When I die what will people say about me? Was I kind? Loving? Selfless? Or will they say that I worried too much? That I didn't take enough time for the little things? Will there be anything to carry on my legacy? Will I die with an honorable name? Will people sit around and share stories about how we met? Will there be tears?
This is a question that often comes to my mind. A big part of my anxiety and panic disorder is my fear of death. It's not necessarily the act of dying that I fear, it's mostly life after me that I fear. How will my family be affected by it? What will my sisters do? If I die before my parents will they ever cope with the lost? Will I have done everything that I wanted to do before I left? It may seem premature to have these thoughts but its can really make the mind wonder.
I know that death is apart of life and we all will have to die one day but what happens when that comes too early. I am a believer that God never makes mistakes but sometimes its difficult to understand why he keeps certain people and allow others to die. For example, I was watching the news the other day about the recent Boston bombing attacks and they were covering the story of the young university police officer that was killed while on duty. The news station interviewed his family, asking questions about the young mans character and what type of person he was. The family told honorable stories about how he always wanted to be a police officer and how he was always a loving a nurturing person. Events like these surely can make the mind run. Did that young man ever ask himself the same question that I do to myself? Did they say what he had wished? Did he leave a legacy?
It's a scary thought knowing that when you die many will be left in pain and heartache. For me it's damn near terrifying. Every day I pray for safety for my family, friends and all around me. That no one is hurt and put in harm's way. But we can't always control the things around us. How do we handle unexpected death and protect those we love from it?
So, what do you think? What will the people you leave behind in the world say about you? Were you kind,loving and selfless. Did you do everything that you wanted to do? What will be your legacy?
Although these thoughts create fear in the heart and mind they also create drive. I feel the most determined when I think about the short amount of time that we have on this earth. It's so important to me to love those that are in my life and to make sure that I have the best that I can be. I never want to have what ifs and I wish I would've. I know life isn't perfect and that we can't control everything that happens within it. But if you had the chance to be a fly on the way at your funeral, would you take it?
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Letters to My Father: A Young Woman’s Journey to Finding Her Birth Father
These are letters that I wrote to my birth father, one right before graduating college and the other earlier this month, three years later. When writing the first letter I had every intention of mailing it off, but unfortunately I never had the courage to. I went through a lot trying to find my father before graduating, but back then I didn’t care. I had to know who he was. However, three years have passed and I do not feel that way anymore. I have grown into a woman who understands that what happened with him does not define my future. Therefore, the second letter is a reflection of how I feel about our "relationship" right now. Enjoy!
April 9, 2010
Dear Father,
All I know about you is your first and last name. No birthday, no family history, no school names, no favorite colors, no genetic diseases, no nicknames, not even a middle name. So if I was to try to look for you, it would be almost impossible to find out who you are. I knew nothing about who you were for a long time. I didn’t even know that you existed. It wasn’t until high school that I really began to wonder who you were, but at that time I didn’t really care to know who you were. I always thought that I would be better off not knowing. That was until I would see other teenage girls to have their fathers in their lives giving them boy advice and telling them the rules of dating. I didn’t have you to teach me how to fish, ride a bike, throw rocks, build things, take them apart, or to learn about cars. I’m not saying that since you weren’t there I never learned these things, but these are things that a father should teach his daughter. My mother did everything that she could to make up for what you didn't do. But the reality is that she is not a man and can never be one. I think that I would have been a wonderful daughter to you. I would come to you to tell you about my day, to ask you all sorts of questions about your work. I would have been the daughter to cherish her daddy and be proud of him, for the man that he was. I would have been the daughter to want any boy that I date to be just like you because I would know that I had the daddy who would love his daughter unconditionally. I would have been the daughter who would want you to give me away on my wedding day. I would be the daughter who needed your protection from all men.
In my freshman year of college, I told myself that I would find out who you were before my graduation day. I won’t look to you for money. I just want to meet you, to see who this other half of me is. I want to know where I got my lazy eye from. I want to know who is responsible for me having small fingers and toes. I want to know if you bit your nails when you were younger or if you still do. I want to know what you look like, if you look like what I imagined. Are you short and brown skin like me or are you tall and light-skinned? Do you walk the way I walk and talk the way I do? Are you a people person and love to be around a big crowd like me? Do you like to read and write? What was your favorite subject in school? Did you even like school? What were your goals in life? Did you want to have kids? Did you love my mother? Or even care about her? Did you know about me? Did you ever think about me or did you want to find me? Have you been watching me from a distance all these years? Do I have any other siblings? Or a step mother? If so, what are they like? Do they look like me?
I have spent all fours years of my college life trying to find you. Calling many homes with the only information that I knew about you and having no success in my search. Asking around with people who I thought may know who you are and where you were. Many told lies and didn’t say much about you. It was if you never existed. I remember giving up in my sophomore year because I would get so tired of finding dead ends. Then after I came back from studying abroad in South Korea, I figured I could try again. I remember calling houses and people's jobs explaining who I was and what I was trying to do. One lady even got mad at me for asking about the wrong person. I just knew that I was going to meet the man who blood ran deep in my veins. I have since then been unsuccessful with finding out who you are. I still only know two pieces of information about you, which is your first and last name. I don’t know your birthday, your favorite color, your family history or even your middle name. So if I continue to look for you it would be almost impossible for me to succeed. If I ever get the chance to meet you and tell you anything it would just be thank you. Thank you for showing me what a man and a father shouldn’t be like. I thank you for letting me experience hurt and pain. I thank you for abandoning me. It has made me much stronger than I ever would have been. Thank you for not being there when I didn’t want you there. Thank you for not being able to tell my secrets and to stop me from doing all the wrong things I did. Thank you for showing me how much you cared about me.
Dear Anthony Simpson,
It has been seven years since I began my journey to find you and seven long years it has been. In my previous letter I felt the need to please you and let you know that I was the perfect daughter. I felt that I owed it to you and myself. However, after much failure and frustration my feelings have severely changed. With no help from you I have graduated from Tougaloo College with honors. I served for 2 year in AmeriCorps, helping families and organizations around the country that were in need. I mentored to children, without parents, who needed a big sister and friend to turn to. I am currently studying for my Masters in Publishing and started my own website. I don’t have any children. I have never been in trouble with the law and a wonderful and supportive mother who has been there all the times you weren't.
A year ago I found out some less than flattering things about you. One in particular I’m sure that you are very aware of and that I won’t mention. Unfortunately I never learned if I had siblings, your favorite color, if you wanted children or if you even know who I am. I thought for a long time that not knowing you would have a negative effect on my life. I have now come to the realization that not knowing those details about your life has only made me stronger. It has taught me to be independent and self-assuring. To love myself even if no one else will. Yes, I have had some struggles in life but each and every time I have picked myself up and kept on living.
Anthony I want you to know that during all those years I only wanted one thing from you and that was recognition. I never wanted money or even five minutes of your time. I just wanted you to know that I have succeeded far beyond I can imagine. I am only 24 years old accomplished many things beyond what I could have ever dreamed with still many more years ahead of me. I have allowed your absence to severely affect my relationship with many people in my life. I spend so much time trying to get people to love me and accept me only because you never did. I always thought that my relationship with you, the back and forth of fighting for you to love me, was normal. That same behavior reflected into the rest of my life. I have experienced too much heartache because of your nonexistent love. So, I officially give up trying to find you. I no longer care about your middle name, your favorite food, if you have other children, or what you want to do with your life. I have lived this long without you and I intended on keeping it that way. I have been blessed beyond my means and I owe none of that credit to you.
Your daughter,
Dominique Ingram
April 9, 2010
Dear Father,
All I know about you is your first and last name. No birthday, no family history, no school names, no favorite colors, no genetic diseases, no nicknames, not even a middle name. So if I was to try to look for you, it would be almost impossible to find out who you are. I knew nothing about who you were for a long time. I didn’t even know that you existed. It wasn’t until high school that I really began to wonder who you were, but at that time I didn’t really care to know who you were. I always thought that I would be better off not knowing. That was until I would see other teenage girls to have their fathers in their lives giving them boy advice and telling them the rules of dating. I didn’t have you to teach me how to fish, ride a bike, throw rocks, build things, take them apart, or to learn about cars. I’m not saying that since you weren’t there I never learned these things, but these are things that a father should teach his daughter. My mother did everything that she could to make up for what you didn't do. But the reality is that she is not a man and can never be one. I think that I would have been a wonderful daughter to you. I would come to you to tell you about my day, to ask you all sorts of questions about your work. I would have been the daughter to cherish her daddy and be proud of him, for the man that he was. I would have been the daughter to want any boy that I date to be just like you because I would know that I had the daddy who would love his daughter unconditionally. I would have been the daughter who would want you to give me away on my wedding day. I would be the daughter who needed your protection from all men.
In my freshman year of college, I told myself that I would find out who you were before my graduation day. I won’t look to you for money. I just want to meet you, to see who this other half of me is. I want to know where I got my lazy eye from. I want to know who is responsible for me having small fingers and toes. I want to know if you bit your nails when you were younger or if you still do. I want to know what you look like, if you look like what I imagined. Are you short and brown skin like me or are you tall and light-skinned? Do you walk the way I walk and talk the way I do? Are you a people person and love to be around a big crowd like me? Do you like to read and write? What was your favorite subject in school? Did you even like school? What were your goals in life? Did you want to have kids? Did you love my mother? Or even care about her? Did you know about me? Did you ever think about me or did you want to find me? Have you been watching me from a distance all these years? Do I have any other siblings? Or a step mother? If so, what are they like? Do they look like me?
I have spent all fours years of my college life trying to find you. Calling many homes with the only information that I knew about you and having no success in my search. Asking around with people who I thought may know who you are and where you were. Many told lies and didn’t say much about you. It was if you never existed. I remember giving up in my sophomore year because I would get so tired of finding dead ends. Then after I came back from studying abroad in South Korea, I figured I could try again. I remember calling houses and people's jobs explaining who I was and what I was trying to do. One lady even got mad at me for asking about the wrong person. I just knew that I was going to meet the man who blood ran deep in my veins. I have since then been unsuccessful with finding out who you are. I still only know two pieces of information about you, which is your first and last name. I don’t know your birthday, your favorite color, your family history or even your middle name. So if I continue to look for you it would be almost impossible for me to succeed. If I ever get the chance to meet you and tell you anything it would just be thank you. Thank you for showing me what a man and a father shouldn’t be like. I thank you for letting me experience hurt and pain. I thank you for abandoning me. It has made me much stronger than I ever would have been. Thank you for not being there when I didn’t want you there. Thank you for not being able to tell my secrets and to stop me from doing all the wrong things I did. Thank you for showing me how much you cared about me.
Your daughter,
Dominique
Three years later...
April 13, 2013
Dear Anthony Simpson,
It has been seven years since I began my journey to find you and seven long years it has been. In my previous letter I felt the need to please you and let you know that I was the perfect daughter. I felt that I owed it to you and myself. However, after much failure and frustration my feelings have severely changed. With no help from you I have graduated from Tougaloo College with honors. I served for 2 year in AmeriCorps, helping families and organizations around the country that were in need. I mentored to children, without parents, who needed a big sister and friend to turn to. I am currently studying for my Masters in Publishing and started my own website. I don’t have any children. I have never been in trouble with the law and a wonderful and supportive mother who has been there all the times you weren't.
A year ago I found out some less than flattering things about you. One in particular I’m sure that you are very aware of and that I won’t mention. Unfortunately I never learned if I had siblings, your favorite color, if you wanted children or if you even know who I am. I thought for a long time that not knowing you would have a negative effect on my life. I have now come to the realization that not knowing those details about your life has only made me stronger. It has taught me to be independent and self-assuring. To love myself even if no one else will. Yes, I have had some struggles in life but each and every time I have picked myself up and kept on living.
Anthony I want you to know that during all those years I only wanted one thing from you and that was recognition. I never wanted money or even five minutes of your time. I just wanted you to know that I have succeeded far beyond I can imagine. I am only 24 years old accomplished many things beyond what I could have ever dreamed with still many more years ahead of me. I have allowed your absence to severely affect my relationship with many people in my life. I spend so much time trying to get people to love me and accept me only because you never did. I always thought that my relationship with you, the back and forth of fighting for you to love me, was normal. That same behavior reflected into the rest of my life. I have experienced too much heartache because of your nonexistent love. So, I officially give up trying to find you. I no longer care about your middle name, your favorite food, if you have other children, or what you want to do with your life. I have lived this long without you and I intended on keeping it that way. I have been blessed beyond my means and I owe none of that credit to you.
Your daughter,
Dominique Ingram
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
My Trip to the Museum of Natural History
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Hi everyone! I took a trip to the Museum of Natural History a few weeks ago and I forgot to post the photos. So, here you go! Hope you enjoy! If you want to see more on my trip there check out my vlog about it at NappyNikki Vlogs http://youtu.be/9kvxpBDAK1Y.
Hi everyone! I took a trip to the Museum of Natural History a few weeks ago and I forgot to post the photos. So, here you go! Hope you enjoy! If you want to see more on my trip there check out my vlog about it at NappyNikki Vlogs http://youtu.be/9kvxpBDAK1Y.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Why Does She Stay?
Every woman has been in a relationship with a guy that she should not be with. It may not be a relationship, even having a potential boyfriend around that shouldn't be there is toxic. Recently I have been dating/talking to several guys, guys I all like equally. Now, to be clear I have been single for over 3 years and I am now stable enough and ready to be in a relationship. So while dating I am looking to date someone with the same intentions. Unfortunately, not everyone I am seeing is on the same page as me and I haven't gotten rid of those that aren't. It is also sad to say that I am not the only woman in this position.
Every last guy that I am currently talking to at the moment is not only emotionally unavailable but they aren't even looking to be in a relationship. So of course you are wondering, "Why in the hell are you still dating/talking to them?" I can honestly say for two of them we have been friends for years and I would feel terrible if I just cut either one of them out of my life just because we can't be together. Having love for someone doesn't equal to being in love with them. However, that doesn't mean that deep in the back of my fairytale mind I haven't thought of the possibility of me spending my life with one of them. I thankfully know that this will never happen. It sounds terrible but its very true. The other guy, a newer dude I met since living in NYC, has recently let me know that he is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Now, we have been going back and forth for months with our "relationship" and it's starting to get annoying. We always have a good time when we hang out, we get along very well and have great chemistry. But again, if I want to be in a relationship and he doesn't at the moment, why am I still seeing him? I have no freaking clue! Which is why I am writing this. I really need a white board to be able to sort out all my thoughts and weigh my pros and cons.
Note: I started writing this post last week and the guy that I talk about in the above paragraph is no longer in my life. He has once again gone ghost. Three strikes and this guy is definitely OUT!
Whenever I think about situations like this I always wonder if I am the only woman who questions why she stays. Over the years I have had plenty of late night conversations with girlfriends on this much heated topic. We sit and talk about the shitty things that these worthless men we allow in our lives do but we never ever do anything about it. We never demanded that they do more and be better toward us. We never keep our so-called standards and make sure that we settle for less. We allow ourselves to bend and break just to have a taste of what we think happiness is. This baffles me. Why do we as women allow this? What makes these men so deserving of our time? Is it stupidity? Is it loneliness? Denial? Do we enjoy the drama? Perhaps we think we can change them. Whatever the reason we must do better.
I always find it difficult to cut someone out of my life. No matter what the person has done, I still find a small place in my heart to forgive and keep them around. However, I have recently learned that I can't allow for this same behavior to continue. Forgiving doesn't always mean you have to forget, nor does it mean you have to allow them to make the same mistakes again. It doesn't mean that I don't forgive them just the same, it just means that I have to be more aware of how it affects me.
Now that I have come to these personal realizations I can only hope that other women can do the same.
Every last guy that I am currently talking to at the moment is not only emotionally unavailable but they aren't even looking to be in a relationship. So of course you are wondering, "Why in the hell are you still dating/talking to them?" I can honestly say for two of them we have been friends for years and I would feel terrible if I just cut either one of them out of my life just because we can't be together. Having love for someone doesn't equal to being in love with them. However, that doesn't mean that deep in the back of my fairytale mind I haven't thought of the possibility of me spending my life with one of them. I thankfully know that this will never happen. It sounds terrible but its very true. The other guy, a newer dude I met since living in NYC, has recently let me know that he is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Now, we have been going back and forth for months with our "relationship" and it's starting to get annoying. We always have a good time when we hang out, we get along very well and have great chemistry. But again, if I want to be in a relationship and he doesn't at the moment, why am I still seeing him? I have no freaking clue! Which is why I am writing this. I really need a white board to be able to sort out all my thoughts and weigh my pros and cons.
Note: I started writing this post last week and the guy that I talk about in the above paragraph is no longer in my life. He has once again gone ghost. Three strikes and this guy is definitely OUT!
Whenever I think about situations like this I always wonder if I am the only woman who questions why she stays. Over the years I have had plenty of late night conversations with girlfriends on this much heated topic. We sit and talk about the shitty things that these worthless men we allow in our lives do but we never ever do anything about it. We never demanded that they do more and be better toward us. We never keep our so-called standards and make sure that we settle for less. We allow ourselves to bend and break just to have a taste of what we think happiness is. This baffles me. Why do we as women allow this? What makes these men so deserving of our time? Is it stupidity? Is it loneliness? Denial? Do we enjoy the drama? Perhaps we think we can change them. Whatever the reason we must do better.
I always find it difficult to cut someone out of my life. No matter what the person has done, I still find a small place in my heart to forgive and keep them around. However, I have recently learned that I can't allow for this same behavior to continue. Forgiving doesn't always mean you have to forget, nor does it mean you have to allow them to make the same mistakes again. It doesn't mean that I don't forgive them just the same, it just means that I have to be more aware of how it affects me.
Now that I have come to these personal realizations I can only hope that other women can do the same.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Kickin' Butt in South Korea
Sometimes when I'm daydreaming, I think about South Korea. There are moments when I can smell the air. I can smell the morning scent of hot water and bleach from the old ladies that cleaned the dorm I stayed in. I can smell the morning breakfast of fried SPAM and eggs. I can see myself walking to the restaurant, that’s what they called the cafeteria, getting my very own personal slice. Sometimes I can smell the lunch food. Like the smell of blackened squid and five-year old kimchi. The scent of kimchi alone is already horrid, but adding five years of stank doesn’t help at all.
The food isn’t the only thing that comes back to me.
It’s the end of April, almost May, the sun is out and the birds are chirping. Students are out on their bikes and hanging outside in the courtyards. The Spring Festival is approaching, which is a week-long celebration for the college kids who have just turned the legal drinking age, which in South Korea is 18 years old. (Thinking back on it I'm not quite sure if that what the actually celebration was about. But that sure is what they told me.) The school shuts down the north end of the campus and sets it up like a huge carnival. There are tents with food, games, yard sales, art sales, and a concert. I am walking down the long strip and I can smell the very delicious street cart food. Yummy treats on sticks, in bowls and even ones you can eat in one swallow. I can taste the cotton candy and the smoked Korean bar be que. The trees and street lights are filled with traditional colorful lanterns. Each tent has its own personal sign to display what they are selling. Not one inch of this half mile strip is naked, everything is covered.
One of my professors took the whole class to the festival, instead of staying in class. As we journeyed from the south to north end of the campus, they asked me inquisitive questions of my life back at home. We walked directly to the arts section of the festival, where the tables were filled with handmade journals and scrap books. Most of the things were for sale. One booth that we looked at was a huge cut out picture of different cartoon characters. The strange thing about the board was that there were large nails coming out the front of the board. So people would walk by and pay money to throw water balloons at anyone who chose to stand behind the nail infested board.
This spring festival was nothing like what the spring festival at my school in Mississippi was like, this is much more. This is not real, I thought to myself. I began to drift in and out of my journey, but to stay and relive this amazing place I close my eyes and begin to wonder again.
The next day...
As I’m walking out my dorm after a long day of classes, back to this excuse for excessive drinking. The sun is blazing and I am in the mood for some fun. When I see this sign that says, “FIGHT for 1 WON!!” I immediately run straight to that table and sign up. First, I get to pick my victim. It’s difficult for me to choose, because they all look like they can fight, I mean they are Korean and most Koreans take Tea Kwon Do. So I go for the one that tries to hide and choose him as my prey. I get suited up and pumped up ready for my fight. Keep in mind that I have never gotten into a fight in my life before, so I have no idea what I am about to do. As the bell rings and the crowd began to thicken, I prepare for what is mostly likely to be the most exciting thing at this festival. Bouncing around my target, I begin to go straight for the blow. Yes!, right in the ribs. This feels good, releasing all my stress and tension from class I swing again and hit him right in the shoulder. I really want to get to his face but it’s being protected by this big rubber face mask. At this point I am exhausted! I try to get him one more time and miss, so I call it quits. As my fight begins to dwindle down, I notice that my professors and the President of the school standing right behind me.
That day at the spring festival was one of my most favorite memories in Korea.I mean, how many people can say they kicked a Koreans butt.
The food isn’t the only thing that comes back to me.
It’s the end of April, almost May, the sun is out and the birds are chirping. Students are out on their bikes and hanging outside in the courtyards. The Spring Festival is approaching, which is a week-long celebration for the college kids who have just turned the legal drinking age, which in South Korea is 18 years old. (Thinking back on it I'm not quite sure if that what the actually celebration was about. But that sure is what they told me.) The school shuts down the north end of the campus and sets it up like a huge carnival. There are tents with food, games, yard sales, art sales, and a concert. I am walking down the long strip and I can smell the very delicious street cart food. Yummy treats on sticks, in bowls and even ones you can eat in one swallow. I can taste the cotton candy and the smoked Korean bar be que. The trees and street lights are filled with traditional colorful lanterns. Each tent has its own personal sign to display what they are selling. Not one inch of this half mile strip is naked, everything is covered.
One of my professors took the whole class to the festival, instead of staying in class. As we journeyed from the south to north end of the campus, they asked me inquisitive questions of my life back at home. We walked directly to the arts section of the festival, where the tables were filled with handmade journals and scrap books. Most of the things were for sale. One booth that we looked at was a huge cut out picture of different cartoon characters. The strange thing about the board was that there were large nails coming out the front of the board. So people would walk by and pay money to throw water balloons at anyone who chose to stand behind the nail infested board.
This spring festival was nothing like what the spring festival at my school in Mississippi was like, this is much more. This is not real, I thought to myself. I began to drift in and out of my journey, but to stay and relive this amazing place I close my eyes and begin to wonder again.
The next day...
As I’m walking out my dorm after a long day of classes, back to this excuse for excessive drinking. The sun is blazing and I am in the mood for some fun. When I see this sign that says, “FIGHT for 1 WON!!” I immediately run straight to that table and sign up. First, I get to pick my victim. It’s difficult for me to choose, because they all look like they can fight, I mean they are Korean and most Koreans take Tea Kwon Do. So I go for the one that tries to hide and choose him as my prey. I get suited up and pumped up ready for my fight. Keep in mind that I have never gotten into a fight in my life before, so I have no idea what I am about to do. As the bell rings and the crowd began to thicken, I prepare for what is mostly likely to be the most exciting thing at this festival. Bouncing around my target, I begin to go straight for the blow. Yes!, right in the ribs. This feels good, releasing all my stress and tension from class I swing again and hit him right in the shoulder. I really want to get to his face but it’s being protected by this big rubber face mask. At this point I am exhausted! I try to get him one more time and miss, so I call it quits. As my fight begins to dwindle down, I notice that my professors and the President of the school standing right behind me.
That day at the spring festival was one of my most favorite memories in Korea.I mean, how many people can say they kicked a Koreans butt.
Monday, April 8, 2013
True Life: I Have Anxiety and Panic Disorder
When I was 12 years old I was molested by a family friend. Since then I have dealt with a really bad case of anxiety. For years I didn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn't understand what anxiety was and how it even happened to me. I thought I was dealing this typical teenage girl problems, you know the mood swings, attitudes and crying all the time. I didn't know what triggered my anxiety or how to stop it. So for nearly 7 years I hid my problem. If I felt a panic attack coming I would hide anywhere to keep my secret, places like the bathroom, my bedroom or even a closet. I would sit for minutes even close to an hour trying to calm myself down. Sometimes I would be successful, others I just fought through it until I cried myself to sleep.I realize that this may sound very foreign and confusing to some people, especially those who have never experienced this personally. So, I will attempt to explain what a typical panic attack for me is like.
::: I am sitting in church, not really paying attention to what is going on. My body is there but my mind is in a very dark and cloudy place. I'm thinking about my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Someone who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. As I am thinking about the way the breakup happened, over the phone, my mind begins to run. Faster and harder. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute. My hands are sweaty and shaky. The pit of my stomach has tied itself into multiple knots. My body burns with heat. My breathing is now uncontrollable. I hold my chest is tight and I am gasping for air. I feel like I am being strangled by someone unseen. Fearing that I will die I begin to sob. Sobbing turns into hysterical crying. I immediately get up from my seat and run outside. Screaming with pain and fear. I kneel down to calm myself. I hold my arms close, rocking myself until I am at peace. :::
During my undergraduate years I can remember learning to control my anxiety before they turned into a panic attack. There were some moments where I slipped and things became a little difficult to handle but for the most part I was doing really well. I will say that the use of recreational drugs (marijuana), along with other forms of therapy (non-medicinal), significantly helped with my anxiety. By no means am I advising others who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder to use that method, I'm just saying what worked for me. Also, you are probably wondering why I never took prescribed medication. I am the type of person that does a lot of research and I wasn't conformable with the side effects that some people were experiencing from these prescribed medications. So, I took the holistic route. This method of treatment obviously ended once I graduated college. After college, while in AmeriCorps NCCC, I can specifically remember having one very bad panic attack. This was earlier on in my service year when a very close family friend of mine passed away. Thankfully I had a tremendous amount of support from my AmeriCorps NCCC team and I was able to go to them when I felt my anxiety coming back. Another thing that helped with my anxiety was exercising. Anytime I felt my anxiety getting bad I would immediately go for a walk or run. This activity allowed me to clear my head and level myself.
Now, you are probably wondering why I am writing about this now. A few weeks ago I noticed that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than normal. Initially I thought it was post vacation blues. Then when the anxiety occurred daily I became a lot more concerned about it. To be honest I did have a lot on my mental plate. I was dealing with a little heartbreak, worried about my professional future and I was dealing with some major issues with my birth father. Unfortunately, my anxiety got the best of me and I had a really rough two weeks. I have had five panic attacks in the past two weeks. Last Thursday I cried for my entire 40 minute subway ride to work and all day at work. That is when I realized that I needed to address this problem head on and stop denying it.
I choose to hide my anxiety and panic disorder because it makes me feel weak, alone and like no one understands me. I also feel like I'm never going to get better. I fear that this will interfere with every aspect of my life from professional to personal. However, after seeing a counselor about what was going on it was evident that I deal with this.
So here I am dealing with it.
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