sent. Now, if you aren't a spiritual person you may not understand what I mean by that, but just bear with me and I will try to explain it for you.
I felt that when I was dating I wasn't consulting to God about the men that I had chosen. I was in college and felt that I had to try different types of people and see what my interest was. I went through the thugs, preps, sporty, super religious, non religious, pretty boys, frats and all other different characters. Now, I never made any of those guys my boyfriend, they were merely potentials. The issue that came up was that I didn't know who Nikki was. I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship or even what to expect. I had always compared every new guy with he previous one and eventually fell on my face every time. So after college I decided that I wouldn't get into any serious relationships until I did some serious soul-searching. That lasted for about a year and I was ready to dip back into the dating scene. Then I hit a wall last year.
I was living and working in DC at the time. Had a few potential guys here and there, some good and some very bad. I even tried online dating for the first time. After a couple of crazies, being stood up (3 times) and booty calls, I began to get discouraged. I thought that I would never meet the right guy. I mean I was wreck last year. Guy after guy I was being disappointed. It felt like I was taking a thousand steps backwards. If you ask my cousin, the one person who really knew details, she would say that I was a mess. At that time I thought it was going to be impossible for me to be loved. Sounds depressing but that's how I felt.
Fast forward to a year later aka present day.
I am living and working in NY. This is something that I have wanted all my life. I worked very hard to get here and I am very proud of myself. My confidence level is high, I am secure within myself and I have no doubt of where I want my future to go. I met a few guys and went out on a couple of dates but nothing seemed to catch my attention long enough to remember their names. Eventually I stopped actively looking for men and just laid back. However, this doesn't mean that I would turn down a cutie or two. lol Anyway, so I am at work and I need to contact a coworker at another campus, one that I had left the previous day. I sent this coworker an IM requesting some work related information. After a few minutes I realized that I was taking pictures of this guy yesterday and never knew his name. (Well, he never formally introduced himself to me.) I got the information that I wanted and then I figured I would keep talking to him since I was new at the time. I can be a very sociable person, so it's very easy for me to start a conversation with someone. I continued to ask questions about him and where he was from. You know the general questions you ask someone to get to know them. I had no intentions of this conversation going any further than normal coworker chit-chat. However, after a two days of questions he asked me for my number. (Which I claim to be the action of who asked who out first, lol.) I of course interested in him by now gave him my number and we continued our conversation outside of work. That was a Wednesday, that Friday was the weekend of my birthday and I actually had a date that night. (Which turned out to be a dead-end.) We talked all that weekend, finding out that we had a lot of similar interests, spiritual wants, common present day and future desires.
That Monday morning at work we talked as just like we did the days before. Around noon he sent me a message asking me if I wanted to go out on a date. I was totally not prepared to go out on a date. I had work clothes on my hair wasn't what I would've wanted it to be and I had on no makeup. But for some reason I was really intrigued by this guy. So, I said yes. We met up after work in Grand Central station and immediately I noticed that he was really handsome and tall, both being a major plus. We started to walk towards Time Square to catch a movie, I unfortunately got us lost and we ended up at Red Lobster having dinner. Our conversation ranged from college days, religion, past relationships, food, music and much more. You name it we talked about it. It was such a relaxing and carefree date. It was also my first successful dates in a very long time. And by successful I mean that I didn't get stood up.
After the date we walked over to Bryant Park, which was lit by moonlight and tree lights. We walked, talked and shared more about ourselves. One thing led to another and he plants this very sweet, strong but soft kiss on me. A kiss that let's you know that he had a great time and plans on seeing you again. Needless to say its been almost 6 months and we have been together everyday since.
The point of my story is that you never know who God has out there for you. I had no clue that a small conversation with a coworker would lead to the blessings I have right now. We both had prayed for each other and never even knew the person we were looking for was right under our nose. God truly made all this happen in the way he wanted it. As humans, specifically Christians, we can sometimes forget who the real boss is and try to plan our life for ourselves. In this case, I have stepped aside and let God be my life planner and I have to say I like the direction he is headed.
I felt that when I was dating I wasn't consulting to God about the men that I had chosen. I was in college and felt that I had to try different types of people and see what my interest was. I went through the thugs, preps, sporty, super religious, non religious, pretty boys, frats and all other different characters. Now, I never made any of those guys my boyfriend, they were merely potentials. The issue that came up was that I didn't know who Nikki was. I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship or even what to expect. I had always compared every new guy with he previous one and eventually fell on my face every time. So after college I decided that I wouldn't get into any serious relationships until I did some serious soul-searching. That lasted for about a year and I was ready to dip back into the dating scene. Then I hit a wall last year.
I was living and working in DC at the time. Had a few potential guys here and there, some good and some very bad. I even tried online dating for the first time. After a couple of crazies, being stood up (3 times) and booty calls, I began to get discouraged. I thought that I would never meet the right guy. I mean I was wreck last year. Guy after guy I was being disappointed. It felt like I was taking a thousand steps backwards. If you ask my cousin, the one person who really knew details, she would say that I was a mess. At that time I thought it was going to be impossible for me to be loved. Sounds depressing but that's how I felt.
Fast forward to a year later aka present day.
I am living and working in NY. This is something that I have wanted all my life. I worked very hard to get here and I am very proud of myself. My confidence level is high, I am secure within myself and I have no doubt of where I want my future to go. I met a few guys and went out on a couple of dates but nothing seemed to catch my attention long enough to remember their names. Eventually I stopped actively looking for men and just laid back. However, this doesn't mean that I would turn down a cutie or two. lol Anyway, so I am at work and I need to contact a coworker at another campus, one that I had left the previous day. I sent this coworker an IM requesting some work related information. After a few minutes I realized that I was taking pictures of this guy yesterday and never knew his name. (Well, he never formally introduced himself to me.) I got the information that I wanted and then I figured I would keep talking to him since I was new at the time. I can be a very sociable person, so it's very easy for me to start a conversation with someone. I continued to ask questions about him and where he was from. You know the general questions you ask someone to get to know them. I had no intentions of this conversation going any further than normal coworker chit-chat. However, after a two days of questions he asked me for my number. (Which I claim to be the action of who asked who out first, lol.) I of course interested in him by now gave him my number and we continued our conversation outside of work. That was a Wednesday, that Friday was the weekend of my birthday and I actually had a date that night. (Which turned out to be a dead-end.) We talked all that weekend, finding out that we had a lot of similar interests, spiritual wants, common present day and future desires.
That Monday morning at work we talked as just like we did the days before. Around noon he sent me a message asking me if I wanted to go out on a date. I was totally not prepared to go out on a date. I had work clothes on my hair wasn't what I would've wanted it to be and I had on no makeup. But for some reason I was really intrigued by this guy. So, I said yes. We met up after work in Grand Central station and immediately I noticed that he was really handsome and tall, both being a major plus. We started to walk towards Time Square to catch a movie, I unfortunately got us lost and we ended up at Red Lobster having dinner. Our conversation ranged from college days, religion, past relationships, food, music and much more. You name it we talked about it. It was such a relaxing and carefree date. It was also my first successful dates in a very long time. And by successful I mean that I didn't get stood up.
After the date we walked over to Bryant Park, which was lit by moonlight and tree lights. We walked, talked and shared more about ourselves. One thing led to another and he plants this very sweet, strong but soft kiss on me. A kiss that let's you know that he had a great time and plans on seeing you again. Needless to say its been almost 6 months and we have been together everyday since.
The point of my story is that you never know who God has out there for you. I had no clue that a small conversation with a coworker would lead to the blessings I have right now. We both had prayed for each other and never even knew the person we were looking for was right under our nose. God truly made all this happen in the way he wanted it. As humans, specifically Christians, we can sometimes forget who the real boss is and try to plan our life for ourselves. In this case, I have stepped aside and let God be my life planner and I have to say I like the direction he is headed.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Recent Articles on LadyChoices.com
Recent Articles on LadyChoices.com
Hi everyone!
I now it's been a while since I have been around but I wanted to give you an update on the work I have been doing for LadyChoices.com.
I have been in the process of computer buying and it has been stressful. Hopefully by next week I will be back with weekly blogs.
Thanks for your continued support!
NappyNikki
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
i deserve
i deserve flowers on m doorstep
and coffee in the morning
i deserve notes left on my dashboard
and ice cream sundaes at 3am
i deserve honesty every day
and to be kissed every hour
i deserve to be reminded
how beautiful i am
~rephrased from StumbleUpon~
and coffee in the morning
i deserve notes left on my dashboard
and ice cream sundaes at 3am
i deserve honesty every day
and to be kissed every hour
i deserve to be reminded
how beautiful i am
~rephrased from StumbleUpon~
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
My Pressfolio
Hi everyone!
A few months ago I started a Pressfolio to showcase the freelance work that I do. I thought I would share with you guys! So click on the link and check me out!
Thanks!
nappynikki
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Weight Loss Journey Update and Changes!!
http://youtu.be/rO7I6Fg0DS8
This is a update on my weight loss journey and some new things that I will be trying. I will do an official before video for the 30 Day Shred on my start day.
All of the items mentioned in this video were purchased by me. I decided to try this because I saw that it helped a lot of other people.
Thanks for watching!
Blog: nappynikki.com
Instgram: @NappyNikki
Twitter:Nappynikkivlogs
My Weight Loss Journey Video: http://youtu.be/q5ERXUQTC54
Where I got the body trimmer idea from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgufLFsS9-w&feature=share&list=PLA3gLpVbBIz_1cCerSTOXhFXG9cwSFwLp
This is a update on my weight loss journey and some new things that I will be trying. I will do an official before video for the 30 Day Shred on my start day.
All of the items mentioned in this video were purchased by me. I decided to try this because I saw that it helped a lot of other people.
Thanks for watching!
Blog: nappynikki.com
Instgram: @NappyNikki
Twitter:Nappynikkivlogs
My Weight Loss Journey Video: http://youtu.be/q5ERXUQTC54
Where I got the body trimmer idea from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgufLFsS9-w&feature=share&list=PLA3gLpVbBIz_1cCerSTOXhFXG9cwSFwLp
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Face of the Day
Foundation- Makeup forever mat velvet #75
Powder- Maybelline fit me 355 coconut
Eyes- Elf 55 eyeshadow palette
Liner- NYC liquid liner 888 Pearlized Black
Lashes-NYC 847 Extreme Black
Brows- Wet n Wild brow pencil 649 mink brown
Lips -NYC 320 Mahogany
Monday, August 26, 2013
Healthy Recipe: Gluten Free Vegetarian Taco Pie
Healthy Recipe: Gluten Free Vegetarian Taco Pie
Hi everyone!
Here is my latest recipe on ladychoices.com! Please go check it out and share with a friend!
Hi everyone!
Here is my latest recipe on ladychoices.com! Please go check it out and share with a friend!
Saturday, August 24, 2013
I Am
I'm a silly strand of super gum.
I'm a pink shelled sunflower seed.
I'm a roly poly bug stretching my imaginary wings.
I'm a lime on a bag of tortillas awaiting to be squeezed but never eaten.
I'm a yellow highlighter fearing for my life.
I'm the center page in a book.
I'm a pink shelled sunflower seed.
I'm a roly poly bug stretching my imaginary wings.
I'm a lime on a bag of tortillas awaiting to be squeezed but never eaten.
I'm a yellow highlighter fearing for my life.
I'm the center page in a book.
Friday, August 23, 2013
My Weight Loss Jouney: From 240lbs to 165lbs
[gallery columns="9" type="slideshow" ids="1936,1939,1933,1927,1940,1929,1931,1935,1928,1924,1930,1932,1938,1937,1934,1925,1926,1923,1922"]
This is a collection of photos from my junior year in high school until March 2013. I would say that my journey didn't begin until after I graduated from college. My heaviest weight was about 240lbs and now I'm at 165lbs! I went from a size 22 to a size 10! I don't necessarily have a set weight goal that I am trying to reach. I just want my body to be medically healthy.
Most, if not all, of my weight loss is attributed to being active and changing my diet. In college I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn't really care too much about what I was eating. During my freshman year I tried to kick up a healthy lifestyle but I quickly fell to the waist side. LITERALLY! It wasn't until after I graduated college that I really began to understand how important it was to take care of my body. So I started walking each day until I could bring myself up to jog then run. I have been running since October 2010 (when I joined AmeriCorps) starting with 17 minute miles to now I'm running 8 minute miles.
In January of 2011 I was diagnosed with Celiacs Disease which changed my diet completely. I know that the diagnoses played a major role in the changes but I would still fully give all the credit to daily exercise and staying active.
I continue the same routine today that I started in 2010. That's work out 4 to 5 days out of the week. No matter if its hitting the gym, going for a run or dancing around my apartment (if the weather is bad). I live in NYC now so walking is always the case. I also continue to eat a gluten free diet. Although I hate it! lol
I hope you enjoyed my pictures and be on the look out for an up to date weight loss news!
This is a collection of photos from my junior year in high school until March 2013. I would say that my journey didn't begin until after I graduated from college. My heaviest weight was about 240lbs and now I'm at 165lbs! I went from a size 22 to a size 10! I don't necessarily have a set weight goal that I am trying to reach. I just want my body to be medically healthy.
Most, if not all, of my weight loss is attributed to being active and changing my diet. In college I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn't really care too much about what I was eating. During my freshman year I tried to kick up a healthy lifestyle but I quickly fell to the waist side. LITERALLY! It wasn't until after I graduated college that I really began to understand how important it was to take care of my body. So I started walking each day until I could bring myself up to jog then run. I have been running since October 2010 (when I joined AmeriCorps) starting with 17 minute miles to now I'm running 8 minute miles.
In January of 2011 I was diagnosed with Celiacs Disease which changed my diet completely. I know that the diagnoses played a major role in the changes but I would still fully give all the credit to daily exercise and staying active.
I continue the same routine today that I started in 2010. That's work out 4 to 5 days out of the week. No matter if its hitting the gym, going for a run or dancing around my apartment (if the weather is bad). I live in NYC now so walking is always the case. I also continue to eat a gluten free diet. Although I hate it! lol
I hope you enjoyed my pictures and be on the look out for an up to date weight loss news!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Slack Jaw, Tunes & Sloppy Face Fun!!~ Green 2 Reunion 2013
http://youtu.be/BYGEGNsewng
Last weekend my AmeriCorps team came together for our team leaders east coast wedding reception. Afterwards we all drove back to Connecticut and decided to have a good ole Green 2 party!
Monday, August 19, 2013
For Freedom Not For Beauty
There’s a beauty that lives so deep inside each of us.
There’s a fickle eye that doesn’t believe anything it sees.
There’s a benefit in love that erases all doubt and believes good intentions.
There’s an ear that isn’t free enough to give the honest man the benefit of the doubt cluttered by lies not-mentioned.
Since when is creativity subject to criticism?
When is honesty subject to a jury of fears who wouldn’t believe rain if it fell, or sun if it shined?
Sometimes a flower grows when no ones watching.
Sometimes a bird sings and no one hears.
There’s a meadow no one runs on and a cloud no one names.
And what would the sky be with out the sun?
What would the earth be with out its rose?
They’d still be the sky and the Earth.
So perhaps there is a peace in becoming.
Perhaps the meaning is in the experience and not the sight.
Maybe a flower grows because it suffocates under ground.
Whether or not she is always noticed, beauty must become.
She doesn’t look for an eye.
She doesn’t listen for a voice.
She just becomes,
For Freedom Not For Beauty
-Chrisette Michele
Saturday, August 17, 2013
B*+ch Please Moment of the Day
So I was in the gym trying change and it super crowded. But not to a point that we are elbow to elbow. Anyway, I proceeded to bend over and get something out of my bag and then I start to notice long blonde hair falling all on me and inside my gym bag. This tall blonde chick with her back towards me is racking her hands through her hair to put it in a ponytail. And all the damn hair falls on me. Ugghhhhh what the hell?! I don't hate too many things but I HATE loose hair, especially when its not my hair. But in the event to be the black woman that makes a scene, I swallowed my pride, blew the hair off my stuff and kept about my business.
But for all you people with long shedding hair folks please keep your fly always away from me. They are not needed nor wanted.
nikki
***Re post from April 2012***
But for all you people with long shedding hair folks please keep your fly always away from me. They are not needed nor wanted.
nikki
***Re post from April 2012***
Friday, August 16, 2013
Collection of Natural Hairstyles
[gallery type="rectangular" ids="1892,1887,1888,1889,1890,1891,290,1907,1906,1905,1904,1895,1894,1893,1896,1897,1898,1899,1900,1901,1903"]
Thursday, August 15, 2013
If You Could Read Her Mind
If you could read her mind what would it tell you?
Would it tell you what you want to hear? Her mind can be tricky sometimes. Hell it even fools her. Her mind would reveal things to you that you may not be ready to hear. You reading her mind would take you through a maze of emotional stir. Leading you to dead ends and roundabouts.
Normally this is where she would spill her heart and tell you how she feels. But there is no need for that, right? You can already read her mind. What she can say is that her mind is happy when you make surprise visits. When you listen to her ramble about random thoughts her mind is grateful. When you cook delicious food her tummy is happy. When you pray together her spirit is lifted. After a workout her body is sore, but soon will be happy. When she looks in your eyes and knows that she can trust you her heart is filled with joy. Her mind would tell you that since your first date she hasn't stopped smiling. She feels safe when you hold her tight. She dances to the simplicity of your beat. She feels proud when you talk about our dreams and aspirations. She feels strong standing by your side.
If you could read her mind then you would know that she is...
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Drugstore Beauty Haul!
[gallery type="rectangular" ids="1873,1874,1875"]
Hi everyone! So on the other day on my YouTube channel I did my first ever drugstore beauty haul and I figured that it would be really cool to share it here. Plus it's a really cool way to expand my content on my blog. So I hope you guys enjoy!
These products were purchased at a drugstore in NYC called Duane Reade and they are as follows:
Nail polish: Maybelline Color Show in Plum Paradise 280- On Sale for $2.49
Lips: NYC: 320 Mahogany and 304 Mocha- Both $0.99
Eyes: Wet n Wild 650D Purple/Violet eyeliner_$0.99, 157 Copper Shimmer Eye Pencil, 156 Blue Shimmer Eye Pencil- Both $1.19
Hi everyone! So on the other day on my YouTube channel I did my first ever drugstore beauty haul and I figured that it would be really cool to share it here. Plus it's a really cool way to expand my content on my blog. So I hope you guys enjoy!
These products were purchased at a drugstore in NYC called Duane Reade and they are as follows:
Nail polish: Maybelline Color Show in Plum Paradise 280- On Sale for $2.49
Lips: NYC: 320 Mahogany and 304 Mocha- Both $0.99
Eyes: Wet n Wild 650D Purple/Violet eyeliner_$0.99, 157 Copper Shimmer Eye Pencil, 156 Blue Shimmer Eye Pencil- Both $1.19
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
My Letter to Josh Marks
Josh,
Recently your name and face have been all over social media and I have to say that I initially found it very heartbreaking. Reading TMZ reports of a man who sounds nothing like the "gentle giant" I knew from college and the "fellow foodie" friend that I gained after. We weren't super close in college but we did have mutual friends, as our college was very small. Yesterday I read a news report of a video you did for Make a Sound Project, where you disclosed that you struggle with bipolar disorder. After reading that report and watching that short video my heart just melted. I was very shocked to find out that such a horrible mental disorder had attacked such a loving and kind spirited man. Over the past year you have blessed our Tougaloo family with your beautiful success in the food business. Just last summer you and I had dinner in DC, we had pizza and beer, and you told me about your experience during MasterChef. Although that was the last time we saw each other we still kept in contact through social media. I still followed for food life just like very other "JoshMarksCooks" fan. But what I want to say is that as a foodie friend, college classmate and sister in Christ I 100% support you during this time. I don't understand what it feel like to have bipolar disorder but I do understand what it feels like to be a sibling of someone who does. I'm not sure how long you have known about your disorder but I just want to tell you that there is a very beautiful rainbow to come at the end of this storm. I feel comfortable in knowing that you have the support of your entire Tougaloo family and thousands of people around the world. People who have grown to know and love you through your gifted hands and powerful appetite. I pray every night that God surrounds you and your family and that he reassures you that he has never left you and never will.
Sincerely,
Dominique Ingram aka NikkiGoesGlutenFree
Recently your name and face have been all over social media and I have to say that I initially found it very heartbreaking. Reading TMZ reports of a man who sounds nothing like the "gentle giant" I knew from college and the "fellow foodie" friend that I gained after. We weren't super close in college but we did have mutual friends, as our college was very small. Yesterday I read a news report of a video you did for Make a Sound Project, where you disclosed that you struggle with bipolar disorder. After reading that report and watching that short video my heart just melted. I was very shocked to find out that such a horrible mental disorder had attacked such a loving and kind spirited man. Over the past year you have blessed our Tougaloo family with your beautiful success in the food business. Just last summer you and I had dinner in DC, we had pizza and beer, and you told me about your experience during MasterChef. Although that was the last time we saw each other we still kept in contact through social media. I still followed for food life just like very other "JoshMarksCooks" fan. But what I want to say is that as a foodie friend, college classmate and sister in Christ I 100% support you during this time. I don't understand what it feel like to have bipolar disorder but I do understand what it feels like to be a sibling of someone who does. I'm not sure how long you have known about your disorder but I just want to tell you that there is a very beautiful rainbow to come at the end of this storm. I feel comfortable in knowing that you have the support of your entire Tougaloo family and thousands of people around the world. People who have grown to know and love you through your gifted hands and powerful appetite. I pray every night that God surrounds you and your family and that he reassures you that he has never left you and never will.
Sincerely,
Dominique Ingram aka NikkiGoesGlutenFree
Friday, July 26, 2013
The understandi...
The understanding love
They ask me what I see,
What I see when I'm dreaming,
What I see when I'm listening,
What I see when I'm writing,
But I don't see; I understand,
I understand how minds work,
I understand how hearts work,
I understand how my world works,
But I don't understand them.
Why can't people accept it?
Why do they need to know why?
Why do they want to know?
But they don't want to know why; they want to know what.
If I see their futures,
If I see the dead,
If I see words before me,
But I don't see; I understand.
So when they ask, what do I see in you?
I don't reply. I smile,
Because when I dream,
And I listen,
And I write,
You know what I see?
What I've always seen:
You.
-George Arkley
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
When You Really Listen to God
I'm a firm believer in having conversations with God. Each day I try to spend some time talking with him and making sure that I check in. It's kind of my reassurance moment. I don't say anything special, I just talk as if I'm talking to a friend or family member. Of course he already knows what's on my mind and in my heart, I just like to make sure I have a daily conversation with him.
My conversations are typically about everyday life. Maybe some problems that I am going through or even something that was just a random thought. No matter how big or small I always take it to Him. I never feel ashamed to say what I'm thinking. Never do I feel like I asked a stupid question. The time nor the pace matters when I have these conversations. In the morning, on the subway, or even in an elevator. Al I need is a few shorts minutes and I'm good to go.
Over the past year I have been praying consistently for one specific thing. That is that God directs me to be a woman that he is proud of and give me a man who is after his heart. During the course of the year I have come across several men that God has directly told me to stay away from. However, since I'm hardheaded and like to learn from my failures I kept on picking bad apples. It wasn't until I stopped picking and just let God handle the situation that I was in. He placed someone in my life that I had prayed for and someone who I believe he wants for me. At first I was hesitant because I wasn't really sure if this was real. The dates were great, he was very nice and had everything that I was looking for. Of course my conversations with God became a little more specific after this. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't wasting my time with someone who isn't on the same page as me. So I prayed and prayed and prayed to God. Told him how I felt about this guy and asked him what he thought and what he thought I should do. Now, to some people this may sound crazy but it is totally possible to have a conversation with God. God has given me total reassurance that this guy is right for me. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to be jumping a broom any time soon, but I can definitely say that I am enjoying what's growing between us.
The point is that when you talk to God and don't listen to Him out of fear, you will surely see the difference when you really start listening and obeying what he says.
My conversations are typically about everyday life. Maybe some problems that I am going through or even something that was just a random thought. No matter how big or small I always take it to Him. I never feel ashamed to say what I'm thinking. Never do I feel like I asked a stupid question. The time nor the pace matters when I have these conversations. In the morning, on the subway, or even in an elevator. Al I need is a few shorts minutes and I'm good to go.
Over the past year I have been praying consistently for one specific thing. That is that God directs me to be a woman that he is proud of and give me a man who is after his heart. During the course of the year I have come across several men that God has directly told me to stay away from. However, since I'm hardheaded and like to learn from my failures I kept on picking bad apples. It wasn't until I stopped picking and just let God handle the situation that I was in. He placed someone in my life that I had prayed for and someone who I believe he wants for me. At first I was hesitant because I wasn't really sure if this was real. The dates were great, he was very nice and had everything that I was looking for. Of course my conversations with God became a little more specific after this. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't wasting my time with someone who isn't on the same page as me. So I prayed and prayed and prayed to God. Told him how I felt about this guy and asked him what he thought and what he thought I should do. Now, to some people this may sound crazy but it is totally possible to have a conversation with God. God has given me total reassurance that this guy is right for me. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to be jumping a broom any time soon, but I can definitely say that I am enjoying what's growing between us.
The point is that when you talk to God and don't listen to Him out of fear, you will surely see the difference when you really start listening and obeying what he says.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Let's Wait A While: Tamera Mowry Says She Didn't Lose Her Virginity Until She Was 29-Years-Old
Tamera has always been one of my favorite women. Not just for TV but her morals and views on life have always been ones to admire. Salute to you Tamera!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
He Really Does Have That Whip Appeal: Songs You Probably Didn't Know Babyface Wrote And Produced
This is why he will always and forever be my favorite!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Fly Music Friday!!
http://youtu.be/jM_3dr1IQzA
Calico Panache- Diggin' You Remix
Looking for some new and eclectic music? Then search no more. Here is Callico Panache with a new video for their song Diggin' You.
These are some wonderful ladies that I had a chance to grow with in college. They started out as a dream and are now living it! So click on that video and watch for yourself!
Thanks for the love!
nikki
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Ruby Blues
I started working at Ruby Tuesday when I was 16 years old. I started off as a special person greeter, a fancy name for a host. I was the youngest new addition to the Ruby family. My new family was a group of peculiar people. Soon I became one of them.
Night shifts in Ruby’s always held events, but it’s the day shift that brought some of the most interesting characters. There was an old lady who came in every day at 11 o’clock. She lady had to be in her late 50’s to early 60’s. She always wore a grey sweater, black slacks and orthopedic shoes. Her hair was often pinned up in the back, she sometimes she would wear it down, hanging softly past her shoulders. She reminded me of Rose from Titanic, she had a certain gracefulness about her. She sat in the same booth, and would wait if it wasn’t available. She would always order the same thing. First she would order a glass of white wine, she would tell me her order but didn’t want it until she finished her first drink. She would always order the steamed dumplings with extra peanut sauce on the side. Then, she would order another glass of wine to finish her meal. Her total would always come out to $12.75 and she would always tip $2. Her cheap tip never really mattered, because her presence was always welcomed. It was something about her that made the whole restaurant feel at ease. She stayed consistent with her appearance for a year, and then she disappeared. I never knew her name or where she was from. It was as if she were never there.
The customers weren’t the only characters that came in Ruby Tuesday, my co workers were the show stoppers. I worked with all different kinds of people, from different parts of the city. The main attraction was my manager named Allison. Allison was 6’2” with short stubby hair. She had a slight hunch back and always wore high water pants. Allison was a 26-year-old black woman from Denver, Colorado. She believed that she was a white woman, she treated her hair and skin as if she were. When she came to work you could tell that she just washed it and didn’t do anything to it. Some black girls just can’t wash their hair, put their finger through it and go. They need a comb, brush, grease, and sometimes something to hold it down. Allison never got the memo for how to do black hair. We would often remind her of her natural ethnicity but she would only decline the notion. Allison had a boyfriend that she called Dirt. After meeting him I quickly understood the meaning of the nickname. Dirt was a white guy around the same age as Allison. He had a really thick beard that went from his nose to down his neck. Allison was very protective over Dirt and always questioned anything someone said to him. Allison and I never got along. It would be days were we didn’t speak during a whole shift. It was always best that way.
Other than Allison, the people who I worked with were easy to get along with. There was a couple, Inez and Brama. Inez was from El Salvador and Brama was from Nigeria. This couple was proof that there is love for everyone in the world. Inez had a very strong personality and would let you know firsthand of meeting her. She meant well but it often came off the wrong way. For example, Brama is a very big flirt and will openly do so, even if it would piss Inez off. When I first started working there, Brama would make sure that he liked what he saw in me. I never paid attention to this 30 something year old man. Inez on the other hand felt differently. She would never say things directly to me but there was always animosity in the air whenever she came around. Eventually she came around to realize that I had no interest in Brama, it was all in innocent fun.
Working at Ruby Tuesday taught me a lot about the real world and what it can hold. I was introduced to the drug world, strip clubs, alcohol addictions, prostitution, and much more. On my eighteenth birthday my manager Laura, whom I’m much closer to than Allison, told me that she was going to take me to the strip club. An all female strip club at that, and too my surprise the fact that I was old enough to get in the strip club excited me. I was getting to the point in my life where age brought rewards.
Every Friday night a lady, I liked to call New York because she looked like the reality TV star, would come into the bar and always order a Long Island Ice Tea. She always sat in the same seat and always ordered Asian dumplings. (Asian dumplings were a hot menu item apparently)Then at least ten minutes after she sat down a strange man would come sit next to her. After a few drinks they would leave together. An hour would pass and she would come back and do that same thing three times, with three different men. I didn’t understand it then, but my others co workers soon explained to me that she was a prostitute. I enjoyed being exposed to this world that I knew nothing about.
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and there aren’t too many people in the restaurant yet. A guy came in and asked if he could get something to drink. I told him that he could but he had to pay for it. He didn’t respond with a “no thank you” so I made the drink and gave it to him. I went to check on another table, came back to give him his check and he was gone. I looked outside past the patio and there he was talking to his crew. I went outside and asked him why he didn’t pay for his drink. He told me that he didn’t think he had to. I asked him a couple more times, but after the fifth time I gave up in him. I went inside and told Dean, the bartender, what was going on. I went to the kitchen and when I return to the front of the store I saw Dean out front arguing with the man. I guess the conversation got heated because the next thing I knew they were both going at each others throats. I guess the guy wasn’t stronger than Dean because Dean through him through the patio glass door.
I had never seen a real fight before, let alone with someone being thrown out the window. I was in total shock, and I didn’t expect for Dean to do all of that. The guy never paid the tab for the drink, it was only $2 for a soda. He didn’t he press charges either. He never came back to Ruby Tuesday, and Dean remained working at Ruby’s. It’s like nothing ever happen, they just covered the door with hard plastic and keep moving on with the day.
I loved my times at Ruby Tuesday, it brought and took away some very important people in my life. I met my first long-term boyfriend there. The way that we met was really funny because I didn’t know that he was interested in me. He was Nigerian, but had a Caribbean accent. It was hard for me to understand what he as saying sometimes. So whenever he would talk to me my first response would often be, “Huh? What did you say?” We started talking in January 2008, everyone in the restaurant knew about it. It was no big secret. This relationship was blissful at the beginning but soon the Ruby blues would cause it to have some drama. Relationships in Ruby Tuesday don’t often last long, but some can stand the test of times. This just wasn't one of those relationships.
Night shifts in Ruby’s always held events, but it’s the day shift that brought some of the most interesting characters. There was an old lady who came in every day at 11 o’clock. She lady had to be in her late 50’s to early 60’s. She always wore a grey sweater, black slacks and orthopedic shoes. Her hair was often pinned up in the back, she sometimes she would wear it down, hanging softly past her shoulders. She reminded me of Rose from Titanic, she had a certain gracefulness about her. She sat in the same booth, and would wait if it wasn’t available. She would always order the same thing. First she would order a glass of white wine, she would tell me her order but didn’t want it until she finished her first drink. She would always order the steamed dumplings with extra peanut sauce on the side. Then, she would order another glass of wine to finish her meal. Her total would always come out to $12.75 and she would always tip $2. Her cheap tip never really mattered, because her presence was always welcomed. It was something about her that made the whole restaurant feel at ease. She stayed consistent with her appearance for a year, and then she disappeared. I never knew her name or where she was from. It was as if she were never there.
The customers weren’t the only characters that came in Ruby Tuesday, my co workers were the show stoppers. I worked with all different kinds of people, from different parts of the city. The main attraction was my manager named Allison. Allison was 6’2” with short stubby hair. She had a slight hunch back and always wore high water pants. Allison was a 26-year-old black woman from Denver, Colorado. She believed that she was a white woman, she treated her hair and skin as if she were. When she came to work you could tell that she just washed it and didn’t do anything to it. Some black girls just can’t wash their hair, put their finger through it and go. They need a comb, brush, grease, and sometimes something to hold it down. Allison never got the memo for how to do black hair. We would often remind her of her natural ethnicity but she would only decline the notion. Allison had a boyfriend that she called Dirt. After meeting him I quickly understood the meaning of the nickname. Dirt was a white guy around the same age as Allison. He had a really thick beard that went from his nose to down his neck. Allison was very protective over Dirt and always questioned anything someone said to him. Allison and I never got along. It would be days were we didn’t speak during a whole shift. It was always best that way.
Other than Allison, the people who I worked with were easy to get along with. There was a couple, Inez and Brama. Inez was from El Salvador and Brama was from Nigeria. This couple was proof that there is love for everyone in the world. Inez had a very strong personality and would let you know firsthand of meeting her. She meant well but it often came off the wrong way. For example, Brama is a very big flirt and will openly do so, even if it would piss Inez off. When I first started working there, Brama would make sure that he liked what he saw in me. I never paid attention to this 30 something year old man. Inez on the other hand felt differently. She would never say things directly to me but there was always animosity in the air whenever she came around. Eventually she came around to realize that I had no interest in Brama, it was all in innocent fun.
Working at Ruby Tuesday taught me a lot about the real world and what it can hold. I was introduced to the drug world, strip clubs, alcohol addictions, prostitution, and much more. On my eighteenth birthday my manager Laura, whom I’m much closer to than Allison, told me that she was going to take me to the strip club. An all female strip club at that, and too my surprise the fact that I was old enough to get in the strip club excited me. I was getting to the point in my life where age brought rewards.
Every Friday night a lady, I liked to call New York because she looked like the reality TV star, would come into the bar and always order a Long Island Ice Tea. She always sat in the same seat and always ordered Asian dumplings. (Asian dumplings were a hot menu item apparently)Then at least ten minutes after she sat down a strange man would come sit next to her. After a few drinks they would leave together. An hour would pass and she would come back and do that same thing three times, with three different men. I didn’t understand it then, but my others co workers soon explained to me that she was a prostitute. I enjoyed being exposed to this world that I knew nothing about.
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and there aren’t too many people in the restaurant yet. A guy came in and asked if he could get something to drink. I told him that he could but he had to pay for it. He didn’t respond with a “no thank you” so I made the drink and gave it to him. I went to check on another table, came back to give him his check and he was gone. I looked outside past the patio and there he was talking to his crew. I went outside and asked him why he didn’t pay for his drink. He told me that he didn’t think he had to. I asked him a couple more times, but after the fifth time I gave up in him. I went inside and told Dean, the bartender, what was going on. I went to the kitchen and when I return to the front of the store I saw Dean out front arguing with the man. I guess the conversation got heated because the next thing I knew they were both going at each others throats. I guess the guy wasn’t stronger than Dean because Dean through him through the patio glass door.
I had never seen a real fight before, let alone with someone being thrown out the window. I was in total shock, and I didn’t expect for Dean to do all of that. The guy never paid the tab for the drink, it was only $2 for a soda. He didn’t he press charges either. He never came back to Ruby Tuesday, and Dean remained working at Ruby’s. It’s like nothing ever happen, they just covered the door with hard plastic and keep moving on with the day.
I loved my times at Ruby Tuesday, it brought and took away some very important people in my life. I met my first long-term boyfriend there. The way that we met was really funny because I didn’t know that he was interested in me. He was Nigerian, but had a Caribbean accent. It was hard for me to understand what he as saying sometimes. So whenever he would talk to me my first response would often be, “Huh? What did you say?” We started talking in January 2008, everyone in the restaurant knew about it. It was no big secret. This relationship was blissful at the beginning but soon the Ruby blues would cause it to have some drama. Relationships in Ruby Tuesday don’t often last long, but some can stand the test of times. This just wasn't one of those relationships.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
No Longer Starving for Love
So last night I received a late text from KC, a handsome fella that I am seeing, telling me about a sermon by Dr. Charles Stanley entitled "Starved for Love". After telling me that I should check it out I did so and listened to it the next day (today). I was initially a little confused on where the topic was going. However, after 5 minutes within the message I was immediately hooked.
Messages like this always come when you least expect it. KC and I have been seeing each other for about 2 months and things have been going well. We are trying to make it important to build a relationship that is pleasing in the eyes of God. Since this is something that is completely new to both of us we are finding it a bit difficult. Sometimes in my case overwhelming. Being in this very open and honest "relationship" has allowed for there to be very little room for doubt. Knowing that we are not perfect people, we fail and those failures can be a real drag when we are trying to accomplish something much greater than ourselves. But this is where the message comes into play.
Before this past year I know that I was starving for love. I am a fatherless child who has been abused physically, mentally, and sexually by 80% of the men that have been in my life. Time after time I would go into circles, dating the same type of guys and not learning from past mistakes and situations. I focused all of my time on my love life failing and what I was doing wrong. I was dating and picking men at the level of my self esteem. I needed to be picking a man that would lead, protect and pastor me. Dr. Charles Stanley lists 13 personality traits of someone who is starving for love, they are as follows:
After looking over this list I found that I had quite a number of these traits a few years. Not all, but more than I would like to have. I was starving for a love that was false and ungodly. A love that would eventually hurt me in the end and I would be back to square one.
The wonderful thing about KC and my "relationship" is that we both have the same goals and wants in a relationship. Just as I want a man who can lead, protect and pastor me he wants a woman that can help him become the man of God that he is called to be. We acknowledge when we are feeling a certain way and are unsure about whats going on. The number one thing is that God is the center of everything and that his love shines through it all. I'm not sure of the ending of this story with KC, but I can say because God is in the midst of this I know its going to be one pleasing to the heart. It's only been two months and everyday I am becoming more blessed and beautiful because God has placed him in my life.
Looking back on it I am happy I went through those situations. My story isn't finished yet, but if I hadn't gone through those things I would have never met someone who I know I prayed to God for a long time and who he himself gave to me. This thing is a work in progress and it takes a lot of patience, a lot of patience! All I can do is keep God first, love me second and be the best woman in Christ I know how to be.
Starving for love is of the past, now I can feast on it and become overwhelmingly full with joy.
Messages like this always come when you least expect it. KC and I have been seeing each other for about 2 months and things have been going well. We are trying to make it important to build a relationship that is pleasing in the eyes of God. Since this is something that is completely new to both of us we are finding it a bit difficult. Sometimes in my case overwhelming. Being in this very open and honest "relationship" has allowed for there to be very little room for doubt. Knowing that we are not perfect people, we fail and those failures can be a real drag when we are trying to accomplish something much greater than ourselves. But this is where the message comes into play.
Before this past year I know that I was starving for love. I am a fatherless child who has been abused physically, mentally, and sexually by 80% of the men that have been in my life. Time after time I would go into circles, dating the same type of guys and not learning from past mistakes and situations. I focused all of my time on my love life failing and what I was doing wrong. I was dating and picking men at the level of my self esteem. I needed to be picking a man that would lead, protect and pastor me. Dr. Charles Stanley lists 13 personality traits of someone who is starving for love, they are as follows:
- Someone who finds themselves in Immoral Situations: When sex becomes a road block to genuine love, esp. when they do not understand what love is about.
- Commit Crimes: A person will commit crimes because there is a deep yearning within themselves that is missing.
- Lacks Self Love
- Does excessive shopping to fill a void.
- They are lonely.
- They are critical of other peoples relationships.
- Angry all the time.
- Absorbed within themselves.
- They try to buy love.
- Overly Complimentary
- Always in Agreement
- Do whatever other people want.
- Willing to make personal sacrifices to buy love
After looking over this list I found that I had quite a number of these traits a few years. Not all, but more than I would like to have. I was starving for a love that was false and ungodly. A love that would eventually hurt me in the end and I would be back to square one.
The wonderful thing about KC and my "relationship" is that we both have the same goals and wants in a relationship. Just as I want a man who can lead, protect and pastor me he wants a woman that can help him become the man of God that he is called to be. We acknowledge when we are feeling a certain way and are unsure about whats going on. The number one thing is that God is the center of everything and that his love shines through it all. I'm not sure of the ending of this story with KC, but I can say because God is in the midst of this I know its going to be one pleasing to the heart. It's only been two months and everyday I am becoming more blessed and beautiful because God has placed him in my life.
Looking back on it I am happy I went through those situations. My story isn't finished yet, but if I hadn't gone through those things I would have never met someone who I know I prayed to God for a long time and who he himself gave to me. This thing is a work in progress and it takes a lot of patience, a lot of patience! All I can do is keep God first, love me second and be the best woman in Christ I know how to be.
Starving for love is of the past, now I can feast on it and become overwhelmingly full with joy.
Lazy Eyes and Such
When I was younger I had a lazy eye. I know that’s not the first thing that someone normally says when they first meet, but I think that it’s a good conversation starter.
The first time that I realized I had a lazy eye is when I was about 5 years old. My mom told me that I wasn’t born with it, it just happened as I got older. But the story that I am told is that when I was a child I would sit really close to the television. My mother would always say, “Nikki, you’re sitting too close to the TV, move back some.” I would soon reply, “Mama I can’t see.” I of course didn’t know what the problem was, but all I know is that soon after that incident I was in the eye doctor being fitted for my first pair of glasses. There I was, 5 years old, getting my first pair of glasses and that’s when all the torture began. Within an hour of eye blinking and saying letters I had just learned in daycare a year or two before. When I got some of the letters wrong, when the doctor covered one eye, he would tell my mother that I was too old not to know my alphabets. When the truth was that I couldn’t see them.
“She’s only 5, what do you expect from her. What you need to be worried about is getting her eyes straight,” my mother yelled.
“Ma’am by the looks of it, your daughter will never see clearly out of her right eye.”
Now, correct me if I’m wrong but I thought a doctor was supposed to let the family down easy with bad news. He told my mother that, as if she had just hit the lottery. But to her he just said that from now on your child has just become the laughing-stock for all those other evil elementary kids. So, my mother put my new glasses on me and said, “Baby, I love you even more now that you have a special eye. So don’t let anyone tell you different.” I knew that something was wrong with my eye, but I didn’t see it as a big deal. That was until I got to middle school.
Middle school has to be the worst time for a child to be going through any physical challenges in their life. Most days consisted of questions about my eye. Questions like, “What’s wrong with your eye?” or “Are you cross-eyed?” Days of constant staring and finger-pointing it was almost like I was a walking museum and the admission was free. My life was a joke for a long time and I felt that it was time to change my “special eye.” By this time my family and I had moved to Maryland and the possibility of getting help for my eye was a great chance. After a double dose of anesthesia, talk about cartoons, gas masks, two hours of cutting, stitching, and sewing, and last I remember, saying my alphabets backwards, I came out a brand new person. Released from the only one thing that I thought kids at school could tease me about. But again, I was wrong, because after my surgery I had to go back to school with a bloody red eye. The doctor failed to tell my mother that I would have to wear a patch over my eye because it would take about three months before my eye fully healed from surgery. The week after my surgery I was able to go back to school. I was terrified to return to school because of the stares and finger-pointing that was awaiting me. My mom drove me to school that day so I didn’t have to deal with school bus drama. When we got out of the car, I stayed in, only out of fear of the other kids teasing me. My mom pulled me and forced me to walk through the doors. That walk felt like the longest walk of my life. Might as well been on death row. I walked in school and it was nothing but all stares, finger-pointing and giggles. I knew it, I knew that was going to happen. But I had already made up my mind that I was going to be the laughing-stock of my school. I’m to make this funny somehow. As I looked around at all the kids staring, I took off my patch, walked to every kid and showed them what they wanted to see. My bloody red eye.
The first time that I realized I had a lazy eye is when I was about 5 years old. My mom told me that I wasn’t born with it, it just happened as I got older. But the story that I am told is that when I was a child I would sit really close to the television. My mother would always say, “Nikki, you’re sitting too close to the TV, move back some.” I would soon reply, “Mama I can’t see.” I of course didn’t know what the problem was, but all I know is that soon after that incident I was in the eye doctor being fitted for my first pair of glasses. There I was, 5 years old, getting my first pair of glasses and that’s when all the torture began. Within an hour of eye blinking and saying letters I had just learned in daycare a year or two before. When I got some of the letters wrong, when the doctor covered one eye, he would tell my mother that I was too old not to know my alphabets. When the truth was that I couldn’t see them.
“She’s only 5, what do you expect from her. What you need to be worried about is getting her eyes straight,” my mother yelled.
“Ma’am by the looks of it, your daughter will never see clearly out of her right eye.”
Now, correct me if I’m wrong but I thought a doctor was supposed to let the family down easy with bad news. He told my mother that, as if she had just hit the lottery. But to her he just said that from now on your child has just become the laughing-stock for all those other evil elementary kids. So, my mother put my new glasses on me and said, “Baby, I love you even more now that you have a special eye. So don’t let anyone tell you different.” I knew that something was wrong with my eye, but I didn’t see it as a big deal. That was until I got to middle school.
Middle school has to be the worst time for a child to be going through any physical challenges in their life. Most days consisted of questions about my eye. Questions like, “What’s wrong with your eye?” or “Are you cross-eyed?” Days of constant staring and finger-pointing it was almost like I was a walking museum and the admission was free. My life was a joke for a long time and I felt that it was time to change my “special eye.” By this time my family and I had moved to Maryland and the possibility of getting help for my eye was a great chance. After a double dose of anesthesia, talk about cartoons, gas masks, two hours of cutting, stitching, and sewing, and last I remember, saying my alphabets backwards, I came out a brand new person. Released from the only one thing that I thought kids at school could tease me about. But again, I was wrong, because after my surgery I had to go back to school with a bloody red eye. The doctor failed to tell my mother that I would have to wear a patch over my eye because it would take about three months before my eye fully healed from surgery. The week after my surgery I was able to go back to school. I was terrified to return to school because of the stares and finger-pointing that was awaiting me. My mom drove me to school that day so I didn’t have to deal with school bus drama. When we got out of the car, I stayed in, only out of fear of the other kids teasing me. My mom pulled me and forced me to walk through the doors. That walk felt like the longest walk of my life. Might as well been on death row. I walked in school and it was nothing but all stares, finger-pointing and giggles. I knew it, I knew that was going to happen. But I had already made up my mind that I was going to be the laughing-stock of my school. I’m to make this funny somehow. As I looked around at all the kids staring, I took off my patch, walked to every kid and showed them what they wanted to see. My bloody red eye.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Loyalty vs. Honesty
If you had to choose between the two which would you choose?
I was watching a video on YouTube the other day and the question was posed as to which is more important, loyalty or honesty. After watching the video I found myself thinking really hard about my answer. At first I thought that it would depend on the person I am expecting it from. The second thought was, well that shouldn't matter. Whoever you are dealing with should encompass both of those qualities. You can't and shouldn't have one without the other.
I am seeing this new guy and in the beginning of a relationship honesty and loyalty are the number one things that should be discussed. The way I work is that I am honest with each person that I am with. If I am honest with you my loyalty comes along with that. I would also expect the same from them. That's really all anyone can ask for. There are times where I can over share but that's something different I have to work on. My only goal in this is to be as honest as possible.
I don't mean for this to be an extensive post. It's just something that was on my mind. What do you think? Which is more important for you? Loyalty or honesty? Can you have one without the other?
Monday, June 17, 2013
Last HS Graduation Party for the Ingram/Adams Family
http://youtu.be/5lPXhETJUQk
Earlier this month I went home for my baby sisters graduation party. It was only for one day so I made sure to get the entire thing on camera! Enjoy!
What's in your Trader Joe's Bag?~ NappyNikki Vlogs
http://youtu.be/JYUVE91kT0w
Check out my latest edition of What's in your Trader Joe's Bag!
5 Ways Technology Destroyed Dating
5 Ways Technology Destroyed Dating
Hi everyone,
I have been away for a while but that's only because I have been doing some writing for a website called LadyChoices.com. Here is the link for my latest article. Be sure to check out more of the website if you are interested.
I'll be back later this week with a new post. Until then, ENJOY!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
The Perfect Fit
Shopping and dating are becoming one in the same.
I like to think of myself as a pretty picky shopper. I find it very hard to just look at something and without a second, or third, thought purchase it and go about my merry way. Earlier this year I was on a major hunt for a spring jacket. Something that wasn't too light or heavy, have pockets and be able to withstand rain. Most of all I didn't want it to be too expensive. I searched for months, going to over ten different stores and trying on at least a dozen jackets. None of which seemed to fit me just right. Sometimes the sleeves would be too long, they didn't fit right in the waist or they would either be too expensive or too cheap. Then after the third month of looking I finally found a jacket that fits me perfectly. It was right on a random day that I went out window shopping not expecting to buy anything. Before I actually tried on the winning jacket I looked at two jackets before that. When they didn't work I decided to take a break from looking and just leave the store. That was until I saw it. I picked up the jacket, examined the outside, checked the price and tried it on. It was a perfect fit. Just the right size, complimented my figure well and the price was well within my range. I was ecstatic. After looking for months I had finally found what I was looking for and it was when I least expected it.
That entire situation reminds me of dating. Like my spring jacket experience I had been looking, more so praying, for someone who would be my perfect fit. In the past I allowed myself to get overly excited and just pick a guy within an instant. I didn't take the time to inspect him, try him on, and compare him to others. I wouldn't consider the price, in this case I was paying with time and emotions, and end up paying way more than they were actually worth. In the past year I have truly learned a lot about dating and how I must learn to treat it like shopping. However, unlike shopping when you don't like someone and choose to return it for a full refund you can't get your money back.
Now, don't get me wrong, you may have found what seems to be the perfect fit but it will change over time. The jacket might lose a button, the zipper may break and the color may fade over time. However, you will grow to love this jacket even more as it seasons. Because you have spent so much time in caring and loving it you will never be able to part ways with it. This same thing applies to a relationship. In the beginning everything will be perfect and you will be all smiles, but as time goes on and you begin to grow with one another and changes will arise. Changes that are perfectly normal and that you will want to happen. I like to think of it like wine, its tastes better over time. Pus the foundation of who they are is what's important not what decorates them to make them pretty.
All in all I have found it best to wait for as long as possible for that perfect fit. No matter how long it takes, be patient and it will come and blow you away.
I like to think of myself as a pretty picky shopper. I find it very hard to just look at something and without a second, or third, thought purchase it and go about my merry way. Earlier this year I was on a major hunt for a spring jacket. Something that wasn't too light or heavy, have pockets and be able to withstand rain. Most of all I didn't want it to be too expensive. I searched for months, going to over ten different stores and trying on at least a dozen jackets. None of which seemed to fit me just right. Sometimes the sleeves would be too long, they didn't fit right in the waist or they would either be too expensive or too cheap. Then after the third month of looking I finally found a jacket that fits me perfectly. It was right on a random day that I went out window shopping not expecting to buy anything. Before I actually tried on the winning jacket I looked at two jackets before that. When they didn't work I decided to take a break from looking and just leave the store. That was until I saw it. I picked up the jacket, examined the outside, checked the price and tried it on. It was a perfect fit. Just the right size, complimented my figure well and the price was well within my range. I was ecstatic. After looking for months I had finally found what I was looking for and it was when I least expected it.
That entire situation reminds me of dating. Like my spring jacket experience I had been looking, more so praying, for someone who would be my perfect fit. In the past I allowed myself to get overly excited and just pick a guy within an instant. I didn't take the time to inspect him, try him on, and compare him to others. I wouldn't consider the price, in this case I was paying with time and emotions, and end up paying way more than they were actually worth. In the past year I have truly learned a lot about dating and how I must learn to treat it like shopping. However, unlike shopping when you don't like someone and choose to return it for a full refund you can't get your money back.
Now, don't get me wrong, you may have found what seems to be the perfect fit but it will change over time. The jacket might lose a button, the zipper may break and the color may fade over time. However, you will grow to love this jacket even more as it seasons. Because you have spent so much time in caring and loving it you will never be able to part ways with it. This same thing applies to a relationship. In the beginning everything will be perfect and you will be all smiles, but as time goes on and you begin to grow with one another and changes will arise. Changes that are perfectly normal and that you will want to happen. I like to think of it like wine, its tastes better over time. Pus the foundation of who they are is what's important not what decorates them to make them pretty.
All in all I have found it best to wait for as long as possible for that perfect fit. No matter how long it takes, be patient and it will come and blow you away.
Monday, June 3, 2013
{Slow Cooker} Overnight Cinamon Apple Gluten Free Oatmeal
{Slow Cooker} Overnight Cinnamon Apple Oatmeal
Yield: 4 Servings
Serving Size: 1 cup prepared oatmeal, 1 tablespoon dried fruit,
Ingredients
- Non-stick cooking spray
- 2 large tart apples (such as Granny Smith or Pink Lady), chopped
- 1 1/2 cups skim milk
- 1 1/2 cups water
- 1 cup whole grain oats
- 3 tablespoons packed dark brown sugar
- 2 tablespoons butter
- 1 tablespoon cinnamon (more or less to your taste)
- 2 tablespoons milled/ground flaxseed
- 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Additional Toppings
- 1/4 cup dried fruit (raisins, cranberries)
- 1/4 cup chopped nuts (walnuts, almonds, pecans)
Instructions
Spray a 3 1/2 quart or larger slow cooker with non-stick cooking spray. Combine chopped apples, milk, water, oats, sugar, butter, and flax- stirring to combine. Cover and cook on low for 7-8 hours (overnight). Stir in 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt into the oatmeal just before serving.
If desired, serve with additional toppings (1 tablespoon dried fruit and 1 tablespoon chopped nuts, each)
Nutritional Information:
Calories: 321; Fat: 13 g; Carbohydrate: 46 g; Fiber: 6 g; Protein: 7 g
Link to my video tutorial: http://youtu.be/1gnzVD6bliQ
Link to original recipe: http://chocolate-broccoli.com/2012/09/slow-cooker-overnight-cinnamon-apple-oatmeal.html
![[gallery ids="1966,1978"]](http://nappynikki.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/20130829-092859.jpg){kind=link}
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I Can't Say Thi...
I Can't Say This Out Loud
You probably understand. Or maybe you don't, after all. Either way, it is jumping around inside me and if I don't let it out soon all my carbonation will fizz up and run over the side of my glass and I don't want to waste all that sweetness.
I want to kiss you underwater.
I want that kiss to be the only thing keeping us alive. Down there we are foreigners, aliens. Grasping, I want to feel your flesh in stark contrast to the smooth wetness all around me, like a secret.
All that life where we cannot live. Exotic, forbidden, so lovely. I am sick with love.
-Amanda Jerry
Gluten Free Vegetarian Taco Pie
[gallery type="square" ids="1624,1626,1627,1628,1629,1625,1631,1632"]
[youtube=http://youtu.be/SQoRYqEwXMQ]
ENJOY!
[youtube=http://youtu.be/SQoRYqEwXMQ]
- Ingredients: onion, bell pepper, carrots, soy chorizo, can of diced tomatoes, cheddar cheese, corn tortillas, veggie crumbles, taco seasoning (not pictured) and minced garlic (not pictured)
- Dice onion, carrots, and peppers to bite size pieces.
- Saute minced garlic in extra virgin olive oil under medium heat for about 2 minutes. Then add chopped raw veggies. Cook until soft, for about 5 minutes. Stir occasionally.
- Add in soy chorizo and veggie crumbles, stir a few times then add you diced tomatoes.
- Next, add your seasoning of choice. I used the Target brand of Taco Seasoning. But you can use any taco spices.
- Turn oven on to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. While oven is heating begin assembling your pie. Treat it just like a lasagna and place one layer of corn tortillas in the bottom of your pie dish. Then, add 2 hefty spoonfuls of your filling. Evenly spread your pie filling then top with a handful of cheese. Place a second layer of tortillas then repeat.
- Bake in oven for 15 minutes covered with foil. Cheese underneath foil should be completely melted. After the 15 minutes, remove the foil cover then place back in oven until cheese darkens a little. Remove from oven after 5 minutes. Let cool for 10 minutes before cutting.
- Slice your pie and serve with your favorite taco toppings. I chose homemade guacamole, salsa, and greek yogurt (low cal substitute for sour cream).
ENJOY!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Bryant Park~May22, 2013
[gallery type="rectangular" ids="1616,1617,1618,1622,1623,1619" orderby="rand"]
This has to be my favorite park in the city so far. I try to go everyday as long as the weather is nice. When I'm here I pretend that I am in sunny California. Just an hour or so of free thinking, pigeon watching and warm sun. If you ever visit NYC go to Bryant Park. I promise its worth it. I will make sure I take pictures of it at night next time, because it is just as beautiful.
This has to be my favorite park in the city so far. I try to go everyday as long as the weather is nice. When I'm here I pretend that I am in sunny California. Just an hour or so of free thinking, pigeon watching and warm sun. If you ever visit NYC go to Bryant Park. I promise its worth it. I will make sure I take pictures of it at night next time, because it is just as beautiful.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Southern Style Gluten Free Shrimp & Grits
- [gallery type="square" ids="1601,1602,1603,1604,1606,1605,1607,1608,1609"]
These are the basic ingredients for this recipe. You have: mushrooms, Gluten Free Andouille sausage, corn (i don't like canned corn too munch, but its works just the same), green onions, sweet peppers (great for color) shrimp (which i caught at a great price, $5.25 for half a pound), heavy cream and of course grits which I forgot to take a picture of. - Even thought I bought peeled and deveined shrimp, I like to do a second cleaning before I wash and season. I also like to take off the tail.
- Slice your mushrooms, sweet pepper, corn and green onions. Size to your liking, I don't really like bite size pieces so I cut them medium size.
- I used about 3 tablespoons of butter...ok maybe 4 tablespoons of butter to a nice and hot pan. I didn't use oil in this dish because I didn't want it to be greasy, plus butter adds a lot of extra flavor!
- As the butter begins to melt add all of your veggies. Saute for about 3-5 minutes...then...
- Add in your sausage! Mhmmm sausage!
Note: This gluten free sausage came precooked, I wasn't a big fan of it being precooked, but it was the only gluten free sausage that I could find at the time. - After another 5 minutes add your heavy cream. I wanted to make the sauce for this dish, thick and creamy, so I just eye balled my amount. Its totally up to you and your liking! Then add shrimp! Make sure that you add the shrimp last because you don't want to over cook them and have rubbery shrimp. You can check after a few minutes if you like. Let simmer on low heat for about 8-10 minutes, take it off the heat then let is rest. I like to just leave the food alone & let it do its thing. No need to poke at it all the time.
- I apologize for not concentrating on the grits as much. I make them all the time so they were pretty easy. You can start them while your sauce is finishing up.
I also don't measure a lot because I do what comes natural to me. With that being said, I know that I used 2 cups of water, but as for the measurements of the grits I just eye balled it. If you're not sure definitely follow the instructions on the package. Cook until water boils out, stirring constantly (I know, it goes against my wishes), but you don't want burned grits. Also, with this dish you don't want your grits too gritty, so use a little tool called cream cheese...yes cream cheese! It makes them smooth and yummy, also add a tablespoon of butter for flavor.
Note: I did see on Food Network were someone used mayo instead of cream cheese, I'm not a huge fan of mayo so I didn't go for that. - So once everything is done, take your favorite bowl...layer the bottom with your creamy grits and top it off with your shrimp and andouille sausage sauce! Sprinkle a little extra green onion on top and ENJOY!
Note: My bowl isn't that deep, so its looks as if I have a lot of food, but I don't!
Monday, May 20, 2013
my mind is stronger than my body
although I love to run and make sure I maintain a healthy lifestyle, I sometimes need encouragement as well. losing 80 lbs doesn't mean that's it. I find it harder now than ever to stay motivated. its only been almost a week since my last run and im already feeling gross. yes, i used the weather, sore muscles, PMS and having family in town as an excuse but that doesn't make it right. this morning the first thing i did, even before brushing my teeth, was pack a gym bag. even though the weather is disgusting out i wont let that stop me.
so to anyone out there who has just started working out or to those who do it on a regualr basis like myself and feel like a failure for missing a few days, always remember that your mind is stronger than your body. put on those kicks and get moving!
so to anyone out there who has just started working out or to those who do it on a regualr basis like myself and feel like a failure for missing a few days, always remember that your mind is stronger than your body. put on those kicks and get moving!
Small town stirs BIG feelings
Last week for a few hours I spent some time in Nyack, NY. I took a quick 30 minute Metro North train ride from Grand Central to White Plains, NY. My plan was to hang out with a friend before going to pick up my sister for the weekend. Having no set plans I got in the car and just enjoyed the ride. I immediately lost my busy, uptight NYC feeling. My body began to relax and conform to the suburban way of life. It almost felt as if I was back at home in the south. Driving along the highway I witnessed trees, mountains and rivers on both sides of the car. I wanted to get out and climb so bad. I love New York City but this is one part of the state that I don't get the chance to see too often. I was almost upset because I knew I would have to leave soon.
Arriving in the small village of Nyack we drove by cute little houses with white fences and tree swings. Each house had its own personality and special touch about them. I wanted to stop and walk through them all. Smell the old hardwoods, touch the walls and hear the stories that flowed through the walls. This small town made me feel like I was in another state. There was no way this adorable town could be apart of a state I thought was consistently a dark hole. Nyack just became one of my favorite places in this great state.
We get to this small park, called Memorial Park, that immediately reminds me of the parks I used to visit with my uncle in New Bern, NC. The first thing I see is water. I am beaming with excitement. The park has all different types of people in it. People fishing, walking dogs, playing on the playground or just sitting and talking. We begin to walk towards the water and noticing the big crowd near the pier, we venture off the side of the park over some rocks to a more private area.
The water is calm and quiet. Just sitting and listening to the sweet words it begins to whisper. I am in heaven.
After a few moments of talking and enjoying the breeze we head back up to where others are enjoying the park. We continue to walk along the rocky walkway. The view is beautiful. A clear blue sky and good company is all a girl can ask for at the moment. We proceed to walk out of the park and into town and grabbed a slice of Buffalo Pizza from Turiello's Pizza.
It's a cute little family owned pizza shop that sells a plethora of famous New York style pizza. I failed to mention to my friend that I am gluten-free, so to make things easier I just ordered what he did and grabbed a ginger ale to sooth the oncoming tummy ache. The pizza was OK, not what I expected. Thankfully he didn't think it was the best pizza ever either. However, it did the job it was given. After I could not finish the massive slice of pizza we headed back to enjoy the park that was beautifully lit by moonlight.
A few hours later of talking, laughing and enjoying the beauty that God created I head back to the city where my view will become cemented skyscrapers, the smell would become of trash and sewage and the noise would be honking car horns. I love the city dearly but the Village of Nyack will definitely hold a special place in my heart.
Arriving in the small village of Nyack we drove by cute little houses with white fences and tree swings. Each house had its own personality and special touch about them. I wanted to stop and walk through them all. Smell the old hardwoods, touch the walls and hear the stories that flowed through the walls. This small town made me feel like I was in another state. There was no way this adorable town could be apart of a state I thought was consistently a dark hole. Nyack just became one of my favorite places in this great state.
We get to this small park, called Memorial Park, that immediately reminds me of the parks I used to visit with my uncle in New Bern, NC. The first thing I see is water. I am beaming with excitement. The park has all different types of people in it. People fishing, walking dogs, playing on the playground or just sitting and talking. We begin to walk towards the water and noticing the big crowd near the pier, we venture off the side of the park over some rocks to a more private area.
The water is calm and quiet. Just sitting and listening to the sweet words it begins to whisper. I am in heaven.
After a few moments of talking and enjoying the breeze we head back up to where others are enjoying the park. We continue to walk along the rocky walkway. The view is beautiful. A clear blue sky and good company is all a girl can ask for at the moment. We proceed to walk out of the park and into town and grabbed a slice of Buffalo Pizza from Turiello's Pizza.
It's a cute little family owned pizza shop that sells a plethora of famous New York style pizza. I failed to mention to my friend that I am gluten-free, so to make things easier I just ordered what he did and grabbed a ginger ale to sooth the oncoming tummy ache. The pizza was OK, not what I expected. Thankfully he didn't think it was the best pizza ever either. However, it did the job it was given. After I could not finish the massive slice of pizza we headed back to enjoy the park that was beautifully lit by moonlight.
A few hours later of talking, laughing and enjoying the beauty that God created I head back to the city where my view will become cemented skyscrapers, the smell would become of trash and sewage and the noise would be honking car horns. I love the city dearly but the Village of Nyack will definitely hold a special place in my heart.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Baby Sis turns 21 in NYC!!
[gallery type="rectangular" ids="1522,1528,1530,1533,1534,1536,1537,1540,1541,1545,1547,1553,1551,1555,1557,1558,1559,1563,1567,1568,1569,1571,1572,1573,1574"]
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
...I don't give...
...I don't give a fuck about women. I'll be a domestic housewife I love traditional roles and anyone who gotta problem with it can kiss my fat ass. Pump my gas, carry my bags and open doors. I'll sit and look pretty.
via Facebook Friend
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
My 25th Birthday Celebration!
http://youtu.be/_DGA_eS1pXU
Last night of being 24 never felt so good!!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
"I am not a to...
"I am not a toy that you can play with when you're bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me! Until then, we are done."- Olivia Pope
a woman scorned
loving you isn't suppose to hurt me. i am suppose to feel the safe and secure. except i feel nothing but fear and agony. i don't know how much more i can give. i know things about you that you have no clue of me knowing. but i love you in spite of. your actions don't deserve the love that i give you. your actions don't deserve me. i love myself too damn much to be pulled, mangled and dangled. i am a great woman with a shit ton of potential and if you cant see that then there is something is wrong with you. not me. i love you, but loving you doesn't mean i have to be with you. if you want me, come get me. i refuse to chase anyone that doesn't want to be kept.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Quarter Life Reflections...
It's 10:09 on Sunday night. Yesterday was my birthday and I turned the big 25. I can now check the 25- 32 box on random applications. All day I received happy birthday wishes in various forms. At one point it got very overwhelming. I didn't realize how many people I had met over the years and the many different friendships I had formed. For a second I had a Big Fish moment, where everyone I had met throughout my lifetime had all come to one place to celebrate my life. Everyone having different stories of how we met and the crazy situations that we got into. There were even some people that I pushed out of my life because they brought no peace to it. Those people were reminders of how far I have come as a woman and also of how I should continue to live my life. I felt blessed to have such amazing people in my life to celebrate my life with and I can't wait to do this again next year.
I was able to celebrate in a true 25 year old fashion. Ending my year with a night of 10 amazing friends and some new ones too, wild sweaty dancing, chocolate chip cookies that Martha Stewart couldn't compete with, 10 shots of liquid birthday cake, 5 beautiful Irish men that each came with a shot of something called Jameson, a crazy taxi ride, a platter of fried goodness and my very own Coyote Ugly experience. That is all just putting it lightly. My last night as a 24 year old rocked my socks off!
(Disclaimer: I realized the morning after that I cannot hang the way I used to in college. lol However it was fun while it lasted.)
So, now that I am officially an "adult" what do I do? What are my goals for the next 25 years? To be honest it's a little difficult to say what my goals are for the next 25 years, which is expected. However, I can say that for the next 5 years I see myself becoming something more beautiful and amazing. Not to sound cocky or anything.
In my professional life my goal is to complete my masters program and begin my career in the magazine world. I also would like to go back and do some work in the non profit sector. In my health life my goal is remain a healthy lifestyle, maybe get to my goal weight of 150lbs, I'm at 165 lbs now. This is not a major issue since I don't believe in putting pressure on oneself about this, but it would be pretty sweet to get there. I would also like to learn a form of dance, maybe salsa. That's random but it goes with health. I would like to visit 3 new countries within the next 5 years. Traveling is very important to me and I find it to be an essential to personal growth. Lastly, my love life. Oh my infamous random love life. I don't want to make goals but I do know what I am open to. I am open to a relationship, possibly with someone that I can learn and grow with. Have wonderful experiences with and discuss a future with. I am also open to starting a family. Let's get real, I don't want to have children at a late age. I would rather start a family before I'm 35. I think it's very important for children to have parents that will be around when they have start to have their own. True, these things will come with time and patience but it's alright to put them in the air.
For now I will continue to live the life I have built for myself. Enjoy my little apartment in Brooklyn, enjoy my masters program, run around New York City and get lost from time to time, laugh and sing with my girlfriends and enjoy each day as if it were my last!
I was able to celebrate in a true 25 year old fashion. Ending my year with a night of 10 amazing friends and some new ones too, wild sweaty dancing, chocolate chip cookies that Martha Stewart couldn't compete with, 10 shots of liquid birthday cake, 5 beautiful Irish men that each came with a shot of something called Jameson, a crazy taxi ride, a platter of fried goodness and my very own Coyote Ugly experience. That is all just putting it lightly. My last night as a 24 year old rocked my socks off!
(Disclaimer: I realized the morning after that I cannot hang the way I used to in college. lol However it was fun while it lasted.)
So, now that I am officially an "adult" what do I do? What are my goals for the next 25 years? To be honest it's a little difficult to say what my goals are for the next 25 years, which is expected. However, I can say that for the next 5 years I see myself becoming something more beautiful and amazing. Not to sound cocky or anything.
In my professional life my goal is to complete my masters program and begin my career in the magazine world. I also would like to go back and do some work in the non profit sector. In my health life my goal is remain a healthy lifestyle, maybe get to my goal weight of 150lbs, I'm at 165 lbs now. This is not a major issue since I don't believe in putting pressure on oneself about this, but it would be pretty sweet to get there. I would also like to learn a form of dance, maybe salsa. That's random but it goes with health. I would like to visit 3 new countries within the next 5 years. Traveling is very important to me and I find it to be an essential to personal growth. Lastly, my love life. Oh my infamous random love life. I don't want to make goals but I do know what I am open to. I am open to a relationship, possibly with someone that I can learn and grow with. Have wonderful experiences with and discuss a future with. I am also open to starting a family. Let's get real, I don't want to have children at a late age. I would rather start a family before I'm 35. I think it's very important for children to have parents that will be around when they have start to have their own. True, these things will come with time and patience but it's alright to put them in the air.
For now I will continue to live the life I have built for myself. Enjoy my little apartment in Brooklyn, enjoy my masters program, run around New York City and get lost from time to time, laugh and sing with my girlfriends and enjoy each day as if it were my last!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
What Will They Say About Me?
When I die what will people say about me? Was I kind? Loving? Selfless? Or will they say that I worried too much? That I didn't take enough time for the little things? Will there be anything to carry on my legacy? Will I die with an honorable name? Will people sit around and share stories about how we met? Will there be tears?
This is a question that often comes to my mind. A big part of my anxiety and panic disorder is my fear of death. It's not necessarily the act of dying that I fear, it's mostly life after me that I fear. How will my family be affected by it? What will my sisters do? If I die before my parents will they ever cope with the lost? Will I have done everything that I wanted to do before I left? It may seem premature to have these thoughts but its can really make the mind wonder.
I know that death is apart of life and we all will have to die one day but what happens when that comes too early. I am a believer that God never makes mistakes but sometimes its difficult to understand why he keeps certain people and allow others to die. For example, I was watching the news the other day about the recent Boston bombing attacks and they were covering the story of the young university police officer that was killed while on duty. The news station interviewed his family, asking questions about the young mans character and what type of person he was. The family told honorable stories about how he always wanted to be a police officer and how he was always a loving a nurturing person. Events like these surely can make the mind run. Did that young man ever ask himself the same question that I do to myself? Did they say what he had wished? Did he leave a legacy?
It's a scary thought knowing that when you die many will be left in pain and heartache. For me it's damn near terrifying. Every day I pray for safety for my family, friends and all around me. That no one is hurt and put in harm's way. But we can't always control the things around us. How do we handle unexpected death and protect those we love from it?
So, what do you think? What will the people you leave behind in the world say about you? Were you kind,loving and selfless. Did you do everything that you wanted to do? What will be your legacy?
Although these thoughts create fear in the heart and mind they also create drive. I feel the most determined when I think about the short amount of time that we have on this earth. It's so important to me to love those that are in my life and to make sure that I have the best that I can be. I never want to have what ifs and I wish I would've. I know life isn't perfect and that we can't control everything that happens within it. But if you had the chance to be a fly on the way at your funeral, would you take it?
This is a question that often comes to my mind. A big part of my anxiety and panic disorder is my fear of death. It's not necessarily the act of dying that I fear, it's mostly life after me that I fear. How will my family be affected by it? What will my sisters do? If I die before my parents will they ever cope with the lost? Will I have done everything that I wanted to do before I left? It may seem premature to have these thoughts but its can really make the mind wonder.
I know that death is apart of life and we all will have to die one day but what happens when that comes too early. I am a believer that God never makes mistakes but sometimes its difficult to understand why he keeps certain people and allow others to die. For example, I was watching the news the other day about the recent Boston bombing attacks and they were covering the story of the young university police officer that was killed while on duty. The news station interviewed his family, asking questions about the young mans character and what type of person he was. The family told honorable stories about how he always wanted to be a police officer and how he was always a loving a nurturing person. Events like these surely can make the mind run. Did that young man ever ask himself the same question that I do to myself? Did they say what he had wished? Did he leave a legacy?
It's a scary thought knowing that when you die many will be left in pain and heartache. For me it's damn near terrifying. Every day I pray for safety for my family, friends and all around me. That no one is hurt and put in harm's way. But we can't always control the things around us. How do we handle unexpected death and protect those we love from it?
So, what do you think? What will the people you leave behind in the world say about you? Were you kind,loving and selfless. Did you do everything that you wanted to do? What will be your legacy?
Although these thoughts create fear in the heart and mind they also create drive. I feel the most determined when I think about the short amount of time that we have on this earth. It's so important to me to love those that are in my life and to make sure that I have the best that I can be. I never want to have what ifs and I wish I would've. I know life isn't perfect and that we can't control everything that happens within it. But if you had the chance to be a fly on the way at your funeral, would you take it?
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Letters to My Father: A Young Woman’s Journey to Finding Her Birth Father
These are letters that I wrote to my birth father, one right before graduating college and the other earlier this month, three years later. When writing the first letter I had every intention of mailing it off, but unfortunately I never had the courage to. I went through a lot trying to find my father before graduating, but back then I didn’t care. I had to know who he was. However, three years have passed and I do not feel that way anymore. I have grown into a woman who understands that what happened with him does not define my future. Therefore, the second letter is a reflection of how I feel about our "relationship" right now. Enjoy!
April 9, 2010
Dear Father,
All I know about you is your first and last name. No birthday, no family history, no school names, no favorite colors, no genetic diseases, no nicknames, not even a middle name. So if I was to try to look for you, it would be almost impossible to find out who you are. I knew nothing about who you were for a long time. I didn’t even know that you existed. It wasn’t until high school that I really began to wonder who you were, but at that time I didn’t really care to know who you were. I always thought that I would be better off not knowing. That was until I would see other teenage girls to have their fathers in their lives giving them boy advice and telling them the rules of dating. I didn’t have you to teach me how to fish, ride a bike, throw rocks, build things, take them apart, or to learn about cars. I’m not saying that since you weren’t there I never learned these things, but these are things that a father should teach his daughter. My mother did everything that she could to make up for what you didn't do. But the reality is that she is not a man and can never be one. I think that I would have been a wonderful daughter to you. I would come to you to tell you about my day, to ask you all sorts of questions about your work. I would have been the daughter to cherish her daddy and be proud of him, for the man that he was. I would have been the daughter to want any boy that I date to be just like you because I would know that I had the daddy who would love his daughter unconditionally. I would have been the daughter who would want you to give me away on my wedding day. I would be the daughter who needed your protection from all men.
In my freshman year of college, I told myself that I would find out who you were before my graduation day. I won’t look to you for money. I just want to meet you, to see who this other half of me is. I want to know where I got my lazy eye from. I want to know who is responsible for me having small fingers and toes. I want to know if you bit your nails when you were younger or if you still do. I want to know what you look like, if you look like what I imagined. Are you short and brown skin like me or are you tall and light-skinned? Do you walk the way I walk and talk the way I do? Are you a people person and love to be around a big crowd like me? Do you like to read and write? What was your favorite subject in school? Did you even like school? What were your goals in life? Did you want to have kids? Did you love my mother? Or even care about her? Did you know about me? Did you ever think about me or did you want to find me? Have you been watching me from a distance all these years? Do I have any other siblings? Or a step mother? If so, what are they like? Do they look like me?
I have spent all fours years of my college life trying to find you. Calling many homes with the only information that I knew about you and having no success in my search. Asking around with people who I thought may know who you are and where you were. Many told lies and didn’t say much about you. It was if you never existed. I remember giving up in my sophomore year because I would get so tired of finding dead ends. Then after I came back from studying abroad in South Korea, I figured I could try again. I remember calling houses and people's jobs explaining who I was and what I was trying to do. One lady even got mad at me for asking about the wrong person. I just knew that I was going to meet the man who blood ran deep in my veins. I have since then been unsuccessful with finding out who you are. I still only know two pieces of information about you, which is your first and last name. I don’t know your birthday, your favorite color, your family history or even your middle name. So if I continue to look for you it would be almost impossible for me to succeed. If I ever get the chance to meet you and tell you anything it would just be thank you. Thank you for showing me what a man and a father shouldn’t be like. I thank you for letting me experience hurt and pain. I thank you for abandoning me. It has made me much stronger than I ever would have been. Thank you for not being there when I didn’t want you there. Thank you for not being able to tell my secrets and to stop me from doing all the wrong things I did. Thank you for showing me how much you cared about me.
Dear Anthony Simpson,
It has been seven years since I began my journey to find you and seven long years it has been. In my previous letter I felt the need to please you and let you know that I was the perfect daughter. I felt that I owed it to you and myself. However, after much failure and frustration my feelings have severely changed. With no help from you I have graduated from Tougaloo College with honors. I served for 2 year in AmeriCorps, helping families and organizations around the country that were in need. I mentored to children, without parents, who needed a big sister and friend to turn to. I am currently studying for my Masters in Publishing and started my own website. I don’t have any children. I have never been in trouble with the law and a wonderful and supportive mother who has been there all the times you weren't.
A year ago I found out some less than flattering things about you. One in particular I’m sure that you are very aware of and that I won’t mention. Unfortunately I never learned if I had siblings, your favorite color, if you wanted children or if you even know who I am. I thought for a long time that not knowing you would have a negative effect on my life. I have now come to the realization that not knowing those details about your life has only made me stronger. It has taught me to be independent and self-assuring. To love myself even if no one else will. Yes, I have had some struggles in life but each and every time I have picked myself up and kept on living.
Anthony I want you to know that during all those years I only wanted one thing from you and that was recognition. I never wanted money or even five minutes of your time. I just wanted you to know that I have succeeded far beyond I can imagine. I am only 24 years old accomplished many things beyond what I could have ever dreamed with still many more years ahead of me. I have allowed your absence to severely affect my relationship with many people in my life. I spend so much time trying to get people to love me and accept me only because you never did. I always thought that my relationship with you, the back and forth of fighting for you to love me, was normal. That same behavior reflected into the rest of my life. I have experienced too much heartache because of your nonexistent love. So, I officially give up trying to find you. I no longer care about your middle name, your favorite food, if you have other children, or what you want to do with your life. I have lived this long without you and I intended on keeping it that way. I have been blessed beyond my means and I owe none of that credit to you.
Your daughter,
Dominique Ingram
April 9, 2010
Dear Father,
All I know about you is your first and last name. No birthday, no family history, no school names, no favorite colors, no genetic diseases, no nicknames, not even a middle name. So if I was to try to look for you, it would be almost impossible to find out who you are. I knew nothing about who you were for a long time. I didn’t even know that you existed. It wasn’t until high school that I really began to wonder who you were, but at that time I didn’t really care to know who you were. I always thought that I would be better off not knowing. That was until I would see other teenage girls to have their fathers in their lives giving them boy advice and telling them the rules of dating. I didn’t have you to teach me how to fish, ride a bike, throw rocks, build things, take them apart, or to learn about cars. I’m not saying that since you weren’t there I never learned these things, but these are things that a father should teach his daughter. My mother did everything that she could to make up for what you didn't do. But the reality is that she is not a man and can never be one. I think that I would have been a wonderful daughter to you. I would come to you to tell you about my day, to ask you all sorts of questions about your work. I would have been the daughter to cherish her daddy and be proud of him, for the man that he was. I would have been the daughter to want any boy that I date to be just like you because I would know that I had the daddy who would love his daughter unconditionally. I would have been the daughter who would want you to give me away on my wedding day. I would be the daughter who needed your protection from all men.
In my freshman year of college, I told myself that I would find out who you were before my graduation day. I won’t look to you for money. I just want to meet you, to see who this other half of me is. I want to know where I got my lazy eye from. I want to know who is responsible for me having small fingers and toes. I want to know if you bit your nails when you were younger or if you still do. I want to know what you look like, if you look like what I imagined. Are you short and brown skin like me or are you tall and light-skinned? Do you walk the way I walk and talk the way I do? Are you a people person and love to be around a big crowd like me? Do you like to read and write? What was your favorite subject in school? Did you even like school? What were your goals in life? Did you want to have kids? Did you love my mother? Or even care about her? Did you know about me? Did you ever think about me or did you want to find me? Have you been watching me from a distance all these years? Do I have any other siblings? Or a step mother? If so, what are they like? Do they look like me?
I have spent all fours years of my college life trying to find you. Calling many homes with the only information that I knew about you and having no success in my search. Asking around with people who I thought may know who you are and where you were. Many told lies and didn’t say much about you. It was if you never existed. I remember giving up in my sophomore year because I would get so tired of finding dead ends. Then after I came back from studying abroad in South Korea, I figured I could try again. I remember calling houses and people's jobs explaining who I was and what I was trying to do. One lady even got mad at me for asking about the wrong person. I just knew that I was going to meet the man who blood ran deep in my veins. I have since then been unsuccessful with finding out who you are. I still only know two pieces of information about you, which is your first and last name. I don’t know your birthday, your favorite color, your family history or even your middle name. So if I continue to look for you it would be almost impossible for me to succeed. If I ever get the chance to meet you and tell you anything it would just be thank you. Thank you for showing me what a man and a father shouldn’t be like. I thank you for letting me experience hurt and pain. I thank you for abandoning me. It has made me much stronger than I ever would have been. Thank you for not being there when I didn’t want you there. Thank you for not being able to tell my secrets and to stop me from doing all the wrong things I did. Thank you for showing me how much you cared about me.
Your daughter,
Dominique
Three years later...
April 13, 2013
Dear Anthony Simpson,
It has been seven years since I began my journey to find you and seven long years it has been. In my previous letter I felt the need to please you and let you know that I was the perfect daughter. I felt that I owed it to you and myself. However, after much failure and frustration my feelings have severely changed. With no help from you I have graduated from Tougaloo College with honors. I served for 2 year in AmeriCorps, helping families and organizations around the country that were in need. I mentored to children, without parents, who needed a big sister and friend to turn to. I am currently studying for my Masters in Publishing and started my own website. I don’t have any children. I have never been in trouble with the law and a wonderful and supportive mother who has been there all the times you weren't.
A year ago I found out some less than flattering things about you. One in particular I’m sure that you are very aware of and that I won’t mention. Unfortunately I never learned if I had siblings, your favorite color, if you wanted children or if you even know who I am. I thought for a long time that not knowing you would have a negative effect on my life. I have now come to the realization that not knowing those details about your life has only made me stronger. It has taught me to be independent and self-assuring. To love myself even if no one else will. Yes, I have had some struggles in life but each and every time I have picked myself up and kept on living.
Anthony I want you to know that during all those years I only wanted one thing from you and that was recognition. I never wanted money or even five minutes of your time. I just wanted you to know that I have succeeded far beyond I can imagine. I am only 24 years old accomplished many things beyond what I could have ever dreamed with still many more years ahead of me. I have allowed your absence to severely affect my relationship with many people in my life. I spend so much time trying to get people to love me and accept me only because you never did. I always thought that my relationship with you, the back and forth of fighting for you to love me, was normal. That same behavior reflected into the rest of my life. I have experienced too much heartache because of your nonexistent love. So, I officially give up trying to find you. I no longer care about your middle name, your favorite food, if you have other children, or what you want to do with your life. I have lived this long without you and I intended on keeping it that way. I have been blessed beyond my means and I owe none of that credit to you.
Your daughter,
Dominique Ingram
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
My Trip to the Museum of Natural History
[gallery type="slideshow" ids=",1458,1456,1455,1457,1454,1447,1451,1446,1444,1442,1441,1443,1436,1440"]
Hi everyone! I took a trip to the Museum of Natural History a few weeks ago and I forgot to post the photos. So, here you go! Hope you enjoy! If you want to see more on my trip there check out my vlog about it at NappyNikki Vlogs http://youtu.be/9kvxpBDAK1Y.
Hi everyone! I took a trip to the Museum of Natural History a few weeks ago and I forgot to post the photos. So, here you go! Hope you enjoy! If you want to see more on my trip there check out my vlog about it at NappyNikki Vlogs http://youtu.be/9kvxpBDAK1Y.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Why Does She Stay?
Every woman has been in a relationship with a guy that she should not be with. It may not be a relationship, even having a potential boyfriend around that shouldn't be there is toxic. Recently I have been dating/talking to several guys, guys I all like equally. Now, to be clear I have been single for over 3 years and I am now stable enough and ready to be in a relationship. So while dating I am looking to date someone with the same intentions. Unfortunately, not everyone I am seeing is on the same page as me and I haven't gotten rid of those that aren't. It is also sad to say that I am not the only woman in this position.
Every last guy that I am currently talking to at the moment is not only emotionally unavailable but they aren't even looking to be in a relationship. So of course you are wondering, "Why in the hell are you still dating/talking to them?" I can honestly say for two of them we have been friends for years and I would feel terrible if I just cut either one of them out of my life just because we can't be together. Having love for someone doesn't equal to being in love with them. However, that doesn't mean that deep in the back of my fairytale mind I haven't thought of the possibility of me spending my life with one of them. I thankfully know that this will never happen. It sounds terrible but its very true. The other guy, a newer dude I met since living in NYC, has recently let me know that he is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Now, we have been going back and forth for months with our "relationship" and it's starting to get annoying. We always have a good time when we hang out, we get along very well and have great chemistry. But again, if I want to be in a relationship and he doesn't at the moment, why am I still seeing him? I have no freaking clue! Which is why I am writing this. I really need a white board to be able to sort out all my thoughts and weigh my pros and cons.
Note: I started writing this post last week and the guy that I talk about in the above paragraph is no longer in my life. He has once again gone ghost. Three strikes and this guy is definitely OUT!
Whenever I think about situations like this I always wonder if I am the only woman who questions why she stays. Over the years I have had plenty of late night conversations with girlfriends on this much heated topic. We sit and talk about the shitty things that these worthless men we allow in our lives do but we never ever do anything about it. We never demanded that they do more and be better toward us. We never keep our so-called standards and make sure that we settle for less. We allow ourselves to bend and break just to have a taste of what we think happiness is. This baffles me. Why do we as women allow this? What makes these men so deserving of our time? Is it stupidity? Is it loneliness? Denial? Do we enjoy the drama? Perhaps we think we can change them. Whatever the reason we must do better.
I always find it difficult to cut someone out of my life. No matter what the person has done, I still find a small place in my heart to forgive and keep them around. However, I have recently learned that I can't allow for this same behavior to continue. Forgiving doesn't always mean you have to forget, nor does it mean you have to allow them to make the same mistakes again. It doesn't mean that I don't forgive them just the same, it just means that I have to be more aware of how it affects me.
Now that I have come to these personal realizations I can only hope that other women can do the same.
Every last guy that I am currently talking to at the moment is not only emotionally unavailable but they aren't even looking to be in a relationship. So of course you are wondering, "Why in the hell are you still dating/talking to them?" I can honestly say for two of them we have been friends for years and I would feel terrible if I just cut either one of them out of my life just because we can't be together. Having love for someone doesn't equal to being in love with them. However, that doesn't mean that deep in the back of my fairytale mind I haven't thought of the possibility of me spending my life with one of them. I thankfully know that this will never happen. It sounds terrible but its very true. The other guy, a newer dude I met since living in NYC, has recently let me know that he is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Now, we have been going back and forth for months with our "relationship" and it's starting to get annoying. We always have a good time when we hang out, we get along very well and have great chemistry. But again, if I want to be in a relationship and he doesn't at the moment, why am I still seeing him? I have no freaking clue! Which is why I am writing this. I really need a white board to be able to sort out all my thoughts and weigh my pros and cons.
Note: I started writing this post last week and the guy that I talk about in the above paragraph is no longer in my life. He has once again gone ghost. Three strikes and this guy is definitely OUT!
Whenever I think about situations like this I always wonder if I am the only woman who questions why she stays. Over the years I have had plenty of late night conversations with girlfriends on this much heated topic. We sit and talk about the shitty things that these worthless men we allow in our lives do but we never ever do anything about it. We never demanded that they do more and be better toward us. We never keep our so-called standards and make sure that we settle for less. We allow ourselves to bend and break just to have a taste of what we think happiness is. This baffles me. Why do we as women allow this? What makes these men so deserving of our time? Is it stupidity? Is it loneliness? Denial? Do we enjoy the drama? Perhaps we think we can change them. Whatever the reason we must do better.
I always find it difficult to cut someone out of my life. No matter what the person has done, I still find a small place in my heart to forgive and keep them around. However, I have recently learned that I can't allow for this same behavior to continue. Forgiving doesn't always mean you have to forget, nor does it mean you have to allow them to make the same mistakes again. It doesn't mean that I don't forgive them just the same, it just means that I have to be more aware of how it affects me.
Now that I have come to these personal realizations I can only hope that other women can do the same.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Kickin' Butt in South Korea
Sometimes when I'm daydreaming, I think about South Korea. There are moments when I can smell the air. I can smell the morning scent of hot water and bleach from the old ladies that cleaned the dorm I stayed in. I can smell the morning breakfast of fried SPAM and eggs. I can see myself walking to the restaurant, that’s what they called the cafeteria, getting my very own personal slice. Sometimes I can smell the lunch food. Like the smell of blackened squid and five-year old kimchi. The scent of kimchi alone is already horrid, but adding five years of stank doesn’t help at all.
The food isn’t the only thing that comes back to me.
It’s the end of April, almost May, the sun is out and the birds are chirping. Students are out on their bikes and hanging outside in the courtyards. The Spring Festival is approaching, which is a week-long celebration for the college kids who have just turned the legal drinking age, which in South Korea is 18 years old. (Thinking back on it I'm not quite sure if that what the actually celebration was about. But that sure is what they told me.) The school shuts down the north end of the campus and sets it up like a huge carnival. There are tents with food, games, yard sales, art sales, and a concert. I am walking down the long strip and I can smell the very delicious street cart food. Yummy treats on sticks, in bowls and even ones you can eat in one swallow. I can taste the cotton candy and the smoked Korean bar be que. The trees and street lights are filled with traditional colorful lanterns. Each tent has its own personal sign to display what they are selling. Not one inch of this half mile strip is naked, everything is covered.
One of my professors took the whole class to the festival, instead of staying in class. As we journeyed from the south to north end of the campus, they asked me inquisitive questions of my life back at home. We walked directly to the arts section of the festival, where the tables were filled with handmade journals and scrap books. Most of the things were for sale. One booth that we looked at was a huge cut out picture of different cartoon characters. The strange thing about the board was that there were large nails coming out the front of the board. So people would walk by and pay money to throw water balloons at anyone who chose to stand behind the nail infested board.
This spring festival was nothing like what the spring festival at my school in Mississippi was like, this is much more. This is not real, I thought to myself. I began to drift in and out of my journey, but to stay and relive this amazing place I close my eyes and begin to wonder again.
The next day...
As I’m walking out my dorm after a long day of classes, back to this excuse for excessive drinking. The sun is blazing and I am in the mood for some fun. When I see this sign that says, “FIGHT for 1 WON!!” I immediately run straight to that table and sign up. First, I get to pick my victim. It’s difficult for me to choose, because they all look like they can fight, I mean they are Korean and most Koreans take Tea Kwon Do. So I go for the one that tries to hide and choose him as my prey. I get suited up and pumped up ready for my fight. Keep in mind that I have never gotten into a fight in my life before, so I have no idea what I am about to do. As the bell rings and the crowd began to thicken, I prepare for what is mostly likely to be the most exciting thing at this festival. Bouncing around my target, I begin to go straight for the blow. Yes!, right in the ribs. This feels good, releasing all my stress and tension from class I swing again and hit him right in the shoulder. I really want to get to his face but it’s being protected by this big rubber face mask. At this point I am exhausted! I try to get him one more time and miss, so I call it quits. As my fight begins to dwindle down, I notice that my professors and the President of the school standing right behind me.
That day at the spring festival was one of my most favorite memories in Korea.I mean, how many people can say they kicked a Koreans butt.
The food isn’t the only thing that comes back to me.
It’s the end of April, almost May, the sun is out and the birds are chirping. Students are out on their bikes and hanging outside in the courtyards. The Spring Festival is approaching, which is a week-long celebration for the college kids who have just turned the legal drinking age, which in South Korea is 18 years old. (Thinking back on it I'm not quite sure if that what the actually celebration was about. But that sure is what they told me.) The school shuts down the north end of the campus and sets it up like a huge carnival. There are tents with food, games, yard sales, art sales, and a concert. I am walking down the long strip and I can smell the very delicious street cart food. Yummy treats on sticks, in bowls and even ones you can eat in one swallow. I can taste the cotton candy and the smoked Korean bar be que. The trees and street lights are filled with traditional colorful lanterns. Each tent has its own personal sign to display what they are selling. Not one inch of this half mile strip is naked, everything is covered.
One of my professors took the whole class to the festival, instead of staying in class. As we journeyed from the south to north end of the campus, they asked me inquisitive questions of my life back at home. We walked directly to the arts section of the festival, where the tables were filled with handmade journals and scrap books. Most of the things were for sale. One booth that we looked at was a huge cut out picture of different cartoon characters. The strange thing about the board was that there were large nails coming out the front of the board. So people would walk by and pay money to throw water balloons at anyone who chose to stand behind the nail infested board.
This spring festival was nothing like what the spring festival at my school in Mississippi was like, this is much more. This is not real, I thought to myself. I began to drift in and out of my journey, but to stay and relive this amazing place I close my eyes and begin to wonder again.
The next day...
As I’m walking out my dorm after a long day of classes, back to this excuse for excessive drinking. The sun is blazing and I am in the mood for some fun. When I see this sign that says, “FIGHT for 1 WON!!” I immediately run straight to that table and sign up. First, I get to pick my victim. It’s difficult for me to choose, because they all look like they can fight, I mean they are Korean and most Koreans take Tea Kwon Do. So I go for the one that tries to hide and choose him as my prey. I get suited up and pumped up ready for my fight. Keep in mind that I have never gotten into a fight in my life before, so I have no idea what I am about to do. As the bell rings and the crowd began to thicken, I prepare for what is mostly likely to be the most exciting thing at this festival. Bouncing around my target, I begin to go straight for the blow. Yes!, right in the ribs. This feels good, releasing all my stress and tension from class I swing again and hit him right in the shoulder. I really want to get to his face but it’s being protected by this big rubber face mask. At this point I am exhausted! I try to get him one more time and miss, so I call it quits. As my fight begins to dwindle down, I notice that my professors and the President of the school standing right behind me.
That day at the spring festival was one of my most favorite memories in Korea.I mean, how many people can say they kicked a Koreans butt.
Monday, April 8, 2013
True Life: I Have Anxiety and Panic Disorder
When I was 12 years old I was molested by a family friend. Since then I have dealt with a really bad case of anxiety. For years I didn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn't understand what anxiety was and how it even happened to me. I thought I was dealing this typical teenage girl problems, you know the mood swings, attitudes and crying all the time. I didn't know what triggered my anxiety or how to stop it. So for nearly 7 years I hid my problem. If I felt a panic attack coming I would hide anywhere to keep my secret, places like the bathroom, my bedroom or even a closet. I would sit for minutes even close to an hour trying to calm myself down. Sometimes I would be successful, others I just fought through it until I cried myself to sleep.I realize that this may sound very foreign and confusing to some people, especially those who have never experienced this personally. So, I will attempt to explain what a typical panic attack for me is like.
::: I am sitting in church, not really paying attention to what is going on. My body is there but my mind is in a very dark and cloudy place. I'm thinking about my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Someone who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. As I am thinking about the way the breakup happened, over the phone, my mind begins to run. Faster and harder. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute. My hands are sweaty and shaky. The pit of my stomach has tied itself into multiple knots. My body burns with heat. My breathing is now uncontrollable. I hold my chest is tight and I am gasping for air. I feel like I am being strangled by someone unseen. Fearing that I will die I begin to sob. Sobbing turns into hysterical crying. I immediately get up from my seat and run outside. Screaming with pain and fear. I kneel down to calm myself. I hold my arms close, rocking myself until I am at peace. :::
During my undergraduate years I can remember learning to control my anxiety before they turned into a panic attack. There were some moments where I slipped and things became a little difficult to handle but for the most part I was doing really well. I will say that the use of recreational drugs (marijuana), along with other forms of therapy (non-medicinal), significantly helped with my anxiety. By no means am I advising others who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder to use that method, I'm just saying what worked for me. Also, you are probably wondering why I never took prescribed medication. I am the type of person that does a lot of research and I wasn't conformable with the side effects that some people were experiencing from these prescribed medications. So, I took the holistic route. This method of treatment obviously ended once I graduated college. After college, while in AmeriCorps NCCC, I can specifically remember having one very bad panic attack. This was earlier on in my service year when a very close family friend of mine passed away. Thankfully I had a tremendous amount of support from my AmeriCorps NCCC team and I was able to go to them when I felt my anxiety coming back. Another thing that helped with my anxiety was exercising. Anytime I felt my anxiety getting bad I would immediately go for a walk or run. This activity allowed me to clear my head and level myself.
Now, you are probably wondering why I am writing about this now. A few weeks ago I noticed that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than normal. Initially I thought it was post vacation blues. Then when the anxiety occurred daily I became a lot more concerned about it. To be honest I did have a lot on my mental plate. I was dealing with a little heartbreak, worried about my professional future and I was dealing with some major issues with my birth father. Unfortunately, my anxiety got the best of me and I had a really rough two weeks. I have had five panic attacks in the past two weeks. Last Thursday I cried for my entire 40 minute subway ride to work and all day at work. That is when I realized that I needed to address this problem head on and stop denying it.
I choose to hide my anxiety and panic disorder because it makes me feel weak, alone and like no one understands me. I also feel like I'm never going to get better. I fear that this will interfere with every aspect of my life from professional to personal. However, after seeing a counselor about what was going on it was evident that I deal with this.
So here I am dealing with it.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
My Trip to England
My Trip to England
Hi everyone!
Here is the latest from my YouTube channel NappyNikki Vlogs! Hope you enjoy! Thanks for watching!
Hi everyone!
Here is the latest from my YouTube channel NappyNikki Vlogs! Hope you enjoy! Thanks for watching!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Sometimes, You Have to Kiss and Tell
Women always say that a good girl never kisses and tells, but sometimes that rule has to be thrown out.
Very few people get to experience mind blowing, toe curling, leg shaking, passionate sex. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about or who have never had the pleasure of experiencing this let me paint you a picture.
You have been traveling for hours you're sticky and gross. You get out of a hot shower your body squeaky clean. Wrapped in a towel you exit the bathroom only to be walked to a bed where every inch of your body is taken away from you. You lay down, your towel opens and your clean naked body is now exposed. Kissed from the top of your head, down to your neck, ending at your holy grail. Your body is floating in air and you can see yourself in pure ecstasy. Your body trembles with fire and you lose all sense of feeling in your toes, fingers, and face. Your body explodes like a volcano that has been idle for hundreds of years. What's happening is unfamiliar, scary and enticing all the same time. As you cool off you realize that you haven't been entered, just merely kissed by the sweetest lips that have ever graced the earth.
Or...
It's morning and you can feel the new Sun warming your face through the small cracks in the blinds. You know it's morning but you fight back the urgency to get out of bed. Turning your face the opposite way you feel a warm hand running up the side of your left leg. Still half asleep you let it be and enjoy the caress of his hands. You feel like a beautiful piece of art that he longs to desire. Suddenly you feel a weight on your back, not too heavy where you feel smothered, but just light enough where you feel protected. You can feel his heart beating straight through your chest. Slow, steady and calm as ever. The two bodies together begin to mold into one as he enters you from behind. He places his head in the nook of your right shoulder. Up and down, in and out your bodies dance to the beat of of the morning birds. Breathing hard each time they collide. You can't believe that something so simple can bring this much pleasure. His voice deepens as he goes deeper to find your treasure. Getting closer your body vibrates with excitement. Wanting this moment to last forever you fight your bodies urge to melt all over him. Up and down, in and out he is still inside of you. Breathing harder and harder he finds what he's been looking for. He then explodes, releasing his ink, leaving his mark and claiming that you are his. Now you both lay, he still on top of you, breathing in sync and weak from your dance. You turn your face to his and simply say, "Good morning".
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Sheldon and I
For the last six days my life has been in a tiny bubble. Filled with laughs, smiles, great Thai food, Game of Thrones marathons, and hours of much-needed conversation. Thankfully my bubble stayed safe from intruders, judgement and naysayers. I traveled across the big pond to visit a friend that I haven't seen in nearly 3 years. I met Sheldon, my friend, when I was very young. He is a year older than I am, but that really doesn't matter. I won't go into great details because that would take more time than I can spare at the moment, but I will say that our relationship is truly a rare one. As I said before I spent six days with him, catching up on our lives as they are now, reflecting on pastimes and discussing our dreams of the future. I was originally hesistant to make this trip because I was a unsure on what I wanted to gain from it. We hadn't physically seen each other in 3 years, but with the help of Facebook, Skype and email we were always only a few clicks of a mouse away from each other. So having the opportunity to physically reconnect was definitely something that I could not miss. My trip started Thursday afternoon, I was eagerly awaiting my arrival to a land that was rather unfamiliar to me. After landing in the new place I had to go through the usual customs dance. While examining my passport and other paperwork, the customs agent questioned my relationship with the person that I was going to see. After informing her that I was visiting a friend from college she still asked if I was visiting my boyfriend. I unconsciously replied yes. What did I just do? After customs and a quick cleanup in the bathroom I see him, Sheldon, waiting for me just like he said. Ecstatic about seeing him we leave and go on about our way. Sheldon is just as I remembered him. Same smile, dimple on each cheek, and same smooth lips. What I don't remember about him is calmness. Not that he was a hot head before this was different. A difference that I definitely enjoyed. Each day following that was perfect. Aside from good times with friends, great food and a little touristy adventures the most important moments to me happened in the comfort of his own home. Sounds crazy to travel so far to just sit on a couch, but I was more content than ever. The point of this story is to explain the importance of friendship over love. After many talks about what we wanted from each other and the future it was clear that what needed to be protected was our friendship. The most difficult thing for me to do was tell Sheldon that I was in love with him. He too told me of his feelings for me but his hesitations were not being ready for a relationship. That I completely understood and respected. The last thing I want to do is rush into something prematurely. However, it was very important to me that he knows how I feel and vice versa. Talking with Sheldon as adults put a lot of things in perspective. Perspective that my little eyes and heart needed to hear and see. On my last day I was in another world. Sheldon, not understanding what was wrong, thought that it was something that he did. I reassured him that everything was ok. I just needed a moment to reflect on my trip and to make sure that I was making good decisions. In the end I have no doubts nor regrets from this trip. I may still be a single woman but I gained something much greater. Sheldon is no longer that immature selfish boy I once knew, he is now a man who has grown into someone I would've never imagine. So if it means that the universe never puts us together as husband and wife but we get to remain in each others lives through no matter what then that's fine by me. So to Sheldon, I said it once and I'll say it again, I love you, always have and always will. And I'll always have your back, literally. ;) |
Thursday, March 14, 2013
I'm Sleeping w/ My Brother and Other Confessions
I'm Sleeping w/ My Brother and Other Confessions
Check out what's new on my channel!
Monday, March 11, 2013
The Filmstrip
I am among the small population of the New York society that enjoys riding public transportation, specifically the subway.
Riding the subway in New York is meditation for me. It has a smooth rockabye baby effect it has on me. The screeching sounds of the breaks, the rattling noise of the metal as it twists and turns all become my Zen. When I board the train and find my place, amongst the often times masses, I begin to enter my relaxation mode. This can happen either standing or sitting. My body and mind immediately goes into a sleep mode, like a computer. My muscles begin to relax and my mind starts to wander. At times I try to read a book or magazine but nothing seems to break this cycle. I eventually close my eyes and begin to fall into my comfort zone. I feel like an infant child that has been rocked to sleep by her mother.
The subway train cart is just the right size, 67x10x12.08 and with 8 doors. It's not too small to where I feel like I have people sitting on top of me and it's not too big that when I do enter my zone I feel ridiculous and stand out. These moments that I have on the subway vary in times and days. The most popular times are early in the mornings and right after work. Both times I am more relaxed and easy to fall asleep. However, there are some moments when my body and mind are fully awake and aware of my surroundings. This is when the filmstrip appears.
There is a 30 second window in a train ride when two trains will run side by side with a small wall that has open window like views in them. The trains don't necessarily run completely in sync. One may be 10 seconds ahead of the other. Those 30 seconds underground when the two trains are riding together is when all the magic happens. As I look into the opposite train I feel like someone has opened a window into a part of the world that I'm not supposed to see. In a very fast like lightning pace I see many different faces brown, white, black, and yellow faces. All with different expressions and having very different stories and going to different places. But the way the trains move and the windows overlapping it creates a filmstrip effect. So everyone is in one big story line.
In the morning I see several people reading newspaper and sipping coffee. Scenes of people having conversations, laughing about what happened the night before. Couples kiss and hug to go their separate ways. There are even the occasional bum. The story continues for 30 seconds then its gone. I am left waiting for the next one to play.
This may seem very small to most people but I try to enjoy the world in front of me, in every way that I can. So if it's 30 seconds of tiny glimpse into the life of someone else then that's fine of me.
Riding the subway in New York is meditation for me. It has a smooth rockabye baby effect it has on me. The screeching sounds of the breaks, the rattling noise of the metal as it twists and turns all become my Zen. When I board the train and find my place, amongst the often times masses, I begin to enter my relaxation mode. This can happen either standing or sitting. My body and mind immediately goes into a sleep mode, like a computer. My muscles begin to relax and my mind starts to wander. At times I try to read a book or magazine but nothing seems to break this cycle. I eventually close my eyes and begin to fall into my comfort zone. I feel like an infant child that has been rocked to sleep by her mother.
The subway train cart is just the right size, 67x10x12.08 and with 8 doors. It's not too small to where I feel like I have people sitting on top of me and it's not too big that when I do enter my zone I feel ridiculous and stand out. These moments that I have on the subway vary in times and days. The most popular times are early in the mornings and right after work. Both times I am more relaxed and easy to fall asleep. However, there are some moments when my body and mind are fully awake and aware of my surroundings. This is when the filmstrip appears.
There is a 30 second window in a train ride when two trains will run side by side with a small wall that has open window like views in them. The trains don't necessarily run completely in sync. One may be 10 seconds ahead of the other. Those 30 seconds underground when the two trains are riding together is when all the magic happens. As I look into the opposite train I feel like someone has opened a window into a part of the world that I'm not supposed to see. In a very fast like lightning pace I see many different faces brown, white, black, and yellow faces. All with different expressions and having very different stories and going to different places. But the way the trains move and the windows overlapping it creates a filmstrip effect. So everyone is in one big story line.
In the morning I see several people reading newspaper and sipping coffee. Scenes of people having conversations, laughing about what happened the night before. Couples kiss and hug to go their separate ways. There are even the occasional bum. The story continues for 30 seconds then its gone. I am left waiting for the next one to play.
This may seem very small to most people but I try to enjoy the world in front of me, in every way that I can. So if it's 30 seconds of tiny glimpse into the life of someone else then that's fine of me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)