EbonyandIvory Convos: Memory vs Imagination

Last night my cousin and I had about a 4 hour conversation. It bounced back from one topic to another, but to make this less complicated I’ll just talk about the post title. 

Ever think about your childhood or anything particular that happened in the past and try to figure out if the event actually happened or if you just imagined it? For my senior thesis in undergrad I wrote a mini memoir and I found myself often questioning whether or not my memory was correct. I know that I didnt have to worry about whether the stories were true or false. But its just something that I think about. Its also not something to lose sleep over. 

I guess I just wanted to share that. It was on my mind and so I said it…

talk you to you guys later…

Fear

Everyone has a fear, whether it’s of an animal, an idea, a person, or even the thought of something. People often refer to fear as false evidence appearing real. But is it really false? Is it possible to actually fear something that’s truth? Something that actually is in front of you every day and you lack the courage to confront it. I, like many others, have fears. But in this instance I’m not talking about animals or heights. I’m talking about the fear of being loved. It may sound uncommon, but I honestly feel like there is a such thing. I fear that I will never be unconditionally loved. And I don’t mean by family or friends, I mean by a man. I have contemplated this feeling and fear for a really long time. Questioning whether I am being melodramatic or if this is really how I feel. At this moment in my life I feel that’s possible. I have had about a handful of man friends in my life thus far, and only one of those was an actual “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship.  That relationship was 3 years ago. But not to dwell on that, I have not come to the realization that I will ever meet someone that will give me that unconditional love. Everyone deserves love that expects nothing in return. No one deserves to have never experienced that kind of love. I feel that every person I have had some sort of connection with that love or even compassion never existed. Is there supposed to be a person in your life that teaches you how to receive or spot unconditional love? If so, I’m still waiting on them to arrive. 

I guess what I’m saying is that its hard to believe in something that I can’t see. Or even feel. But who knows what wind is going to blow my way. I’m young, I have plenty of time for “Mr. Right” to come along. But until then I’m just chilling.  

While writing this I’m thinking, this sounds pretty depressing, but everything in life isn’t skittles and rainbows. (I hate skittles) But that’s the beautiful thing about life, if you’re blessed it allows you time to grow and overcome such fears. 

Good thing I’m working to be more patient on things I can’t control. 

peace, 

nikki

Hi I'm with Sexy---->

So since I moved back to the DC area I have been in search of a gym. Especially since mother nature has felt that she can become a wind storm at any given moment. I have been running (like almost everyday running) since October 2010, but when I first started I was in California. I know I know, why in the hell did I leave California? I was in AmeriCorps NCCC for a year (another story) and so I had been running in that beautiful weather for a year. Unfortunately I can’t get that same luxury over here on the east coast. Needless to say, I found a gym on Monday, joined on Tuesday and been every day since. Its Thursday by the way. I’m telling you, I laughed today and thought I was going to spit up skittles. There are some muscles you just don’t use when all you do is run. Now I’m not a gym rat by any means, but I enjoy the act of working out. It makes me feel good, especially when I know what I’m doing is going to pay off in the end. The point of this random post is that I’m getting my gym groove back. 

On a side note, I was on the elliptical yesterday and this lady a little under 5 feet got on this machine next to me, and was damn near on Lance Armstrong’s level. I mean she was gone and there I was just all regular and shit. But that’s cool cause I’m proud to be a regular gym user. I won’t pretend like I’m some super macho elliptical extraordinaire. As a matter of fact I’m going back to my lovely treadmill today. Hmm… 

Let me go, so I head out to the gym again. I tell you one thing, sore or not I know I’m going to get my monies worth! ttyl!

nikki 

Just want Booty Part 1

I was at my brothers job last year, mostly a friendly visit. While I’m there he introduces me this guy whom I will call Guy. My first impression was that he was really tall, quiet, and good looking. But that was it. We spoke, he went back to work and I went on my marry way. Now, I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I was, but other than that I knew nothing about him. And I didn’t get any hint that he was interested in me.  My brother tried to be match maker and say, “…maybe you can exchange contact information and hang out sometime.” This of course made the situation awkward, I mean he didn’t even allow that connection to happen organically. Which is the way I think relationships are supposed to happen. NATURALLY! There is nothing worst than being in a “relationship” that was forced to happen.  Anyway, I left that day without the exchanging of goods. The weekend rolls around a my brother says that Guy asked for my email. Honestly, that shocked me. But I accepted it for what it was. I met him on Friday, he emailed me on Monday morning. He was very kind and respectable in his emails. We had emailed that whole day, having the usual get-to-know you conversation. Very casual, and relaxed. By the end of the day he asked for my number so that we could talk more later. I did so, and we did. Over the course of the next 1-2 weeks, we talked almost everyday, he would text me the generic “good morning beautiful” or “sweet dreams gorgeous”. Now mind you, we never actually had a phone conversations, nor did we ever meet in person. Until, a second time I had gone to my brothers job. I told Guy that I was going to be up there and he said “Call me when you so and we can meet up.” I agree and then think that this would be our first post introduction face to face meeting. I wasn’t nervous, but I was excited. After talking to him for 2 weeks I had really gain somewhat of a like for him. But I would consider myself old school. I like to meet people face to face and actually spend time together. Back to the story, when I arrived at my brothers job and when I called Guy to tell him I was there, he seemed a bit shy, compared to his typical outgoing personality via text. Anyway, I got to the office and he was DULL! Barely spoke to me, don’t really think we spoke more than 5 words to each other. After I left that day, I was a little disappointed. Why you ask? Well, because he was charming while we were texting and to get the cold shoulder was a little unsettling. But whatever, we were just friends so technically no bells and whistles were owed. 

PAUSE

I feel like I need to take a break from this, so I’ll tell you the rest later. I promise there is an end to this story. I just can’t get to it today… 

later

nikki

EbonyandIvory Convos

If you know me, you would have to know a little something about my relationship with my cousin Ivory (I wont say her real name, its some crazy folks out here). Anywho, if you don’t know a lot about me, let me explain this intricate relationship. We are about 3 years apart, she’s older, but if you saw us I doubt if you could tell. Our mothers are sisters which obviously makes us first cousins. We grew up together and also went to college together. Although I moved away when I was 12 we still stayed close. I say all that to say, we talk often, and by often I mean like almost everyday. Our conversations last from between 5 minutes and 3 hours. Talking about education, spiritual life, relationships, food, relationships, fashion, entertainment and did I mention relationships. But we laugh, cry, scream and back all over again. There is never a conversation where we don’t feel like we really got to the core of something. I think sometimes we need to record our conversations. I’m telling you our talks get deep. So, I’m deciding to share them. So every now and then I’ll give you all a Ebony and Ivory convo debrief. Maybe you’ll like it, maybe not but its here if you want it.

There’s a beauty that lives so deep inside each of us.
There’s a fickle eyethat doesn’t believe anything it sees.
There’s a benefit in love that erases all doubt and believes good intentions.
There’s an ear that isn’t free enough to give the honest man the benefit of the doubt cluttered by lies not-mentioned.
Since when is creativity subject to criticism?
When is honesty subject to a jury of fears who wouldn’t believe rain if it fell, or sun if it shined?
Sometimes a flower grows when no ones watching.
Sometimes a bird sings and no one hears.
There’s a meadow no one runs on and a cloud no one names.
And what would the sky be with out the sun?
What would the earth be with out its rose?
They’d still be the sky and the Earth.
So perhaps there is a peace in becoming.
Perhaps the meaning is in the experience and not the sight.
Maybe a flower grows because it suffocates under ground.
Whether or not she is always noticed, beauty must become.
She doesn’t look for an eye.
She doesn’t listen for a voice.
She just becomes,
For Freedom Not For Beauty.

Chrisette Michele

Because I Said So

There is always a moment in your life where you think, “Am I supposed to be thinking like this? Do other women go through the same shit as me?  Or am I just the one person that all the random, delusional, unfortunate shit happens to? If I told somebody this I wonder what they would think?” If you’re reading this and shaking your head like nope that never happens to me…you’re LYING. Everyone has those 15 seconds of “..WTF?! I can’t believe this is happening!!” But then there are some people who are afraid to say what’s going on, because of what someone may think. I think that’s one of our number one problem. We are afraid to say what we feel, think and sometimes do for the fear of what other’s may think. How do you know that there isn’t someone out there thinking the exact same thing you’re thinking? You don’t. So say it! Shout it! Sing it! Write it!

You may be thinking, so get to the point of your blog…yes it’s called about NoSexandTheCity and yes its a pun on Sex and the City, so what I like that show and movie. But let’s get something straight, my “love” life or hell life period is not as active as those women, but that doesn’t mean I can’t talk about it. So I will. And anything else I wish to talk about. That’s allowed. Right? Ehh whatever, just continue to read, maybe you’ll get to know me a little more. Maybe you will hit a revolution in your own life. I don’t know. What ever it is just enjoy it! Why you ask?

Because I Said So

nikki