Throwback Thursday; No Longer Starving for Love

July 2, 2013

So last night I received a late text from KC, a handsome fella that I am seeing, telling me about a sermon by Dr. Charles Stanley entitled “Starved for Love”. After telling me that I should check it out I did so and listened to it the next day (today). I was initially a little confused on where the topic was going. However, after 5 minutes within the message I was immediately hooked.

Messages like this always come when you least expect it. KC and I have been seeing each other for about 2 months and things have been going well. We are trying to make it important to build a relationship that is pleasing in the eyes of God. Since this is something that is completely new to both of us we are finding it a bit difficult. Sometimes in my case overwhelming. Being in this very open and honest “relationship” has allowed for there to be very little room for doubt. Knowing that we are not perfect people, we fail and those failures can be a real drag when we are trying to accomplish something much greater than ourselves. But this is where the message comes into play.

Before this past year I know that I was starving for love. I am a fatherless child who has been abused physically, mentally, and sexually by 80% of the men that have been in my life. Time after time I would go into circles, dating the same type of guys and not learning from past mistakes and situations. I focused all of my time on my love life failing and what I was doing wrong. I was dating and picking men at the level of my self esteem. I needed to be picking a man that would lead, protect and pastor me. Dr. Charles Stanley lists 13 personality traits of someone who is starving for love, they are as follows:

1. Someone who finds themselves in Immoral Situations: When sex becomes a road block to genuine love, esp. when they do not understand what love is about.
2. Commit Crimes: A person will commit crimes because there is a deep yearning within themselves that is missing.
3. Lacks Self Love
4. Does excessive shopping to fill a void.
5. They are lonely.
6. They are critical of other peoples relationships.
7. Angry all the time.
8. Absorbed within themselves.
9. They try to buy love.
10. Overly Complimentary
11. Always in Agreement
12. Do whatever other people want.
13. Willing to make personal sacrifices to buy love

After looking over this list I found that I had quite a number of these traits a few years. Not all, but more than I would like to have. I was starving for a love that was false and ungodly. A love that would eventually hurt me in the end and I would be back to square one.

The wonderful thing about KC and my “relationship” is that we both have the same goals and wants in a relationship. Just as I want a man who can lead, protect and pastor me he wants a woman that can help him become the man of God that he is called to be. We acknowledge when we are feeling a certain way and are unsure about whats going on. The number one thing is that God is the center of everything and that his love shines through it all. I’m not sure of the ending of this story with KC, but I can say because God is in the midst of this I know its going to be one pleasing to the heart. It’s only been two months and everyday I am becoming more blessed and beautiful because God has placed him in my life.

Looking back on it I am happy I went through those situations. My story isn’t finished yet, but if I hadn’t gone through those things I would have never met someone who I know I prayed  to God for a long time and who he himself gave to me. This thing is a work in progress and it takes a lot of patience, a lot of patience! All I can do is keep God first, love me second and be the best woman in Christ I know how to be.

Starving for love is of the past, now I can feast on it and become overwhelmingly full with joy.

Throwback Thursday: clamminess at its finest

April 5, 2012

i have always had clammy hands. not to the point where they are soaked, but just enough to bother me. and enough for me to have to drag my hands along my pants once or twice a day. i didnt think it was a problem, i actually thought it happened to everyone. you know when you’re nervous, hot, when you’re typing, and even eating hot food your hands sweat. normal right? well…

anywho, i was talk to Ivory (my cousin) the other day and was complaining about how clammy my hands were. She, being the detective that she is, quickly looked up information on exactly what my hands problem was. here are the details:

Name: Palmar Hyperhidrosis

Cause: Primary cause of Palmar Hyperhidrosis is unknown, but there are some surgeons that claim it is caused by sympathetic (haha sympathetic) over activity. Also, nervousness or excitement can intensify the clamminess.

Possible Treatments:

1. Aluminum Chloride- stuff used in deodorant
2. Botox- which you would have to get every 4-9 months
3. Oxybutynin- which is an anticholinergic drug (I had to look that up) that has side effects of drowsiness, visual symptoms and dryness of the mouth.
4. Lastly, you can just have those puppies removed, and by puppies I mean your sweat glands.

Other stuff: There are also cases were Palmar Hyperhidrosis can create devastating emotional effects on a persons life. Most affected people are constantly aware of their clamminess and try to avoid situations were they could possibly be embarrassed. They avoid touching objects and humans. Having a job in culinary would be difficult because they would run the risk of knives slipping out their hands. If they had a job that required a background check they would have a difficult time getting finger prints. They would have to constantly wipe things down if they worked in sales and they would find difficulty playing an instrument.

now, with knowing all that information, i began to double think this little moist problem of mine. (btw i hate to say the word moist, but typing it is not so bad) although it sounds horrible, there is definitely an upside to this. im in an elite group of people. about 2.8% of Americans are affected by Hyperhidrosis. that made me feel special. i began to feel a little better about it and embrace it. i’ll just try to avoid doors, people, fingerprint scanners, computers, cellphones, bottles, pens, animals, food, knives, faucets and humans.

peace

nikki

p.s. as i wrote this i dried my hands approximately 20 times.

True Life: I Have Anxiety and Panic Disorder

When I was 12 years old I was molested by a family friend. Since then I have dealt with a really bad case of anxiety. For years I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn’t understand what anxiety was and how it even happened to me. I thought I was dealing this typical teenage girl problems, you know the mood swings, attitudes and crying all the time. I didn’t know what triggered my anxiety or how to stop it. So for nearly 7 years I hid my problem. If I felt a panic attack coming I would hide anywhere to keep my secret, places like  the bathroom, my bedroom or even a closet. I would sit for minutes even close to an hour trying to calm myself down. Sometimes I would be successful, others I just fought through it until I cried myself to sleep.

I realize that this may sound very foreign and confusing to some people, especially those who have never experienced this personally. So, I will attempt to explain what a typical panic attack for me is like.

::: I am sitting in church, not really paying attention to what is going on. My body is there but my mind is in a very dark and cloudy place. I’m thinking about my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Someone who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. As I am thinking about the way the breakup happened, over the phone, my mind begins to run. Faster and harder. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute. My hands are sweaty and shaky. The pit of my stomach has tied itself into multiple knots. My body burns with heat. My breathing is now uncontrollable. I hold my chest is tight and I am gasping for air. I feel like I am being strangled by someone unseen. Fearing that I will die I begin to sob. Sobbing turns into hysterical crying. I immediately get up from my seat and run outside. Screaming with pain and fear. I kneel down to calm myself. I hold my arms close, rocking myself until I  am at peace. :::

During my undergraduate years I can remember learning to control my anxiety before they turned into a panic attack. There were some moments where I slipped and things became a little difficult to handle but for the most part I was doing really well. I will say that the use of recreational drugs (marijuana), along with other forms of therapy (non-medicinal), significantly helped with my anxiety. By no means am I advising others who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder to use that method, I’m just saying what worked for me. Also, you are probably wondering why I never  took prescribed medication.  I am the type of person that does a lot of research and I wasn’t conformable with the side effects that some people were experiencing from these prescribed medications. So, I took the holistic route. This method of treatment  obviously ended once I graduated college.  After college, while in AmeriCorps NCCC, I can specifically remember having one very bad panic attack. This was earlier on in my service year when a very close family friend of mine passed away. Thankfully I had a tremendous amount of support from my AmeriCorps NCCC team and I was able to go to them when I felt my anxiety coming back. Another thing that helped with my anxiety was exercising. Anytime I felt my anxiety getting bad I would immediately go for a walk or run. This activity allowed me to clear my head and level myself.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am writing about this now. A few weeks ago I noticed that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than normal. Initially I thought it was post vacation blues. Then when the anxiety occurred daily I became a lot more concerned about it. To be honest I did have a lot on my mental plate. I was dealing with a little heartbreak, worried about my professional future and I was dealing with some major issues with my birth father. Unfortunately, my anxiety got the best of me and I had a really rough two weeks.  I have had five panic attacks in the past two weeks. Last Thursday I cried for my entire 40 minute subway ride to work and  all day at work. That is when I realized that I needed to address this problem head on and stop denying it.

I choose to hide my anxiety and panic disorder because it makes me feel weak, alone and like no one understands me. I also feel like I’m never going to get better. I fear that this will interfere with every aspect of my life from professional to personal. However, after seeing a counselor about what was going on it was evident that I deal with this.

So here I am dealing with it.

Living Up to Your Parents Expectations

My mom and I in 2007

Often times parents raise their children so that they can be better than they were and have a better life. We as children don't have the opportunity to choose our parents or even decide how we will be raised. As a child my mom would always warn me to do better than she did and not make the same mistakes.

Hearing that so often made me feel as if whatever I was doing wasn't good enough. I got good grades in school but did she want great? l worked several jobs but should there have been more? I helped With my sisters but was I not good role model? Those were the thoughts I had as a kid. Not so much my thoughts now, Now, I try my hardest to give my sisters advice that they can use and learn from my experiences. Usually they don't listen but i still try,

My mom was a single parent of four girls and started having children at a very young age. That is something I will always respect her for, because to this day I have no clue how she put up with me and my sisters. As the oldest sister I had a lot of responsibility and many times I felt that I wouldn't live up to the standards that she had for me. Most times I would get "The Talk" from my mom I would sit and think, "How in the world am I going to keep up with all these thing?" In the same mindset I would try to figure out how I can live up to my own expectations. At one point I just gave in and forgot about what I wanted in life.

Now, as an adult I still wonder if I am living up to my mothers expectations. Although I have never asked her what she expects from me, I wonder if I am where she dreamed of. I make it a point to keep in mind if my mom would be happy with decisions that I make. I'm not saying that I have never done anything that will make her unhappy but I still think about how she will feel.

I find it very difficult to balance pleasing your parents and pleasing yourself. I find it even harder to choose between the two. Now, in my life I am learning to choose my happiness over others, even my parents. It's not that I don't want to please my mother it's just that I know if I am not happy within myself I can be happy for others around me. Everything that I do has to be for the benefit for me and the life that I live. The life that I am not only living for myself but also my future family.

Living up to your parents expectations can be scary but I believe it takes a strong person to stand up those expectations when they don't fit into their life. If a parents respects their child and the growth that they will experience they will respect that resistance and support them.

One thing that I love abut my mom is that she has always supported me, even when she didn't agree with that my decision was. We don't always agree but we always make a way to understand where each other is coming from. 

Holy Cow, I'm Getting Married!!

Last September my life flipped upside down. Not in a bad way, but it definitely flipped. My boyfriend of a year and some change asked me to be his forever. Cliché I know but I like that mushy stuff. What surprised me the most, next to the actual proposal, was my reaction to the proposal. I laughed, a very awkward laugh. I always imagined that when that moment would happen in my life I would be crying so hard that snot would be running out my nose. However, my mind found comfort in laughter. I remember that night so clear, but I won't go into full detail now click the video here to hear the entire story:

I still laugh when I think about it. If you are a normal person you would be asking yourself,  "What in the world was so funny?" The proposal itself was beautiful,  well planned and executed. my laughter came from within myself.

Just two years before this all happened I was living in DC getting stood up by guys I met on OK Cupid (if you don't know what that is that's actually better for you). I had gotten to a point where marriage wasn't even a question. On top of all that months before I met my now fiancé I was heartbroken over a guy I was madly in live with and who could give two sticks about my feelings. So, to see myself in a relationship with a man that loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me was just too much to handle. Don't get me wrong I knew then and still know now that I am the shit.  I had a lot going for myself and a lot to offer an man that would want to pursue me. After years of searching, crying and wondering what was I doing wrong I realized that I wasn't the problem. The men ( or boys) that I dealt with were the problem.  I was also trying to rush something that God wasn't ready to give me yet. Then, one day I met this tall, chocolate, quiet, Haitian man and everything changed. Everything that I was looking for in DC was right here in NY waiting for me.

Here we are almost two years later and I'm getting married. Something I had confirmed within myself that would never happen is happening in two months. I am excited to say the least and can't wait for the day to come. In two months I will be a married woman. Yeah, still not used to saying that yet.

I will keep you guys updated on what's happening and my journey to marriage. I hope you guys are ready for this ride because it will be a wild one!

Peace and Blessings

Dominique 

#DearMe / Advice to My Younger Self

Dear Teenage Dominique:

Me in 2006

You are probably sitting in your room thinking that life sucks. You work very hard to keep good grades in school. You spend long hours at a job that you somewhat like but you go anyway because you know that your family could use the extra money. You are internally dealing with a secret that you have been living with for years and don't know how to deal with it. You are probably wondering what your future is going to be like and will happiness ever find you.

Well, I have good news for you. Everything will turn out just fine. You will graduate high school and start college in the same year. You will make a ton of friends, some even lifelong, in college and will get to experience a normal young adult life. You will develop a strong sense of self worth, love and appreciation. You will make major decisions that will effect your life in the long run. You will travel the world, learn different cultures and languages. Everything you desire to happen in your life will happen and beyond what you could imagine.

So while you are worrying just know that with your faith and what God has in store for you everything will be possible. Just continue to believe in yourself and be sure to never stop just because someone else said that you couldn't do it.

Love always,

Future Dominique
xoxo

15 Ways to Get to Know Me Better

1) What do you think you can do but can’t? 

I really think I can dance like a professional dancer. Like in my head I can dance like Ciara, Chris Brown, MJ and even Beyonce. (Btw, that list was not in any particular order.) 

2) What’s a difficult word for you to pronounce? 

Umm, that's a fairly hard question being that I studied the English language, however if I had to chose it would be the word "ask". Sometimes I pronounce it like the word "ax". 

3) What are your favorite TV shows from your childhood?

Definitely I Love Lucy! I watched it all the time with my grandmother and has always been one of my favorite memories as a child. 

4) What are your virtues and vices?

Wow, this is getting deep. 

Virtues: Curiosity, Daring and Acceptance 

Vices: Fearfulness, Idleness and Liars 

5) What’s more important: love, fame, power, or money?

Love has always and will always be the most important. Without love, true love that is none of those other things will matter. 

6) If you could live in any era/time period, when would it be and why?

I would probably choose 70's. Mainly because I just love the flower power movement. 

7) If you had to redo your entire wardrobe with 2 stores, what would they be and why?

Haha, being that I don't shop that often and when I do it is mainly from two stores this is easy. Forever 21 and Old Navy. Both simple, affordable and accessible. 

8) Can you recall what you were doing a year ago on this day?

I can't even recall what I was doing yesterday. But If I think really hard, I would say at a job that I hated and probably job hunting. 

9) Do you have reoccurring dreams? If so, explain?

I have several but my most vivid one is one where I cam being held captive in this basement. I have no clothes on and I can tell that I have either been drugged or abused in some way. The room is always dark and smells of water and garbage. I never see or hear other people but I know they are there. For years I never escaped that dark room, however last year I had a dream that I escaped. Once that happened I didn't stay sleep long enough to know what happened next. I have yet to have that dream again.

10) What’s your horoscope?

I'm a Taurus. All I know about them is that they are stubborn, loving and hard workers. Other than that I know nothing about horoscopes. 

11) What does your dream bedroom look like?

OMG!! I love this question. Definitely, big bed with plush comforters and pillows. All white linen that is soft to the skin. I also want a bed that is huge, like so huge you can fit maybe 5-10 people on it. 

12) What position do you sleep in?

I start on my stomach and alternate between my sides and fetal. My stomach is the most comfortable though. 

13) What are your all time favorite films?

Love Jones, Lion King and anything Rom Com ish 

 14) What makeup are you currently wearing? 

None! Bare facing it! 

 15) Do you have neat handwriting? Show us! 

Sometimes, but it depends on how lazy I am. 

What is Becoming Woman?? New Blog

Hey!!

So I started a new blog! I'm so excited about it and what is in store.

I decided that I was outgrowing my Nappy Nikki blog (If you are not aware here is the link www.nappynikki.com). I needed something that would grow with me during the many changes that are going on in my life.

• I finished my Masters in Publishing! 
• I got engaged and will be a married woman very soon. Like very soon! 
• I moved from Brooklyn out to the suburbs and in a town that is 100% Jewish.
• I got a new job, pretty much my dream job in publishing.
• Lastly, I am in this odd process of making new friends in a new area and balancing my existing friendships. 

To some people these things may not seem difficult to manage. However, I tend to be a bit hard on myself and forget to take my time and focus more. I always have it in my mind that I have to be perfect and the best at everything. This time around things will be different. Instead of applying unnecessary pressure to myself I will focus on being the be me I can be. I will focus on becoming the woman God wants me to be and the woman that only I can compete with.

I welcome everyone to join in on the discussions by leaving your comments and questions under each post. I am open to advice and words of encouragement.

For this new blog I also want to develop consistency. There will be two blog posts every week. One on Sunday and the other Wednesday both releasing at noon EST.

I want to thank everyone for your continued support. This is the beginning of something great. I can feel it, I believe it and I know it will flourish!

Peace and Blessings

Dominique