12 and Pregnant

Recently I read an article in the Huffington Post entitled, New Mexico Bill Would Criminalize Abortions After Rape As 'Tampering With Evidence'. Upon continuing to reading the post my initial thought was rage. So to educate myself I continued to read the article, which states, "Tampering with evidence shall include procuring or facilitating an abortion, or compelling or coercing another to obtain an abortion, of a fetus that is the result of criminal sexual penetration or incest with the intent to destroy evidence of the crime..."

After reading the entire article I felt that I had to express my views on this topic. This not because I am a concerned US citizen, a crying parent, an angry politician or bible belt wearing saint. I am writing this because I am one of those women this law talks about. Thirteen years ago I was a victim of sexual assault and rape. I was the daughter, granddaughter, sister, and friend that was bound by the disgusting mind of a child molester. So unlike this person who proposed for this bill to be passed, I have a say and I'm saying it.

Just as a full warning, I am very comfortable with discussing what happened to me. I am in no way ashamed nor embarrassed to share my story. It took me 6 years before I ever spoke a word to anyone about what happened to me. I won't be silent now.

I have written several essays about my experience, and each time I discover a new emotion behind it. Some days there's anger and rage, others there is pity and sorrow. I used to reserve these emotions for myself but for the past few years they have been directed at my abuser. It took a great deal of time but I have forgiven that person. Not because I thought they deserved it but because I couldn't go on with my life and forgive myself if I hadn't. I have always been raised in a family were forgiveness was an essential part of life, no matter the crime. However, I have learned that forgiving is much easier than forgetting.

The human brain has to be one of my favorite organs. I can admit that the heart is just as beautiful. But without our brains we are nothing. One thing in particular about the brain that amazes me is its ability to store memory. The hippocampus pronounced [hip-uh-kam-puh s], located in the temporal lobes, is essential for memory function, particularly the transference from short-term to long-term memory and control of spatial memory and behavior. The amygdala pronounced [uh-mig-duh-lee], serves its primary role in the processing and memory or emotional reactions and social and sexual behavior. Don't worry this won't be a lecture on the human brain, I'm just simply trying to get you to understand the connection here. Reading that article triggered those functions in my brain. I immediately thought of 12-year-old me and the emotions that I felt. As a reaction to that thought I thought of what my life would have been like if I had been a 12-year-old pregnant by a someone I considered family.

If a law such as this one existed when I was 12 years old, I could be a mother of a 13-year-old right now. Actually, just the thought of that being a possibility is laughable to me. The fact that anyone would consider forcing an innocent child or person to birth a baby out of rape is beyond insane.  Rape is not just a physical act, but that person is forever mentally damaged. Every time that I come within an inch of have having sexual intercourse my mind reverts back to that torturous summer. Back to feeling dirty hands touching parts of my body my mother told me were sacred. Back to evil stares and false I love you's. Back to dark cold night of hands 5 times the size as mine running up my legs and in between my thighs. Back to feeling a penis ripping my tiny flesh apart. Back to fearing tomorrow. The day where he would continue to  take what was rightfully mine. Back to my 12 year self conjuring up lies to keep him away. Back to hot breath and heavy weight pressing on my tiny skin. Back to pain.

Thankfully when those thoughts begin to race through my mind I know that I am now free. I don't have to worry about carrying some bastard child or think of a lie to keep him away from me because I am sore from the previous night. I am choosing who I give myself to. I know that I have control over my body and what happens to it. I'm not that scared and weak 12-year-old girl anymore. I am a woman who is in control of her own body and who chooses what gets to grow inside of it.

So to that politician that decided to present that bill, I want her to go to the 207,754 people who are sexually assaulted every 2 minutes and tell them to birth the child that will bring them nothing but pain, agony and sorrow. I want her to sit and listen to what starts to pour from their temporal lobes.

i don't enjoy video games, so why would i play yours

Remember that guy Dude? The one I met a month before I moved to NYC and the one who disappeared for a month. Well, it seems as if he might have to take an L, that’s a loss to those of you not hip. I know your probably wondering, “Why, what happened?” But as expected he has dropped the ball once again.

To give a little background, the last time I saw him was last Monday and since we both work in Manhattan I decided to make an effort and see him while we were both in the city at once. It wasn’t anything special just a short casual visit. As I was getting ready to leave he says that he wants to take me out to dinner over the weekend. I don’t show it then but I get excited saying to myself, “Finally, this nigga is stepping up.” Needless to say the weekend came and it went and I had no dinner, call or text. I believe it was Sunday night that I actually spoke to him. I had two missed calls from him 12:30 am and 2:17 am, so I guess I should say Monday morning. I returned the phone call because what could be so important for you to call me at 2:17 in the damn morning. As it turns out, wasn’t shit important. I asked what happened to the dinner plans and all he said was, “I’ll tell you in person”. In person? What the fuck is that about? Then he goes on and on to make promises about shit that he know wont happen. I proceed to reply to each statement with an “Uh huh.” or a “Sure.”

I have never been the type to make a big deal out of small things. Mainly because I hate drama and the only piece of drama that allow to enter my life are reality shows. I also can normally be more patient than the average person but there are times when I reach my limit of acceptable bullshit. So, unfortunately I have to let this one go and get his shit together. I have been patient enough, kind enough and needless to say a very understanding woman about this whole thing. I don’t believe in kicking a person while they’re down so I will just quietly leave this situation while it is still in a somewhat good place.

Now, I have decided that instead of thinking of the worst possible scenario like…maybe he dropped his phone on a subway track. Or maybe he was pushed on a subway track. Maybe he is married and forgot to tell me. Maybe he wasn’t sure that I was sure that he was sure that he wanted to date me. Maybe the one time we had sex was too amazing for him to handle for a second time. Maybe he didn’t like that I don’t eat animals. Maybe he was waiting for the perfect time to cancel on me for the second time. Or maybe he just couldn’t stand to be happy….oh what the hell, I will think the worst possible thing. It would be ass backwards if I don’t.

I will however take a lesson, several lessons, away from this entire situation. They are as follows:

1. If a guy tells you that his last girlfriend cheated on him but there is no way he is still pissed by it, don’t listen to him. He just said that so you can think that she didn’t take his balls when she left with his heart.


2. If a guy repeatedly cancels plans with you and then acts like those plans never existed, act like you forgot too.


3. If a guy calls you at 2:17 in the morning with some bullshit about why he stood you up, put the phone on speaker so that you and your girlfriends can laugh at his ass.


4. If a guy always calls you with the “I just woke up voice” pretend as if you dropped acid right before he called.


5. If a guy insists that he forgot your last name even though your name and number are both saved in his phone, he probably is telling the truth because he’s an idiot.

Don’t misunderstand me people, I did like him. I also still find him very sexy. However, playing games and wasting my time is something I don’t appreciate or tolerate. I have always been a very vocal person and that will never change.

what your woman talks about when you're NOT around

WARNING: The following content may be offensive to some people. Read at your own risk.

The following is a small piece of a conversation between a group of girlfriends. I thought it would be interesting to show how women act when its just them and their girls. The conversation is very much real, but the names have been changed to respect everyone’s privacy.

Enjoy!

Erica:So u guys I swallowed last night!!

Olivia:OMG! How was it? I hope you put him on a diet prior to this.

Erica:It was not as bad as I thought!! No bad taste or anything!! U just have to do it real quick and no just spare of the moment

Olivia:lol yeah, i needs a vegetarian. cause i can’t fathom what meaty sperm must taste like.

Jessica: OMGizzle really? Lmao at meaty sperm Olivia

Erica: Yes Jessica it’s quite arousing

Tasha: Yall are crazy lol

Jessica:Oh ok well lol I have also done it like twice, it does make you feel sort of pornish but it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be

Tasha:Talking about all this swallowing and lusting after fine men and what have you lol

Erica: Lol!! Ok!! So as we all know I’m a freak!!

Olivia: Lol hey girl (Tasha) this single life can bring some interesting thangs. some you want and others you just gotta tell like it is.

Tasha: Im like 50/50 it depends on what mood im in….if i wanna drive his ass wild i would swallow

Erica: We were in bed watching TV and all of a sudden I got horny!! So we started with the normal making out…kissing and grinding!!! So off went the clothes!! Well we normally will do 69 but last night I wanted to please him because when I got off work the house was clean, he had ordered the food and paid for it all I had to do was pick it up!! So felt the need to show my appreciation with something new!! So the sex was so heated that I desired to have his dick in my mouth!!! So I gave him head!! I’m talking about made the nigga whine!! I sucked balls and even licked down by his asshole!! He was shaking well he keep saying about to nut!! Normally

I will catch it and spit but I was so caught up in the moment that I swallowed it!!

Then he ate my pussy like it was going out of style!! Next thing I know we were fucking up against the wall!! Shit was intense!!

All I know is that having sex with a man who used to be your husband is way more fun then when he was your husband.

Christina Yang

dreams, that just so happen to involve sex

WARNING: The following may make some people uncomfortable.

Over the past few weeks I have been having some pretty interesting dreams. I realize that to people who don’t know me personally could give a rats ass about how good or bad my dreams are. However, for those that do know me know that for years I have dealt with chronic nightmares. So to have a week of good dreams, dreams that involve sex, is something to be very excited about.

I like to believe that everyone, at some point in their life, has had a sex dream. They may not want to admit it, but it has happened and nine times out of ten they enjoyed it. The only problem is that they never want to talk about it. Like there is some shame in having dream sex. The first thing a woman or man does after a steamy night of earth shattering sex is tell their girlfriends or their homeboys. It’s just the way it is. You sit and talk over a beer, wine, or blunt and recount each detail as if you are reliving it all over again. For those of you that say you have never done this, you should try it. It is quite healthy and always makes for good conversation.

When the sex happens in a dream people are more afraid to share those dirty details. It is already a known fact that men wake up ever morning with a hard on, so it may be safe to say that most of those are attributed to a dream from the previous night. Women on the other hand are a little different.

I can’t remember my first sex dream or when I actually had it, but I do remember my feelings afterwards. It was just as surreal as reality. When you are dreaming and aware that it is a dream you have the opportunity to allow yourself to behave in ways that you normally wouldn’t. You don’t feel afraid because you know it’s between you and your subconscious. There is a freedom that your mind allows your body to have. As if the two are completely separate.

A few nights ago I had a dream about Dude, from the previous post, and it was surely a shocker. To keep it real, I will just tell you how I told him:

Me:I had a dream about you last night.

Dude: What was the dream about?

Me: We were in some building waiting for something. And for some reason I was really afraid.

Dude: Why?

Me: I don’t know but you kept saying that it would be OK.Then you started holding me and caressing my head. Then you kissed me, starting at my forehead then to my neck. Carefully taking off my clothes one piece after another. You followed and got undressed. After you got undressed, you started kissing me again. Kissing my chest, breast, back, tummy. I continue to rub your chest, kissing your neck. I remember your strong arms. Always liked your arms, they make me feel safe. You laid me on my back, taste me so sweetly, then proceed to enter me. Filling every inch of me as if there was no end.

I felt every single emotion and touch in this dream. I could imagine watching my self and the facial expressions that were being made. This dream was in essence the definition of ecstasy. This person had total control over my body. Now, don’t get it confused this wasn’t some crazy upside down, hands tied behind your back, insert out of Zane novel. This was passion, pleasure and submission all wrapped in a pretty pink bow. As some would say this dream gave me life!

I have learned to handle to cope with the many nightmares that I have had along the years. But this, this is something that I can definitely get used to.

Thank God all dreams ain’t bad.

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I know there’s some rule that you’re not supposed to talk about your boyfriend publicly just because it seems like all starlets under the age of 33 have decided not to do that, but if you’re in love with someone great, then I don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell everybody. You don’t have to post naked pictures of them on the internet or tweet pictures of your Christmas celebration, but I feel like, in a way, he’s my best advertisement, so I’m like, “Why would I not tell people who ask?” - Lena Dunham

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An elevator can be a very awkward space to be in. I mean for at least 30 seconds you are trapped in a tiny box with only one way in and one way out. Sometimes when I’m in an elevator with other people I’m confused as to how I should act. Are there certain rules to riding an elevator with a stranger? Should you speak or make eye contact? Should you press your own floor button or say, “Could you press 8 please? Thank you.” If you ride the elevator with someone more than once a day do you have to speak every time you see them? These are just a few questions that come to mind. Personally I never know what to do in an elevator with a stranger. I often look at my phone pretending to look for a number or text someone. Other times I just stare at numbers of each floor that we pass, praying that the other person doesn’t talk to me. It’s not that I don’t like people, but an elevator is a pretty small space to be in with someone you know nothing about. Or I envision recreating a steamy Grey’s Anatomy elevator make out session with a Dr. Avery look a like. However, when I am alone in an elevator I tend to sing or dance or both. I take it as an opportunity to do something incredibly stupid and that will only live within the four small walls of that elevator.

until there's a ring on it

Sometimes you have to just roll with the punches and see how things will turn out.

It is a known fact that I am a single female living in NYC and eagerly awaiting for my prince charming to come in a sweep me off my feet. It is also a known fact that the McDreamy’s and McSteamy’s aren’t flooding the streets. So instead of waiting for that part of my life to begin I will continue to have the fun that I am obligated to have.

I currently have two men in my life that I would without a doubt consider potential boyfriends. I have been friends with the first guy for about 6 years.  I will call him Guy. We met during my college years and immediately clicked. We have a pretty interesting history and have definitely been there for each other during some crazy times. For about a  year we lost touch but for the past year we have been talking more and getting our friendship back to where it used to be. Now this all sounds happy and magical but I failed to mention that he lives 3500 miles away from me. Yes, 3500 and it will be that way for a few years. I have always cared very deeply for Guy, but our timing has never been perfect. Plus, we are such great friends that I don’t even think labeling our friendship or forcing it into something that it’s not is the best idea.

The second guy is the new kid on the block. I like to call him “dude”. I met Dude a month before I moved to NY. He is absolutely everything that I am looking for in a man. He is very tall, buff, funny, responsible, handsome, smart and a very hard worker. He is also the sweetest thing ever. We talked on the phone for about a month before our first date and after meeting him on our first date I liked him even more. Since then we talked everyday and hung out quite often. That was until the day before Thanksgiving. We were scheduled to go out on a date. A date that I planned and made reservations for. We talked two days prior and everything was ok and still in check. However, when the time came for us to go out he was a no show. Not a call, text or even a fucking smoke signal. For days and at least two weeks I tried to contact him. I honestly didn’t know what to think. Was he not interested? Did he die? What? So after two weeks and I didn’t hear from him I gave up. I took it as a lost. Now it is a little over a month later and he suddenly pops back up and we are back at square one. (I would go into full detail about what happened with him for that month but that’s too much for right now, but it obviously wasn’t anything that made me no longer interested.) I was really feeling him before so why not see where are friendship goes. The point is that now we are starting over, which in some aspects is bitter sweet for me. But it only makes sense.

Besides those two there are other random men that I meet on a daily basis, people on the street, in the gym, and at functions; but none of them are anything special.

Some people would consider the above information a bit scandalous. Fortunately, I believe that myself and women alike have every right to be that way. If a woman doesn’t have a boyfriend or husband then they have every right to weigh there options and make a wise choice on who would be the better mate for them. There is nothing than being in relationship with one person and thinking about what could have been or should have been with someone else. Now I’m not saying that I am making sexy time with more than one guy at one time, although the NY guy and I have had sex once and I most certainly wouldn’t mind a replay.

But like I said, until there’s a ring on it I am just going with the flow.

Everyone can learn a litle something from "Girls"!

Everyone can learn a litle something from "Girls"!

There ain’t no use being hot as fish grease, she seems to understand, if someone else wields the spatula and holds the keys to the cash register.

Amy Wallace, GQ correspondent

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hot chocolate daddy’s

as i sit and think about all the beautiful handsome men that come across my path daily, whether it be on the streets of new york or through this wonderful thing call the internet, I am mesmerized by some in particular. im talking about the hot chocolate daddy’s of the world, also known as HCD. i can’t think of any other race that provides such variety when it comes to men better than the african american race. i mean they come in all different flavors and sometimes it’s just too hard to choose.

a little background of where HCD came from, my girlfriend N (didn’t ask if I could use her name) actually introduced me to this amazing acronym a little wile ago. i was already an admirer of the 43 flavors of men that God so graciously blessed me with. but this was a fun new way to nicely admire or point them out. so from now on wen im out with my girlfriends, or alone, and see a nice scoop of black walnut, double chocolate fudge, or my personal favorite chocolate and peanut butter i quietly whisper HCD into the atmosphere.

dont get me wrong people, i thoroughly enjoy a scoop of butter pecan every now and then.

new year better me

i usually try not to blog about things that are really personal to me. not because i am ashamed of what others may think but merely because i dont want to jinx them. i have had many blessings come my way. starting with moving to new york and starting living my dream of a publishing student. i never would have thought in a million years that i would actually be on the path to something that i believe i was destined to do. i realize that i have a long way to go and a lot more learning to do, but the point is that it’s been started. my seed is planted. my dream began with just a leap of faith. since being in new york for the past 4 months i have been able to put a cute little roof over my head, plenty of food in my belly and everything thing else that i need to take care of me. i honestly believe that when you have faith and be patient, blessings will flow. im not saying that i dont have my struggles, cause i do, but i float right on through and keep kicking. its the only thing i know how to do. so this year i want to make it a point to do several things a tad bit differently.

1. blog more, and more personal things


2. travel, no matter where, just travel


3. become more positive on the things that i cannot control


4. fall in love again. not necessarily with a person but with writing or a new hobby


5. make a vision board and follow it


6. avoid people who bring bad ju ju to my life


7. call, not text, to my sisters more often


8. go to a lot of concerts


9. dance every single day


10. learn to LOVE the woman i am becoming

im turning 25 this year and i have a lot of things in my life that i want to do. i dont want to look back at this year and feel bad about the things i never did. im going embrace each day knowing that im going to rock it. its my life. so who better to live it than me.

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nikkigoesglutenfree:

Best last night in 2013! These are the only pics I have cause I danced my night away! Happy New Year!! #2013