Hurry Up and Get Married!

At what age should a woman get married? Is it right out out college? Before 30? This question has to be the bane of my existence. Since college all I hear from friends, family, colleagues, random grocery store clerks and even coworkers is when am I going to get married. It's a question that is damn near annoying and invasive. In case these people didn't now, I am not God. I cannot see into the future nor have I ever been good at placing bets. So the little five word question that they feel necessary to muster from their lips should stay within the confines of their brain.

I realize that I sound pretty angry but I have every right to feel this way. Let me explain. I can count on both hands and feet how many high and college classmates who are either engaged, married, or married with a kid (including puppies). Double that number and that's how many times I've been asked about my marital future. That's 39 times too many in my opinion. The insane part of all of this is that  I am not even in a relationship. I'm just as fresh as a hot pan of country cornbread. I haven't had a boyfriend in the past four years. That number may seem pretty high to some people, but I take who I commit myself to very seriously. So I just don't call every guy I talk to my boyfriend after a week of texting and emoticons.  I prefer to take my time and really get to know the person I am considering to be my life partner.Life partner? NappyNikki you were just talking about dating, how did you get to life partner? Well, in my opinion the whole dating game is about finding that one true partner. Whether people want to admit it or not that's everyone's goal.

I am 24 years old, I've had 1 serious boyfriend and maybe dated, a term I use very loosely, 3 guys. And now everyone I know assumes that is is time for me to settle down, get married and start making mini me's. Just the other day a few coworkers asked me if I ever thought about it and if I hadn't I need to soon. I'm only 24 years old! Just shy of my quarter life crisis' mark. What's the rush? Why do I need to do it right now? Is the Messiah coming? Is there a shortage of men? If so, will those same people start encouraging me to marry a woman? (Not that I am against it.) All I'm saying is that if you are going to advise someone to do something, you better give them a good reason why. And even them I'm not going to move at the pace you want me to.

Now, by no means am I against marriage. I very well would love to enjoy and experience that agape love. I want a family and just recently realized that I want children. I want everything that people question me about on a daily basis and more. However, I don't want it to be forced. I don't want to feel like I have to marry someone just because we have dated for more than 5 years. Or have a baby because my biological clock is ticking and I definitely don't want to feel as if I have to marry someone just because they got me pregnant. This is not a movie where I had a one night stand with some random guy from a bar, he got be pregnant and now we have to force a relationship that probably never would have happen it if weren't for six shots of tequila and outraged hormones. This is my life and I take it very seriously.

So to all those lovely souls who wish me a never ending magical Disney fairy tale filled with lots of kids, baked goods and and endless supply of sappy moments. Pump your breaks! Let there be a boyfriend before you start picking out wedding dresses and nursery colors.

Late Night Thoughts

Recently I have been in an odd space with myself. Being sick allows you a lot of time to think. Think about your future, money, happiness, love: hell everything! Last night I filmed a vlog for my YouTube channel, Nappy Nikki Vlogs, (http://youtu.be/n1v5X7NH1zU) about purpose. I talked about life and what my purpose in life is and after a few hours of thinking I have no clue what my purpose is. In the past three years I have lived and traveled all over the US seeing and meeting all sorts of interesting people. Working for organizations that I loved and those that I didn't care for too much. I have been living in New York since September 2012 and I'm not happy. I realize that I have a job, an apartment in Brooklyn, and girlfriends I love so dearly. But when I lay in bed at night none of those thing comfort me, none of those things keep me warm and protect me. I enjoy surrounding myself with people because at night when I'm alone I feel lonely. I don't feel protected. I don't feel secure. I don't feel loved. I feel lonely.

It's interesting what your brain can do to you in the middle of the night. It reveals secrets that you try your best to conceal in the light. It reminds you of your insecurities and your flaws. My late night thoughts have shown me a lot about myself. Many of those things I try to fight and ignore but that's a battle that I seldom win. I'm not sure what my life has in store for me. I'm not sure if New York is going to be the place that I call my home. I am sure that I am willing to fight and figure it out. I'm a woman. I'm insecure at times. I cry and my mind will change every second. Aghhh....it is what it is.

Dirty Little Secrets: Valentine's Day Edition

Everyone has them, but no one wants to share. I have always been an open person and I have no shame or regrets about any of the

daddy's little girl

fantasy

it's 7:45 am on wednesday, may 4, 1988. i have just been blessed with the gift of life. i enter a staggering 8 pounds 8 ounces. my mother is filled with joy of her first-born.

im daddy's little girl. my first word was daddy. the first steps that i ever took were to my



father. at night he would rub my head while i laid on his chest until i fell asleep. after he carried me to my room he would check  under my bed and in the closet for bogey monsters. my daddy was the best daddy a little girl could ask for. every night he kissed me goodnight, reinstating that i am the best daughter a man could ever have. im daddy's little girl.

my daddy attended all of my school functions and never missed a birthday. he helped me pick out my dress for kindergarten graduation. packed my lunch for the first  day of school. he was home every day after school waiting to hear  how my day went. at night we had our tradition of bedtime stories. im daddy's little girl.

in middle school he taught me how to handle bullies. made sure that i learned how to protect myself from the big kids. he was my national honors society induction escort. pinning me with pride. my daddy was the "My child is an honors student" sticker on his car type. im daddy's little girl he would do anything for me.

in high school he warned me about the senior boys and their antics. for my military ball he danced with me before i left and told me i was the most beautiful girl in the world. he taught me about love and what it truly means. my daddy taught me not to give my heart to everyone and that i had to protect it. he said it was too precious and fragile to be given to a stranger. at my high school graduation he cheered louder than any other parent in the stadium.

at my college graduation he  silently stood at the front of the stage and watched as his baby girl became a woman. im daddy's little girl. the apple of his eye and his only true love. im daddy's little girl. i can do no harm.

reality

it's 7:45 am on wednesday  may 4, 1988. i have just been blessed with the gift of life. i enter a staggering 8 pounds 8 ounces. my mother filled with the joy of her first-born.

im daddy's little girl. my daddy forgot to show up the day i was born. he didn't tuck me in at night nor did he read me bedtime stories. he missed my first day of kindergarten, middle school, high school and college.

during my childhood years while my innocence was being taken, he was busy taking one of his own.

im daddy's little girl. rightfully scorned by yet another man. we played a game of hide and seek while i was in college. me searching for 4 years trying to find the man who hid on that wednesday morning in 1988.

im daddy's little girl. now grown into a woman. paying the price of being born. stuck with half the DNA of a person who doesn't even know im alive. fastened with memories of my first heart-break and first true lost. im daddy's little girl. forever mourning the loss of my father.

Random Thoughts: Writing a book may be in my Future

Last week, I went through my old email account and found my college senior thesis. I wrote a collection of short stories from past experiences in my life. They range from the homes I lived in as a child to my first love. I initially started the short stories because of my favorite author David Sedaris. One of my favorite books of his is Me Talk Pretty. He can take the most unconventional, most embarrassing moment in a person's life and make it seem totally normal through wit and humor. I took the same approach when writing  my thesis. After writing my thesis I had the idea to continue and write a book, but out of fear I ran away from the idea. Now, 3 year later, I have started to edit my senior thesis and now I'm having the feeling that I want to complete the book. That may seem like a haphazard thing to some people. Just wake up and say, "I'm going to write a book today." But for me its way more than that. In my almost 25 years on this earth I have seen, done, heard and thought about some insane things. I feel that I have gone through things in my life that someone somewhere in the world can relate to. So in an ordinary Nappy Nikki fashion I will do what I know how to do best, use my words. So here's to a new beginning!

P.S. I started vlogging on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/NikkivsNaps. Stop by if your interested.

-NN