12 and Pregnant

Recently I read an article in the Huffington Post entitled, New Mexico Bill Would Criminalize Abortions After Rape As 'Tampering With Evidence'. Upon continuing to reading the post my initial thought was rage. So to educate myself I continued to read the article, which states, "Tampering with evidence shall include procuring or facilitating an abortion, or compelling or coercing another to obtain an abortion, of a fetus that is the result of criminal sexual penetration or incest with the intent to destroy evidence of the crime..."

After reading the entire article I felt that I had to express my views on this topic. This not because I am a concerned US citizen, a crying parent, an angry politician or bible belt wearing saint. I am writing this because I am one of those women this law talks about. Thirteen years ago I was a victim of sexual assault and rape. I was the daughter, granddaughter, sister, and friend that was bound by the disgusting mind of a child molester. So unlike this person who proposed for this bill to be passed, I have a say and I'm saying it.

Just as a full warning, I am very comfortable with discussing what happened to me. I am in no way ashamed nor embarrassed to share my story. It took me 6 years before I ever spoke a word to anyone about what happened to me. I won't be silent now.

I have written several essays about my experience, and each time I discover a new emotion behind it. Some days there's anger and rage, others there is pity and sorrow. I used to reserve these emotions for myself but for the past few years they have been directed at my abuser. It took a great deal of time but I have forgiven that person. Not because I thought they deserved it but because I couldn't go on with my life and forgive myself if I hadn't. I have always been raised in a family were forgiveness was an essential part of life, no matter the crime. However, I have learned that forgiving is much easier than forgetting.

The human brain has to be one of my favorite organs. I can admit that the heart is just as beautiful. But without our brains we are nothing. One thing in particular about the brain that amazes me is its ability to store memory. The hippocampus pronounced [hip-uh-kam-puh s], located in the temporal lobes, is essential for memory function, particularly the transference from short-term to long-term memory and control of spatial memory and behavior. The amygdala pronounced [uh-mig-duh-lee], serves its primary role in the processing and memory or emotional reactions and social and sexual behavior. Don't worry this won't be a lecture on the human brain, I'm just simply trying to get you to understand the connection here. Reading that article triggered those functions in my brain. I immediately thought of 12-year-old me and the emotions that I felt. As a reaction to that thought I thought of what my life would have been like if I had been a 12-year-old pregnant by a someone I considered family.

If a law such as this one existed when I was 12 years old, I could be a mother of a 13-year-old right now. Actually, just the thought of that being a possibility is laughable to me. The fact that anyone would consider forcing an innocent child or person to birth a baby out of rape is beyond insane.  Rape is not just a physical act, but that person is forever mentally damaged. Every time that I come within an inch of have having sexual intercourse my mind reverts back to that torturous summer. Back to feeling dirty hands touching parts of my body my mother told me were sacred. Back to evil stares and false I love you's. Back to dark cold night of hands 5 times the size as mine running up my legs and in between my thighs. Back to feeling a penis ripping my tiny flesh apart. Back to fearing tomorrow. The day where he would continue to  take what was rightfully mine. Back to my 12 year self conjuring up lies to keep him away. Back to hot breath and heavy weight pressing on my tiny skin. Back to pain.

Thankfully when those thoughts begin to race through my mind I know that I am now free. I don't have to worry about carrying some bastard child or think of a lie to keep him away from me because I am sore from the previous night. I am choosing who I give myself to. I know that I have control over my body and what happens to it. I'm not that scared and weak 12-year-old girl anymore. I am a woman who is in control of her own body and who chooses what gets to grow inside of it.

So to that politician that decided to present that bill, I want her to go to the 207,754 people who are sexually assaulted every 2 minutes and tell them to birth the child that will bring them nothing but pain, agony and sorrow. I want her to sit and listen to what starts to pour from their temporal lobes.