Letters to My Father: Years 2010, 2013, 2015

These are letters that I wrote to my birth father within the past five years.  When writing the first letter I had every intention of mailing it off, but unfortunately I never had the courage to. I wrote these letter with the intention to release some of my own personal emotions. At this point in my life I don't know if this has worked for me or if it has made things worst. I'm not sure if I will every write another letter but I will definitely continue to explore this part of my life.  Enjoy!

April 9, 2010

Dear Father,

All I know about you is your first and last name. No birthday, no family history, no school names, no favorite colors, no genetic diseases, no nicknames, not even a middle name. So if I was to try to look for you, it would be almost impossible to find out who you are. I knew nothing about who you were for a long time. I didn’t even know that you existed. It wasn’t until high school that I really began to wonder who you were, but at that time I didn’t really care to know who you were. I always thought that I would be better off not knowing. That was until I would see other teenage girls to have their fathers in their lives giving them boy advice and telling them the rules of dating. I didn’t have you to teach me how to fish, ride a bike, throw rocks, build things, take them apart, or to learn about cars. I’m not saying that since you weren’t there I never learned these things, but these are things that a father should teach his daughter. My mother did everything that she could to make up for what you didn’t do. But the reality is that she is not a man and can never be one.  I think that I would have been a wonderful daughter to you. I would come to you to tell you about my day, to ask you all sorts of questions about your work. I would have been the daughter to cherish her daddy and be proud of him, for the man that he was. I would have been the daughter to want any boy that I date to be just like you because I would know that I had the daddy who would love his daughter unconditionally. I would have been the daughter who would want you to give me away on my wedding day. I would be the daughter who needed your protection from all men.

In my freshman year of college, I told myself that I would find out who you were before my graduation day. I won’t look to you for money.  I just want to meet you, to see who this other half of me is. I want to know where I got my lazy eye from. I want to know who is responsible for me having small fingers and toes. I want to know if you bit your nails when you were younger or if you still do. I want to know what you look like, if you look like what I imagined. Are you short and brown skin like me or are you tall and light-skinned? Do you walk the way I walk and talk the way I do? Are you a people person and love to be around a big crowd like me? Do you like to read and write? What was your favorite subject in school? Did you even like school? What were your goals in life? Did you want to have kids? Did you love my mother? Or even care about her? Did you know about me? Did you ever think about me or did you want to find me? Have you been watching me from a distance all these years? Do I have any other siblings? Or a step mother? If so, what are they like? Do they look like me?

I have spent all fours years of my college life trying to find you. Calling many homes with the only information that I knew about you and having no success in my search. Asking around with people who I thought may know who you are and where you were. Many told lies and didn’t say much about you. It was if you never existed. I remember giving up in my sophomore year because I would get so tired of finding dead ends. Then after I came back from studying abroad in South Korea, I figured I could try again. I remember calling houses and people’s jobs explaining who I was and what I was trying to do. One lady even got mad at me for asking about the wrong person. I just knew that I was going to meet the man who blood ran deep in my veins. I have since then been unsuccessful with finding out who you are. I still only know two pieces of information about you, which is your first and last name. I don’t know your birthday, your favorite color, your family history or even your middle name. So if I continue to look for you it would be almost impossible for me to succeed. If I ever get the chance to meet you and tell you anything it would just be thank you. Thank you for showing me what a man and a father shouldn’t be like. I thank you for letting me experience hurt and pain. I thank you for abandoning me. It has made me much stronger than I ever would have been. Thank you for not being there when I didn’t want you there. Thank you for not being able to tell my secrets and to stop me from doing all the wrong things I did. Thank you for showing me how much you cared about me.

Your daughter,

Dominique

Three years later…

April 13, 2013

Dear Anthony Simpson,

It has been seven years since I began my journey to find you and seven long years it has been. In my previous letter I felt the need to please you and let you know that I was the perfect daughter. I felt that I owed it to you and myself. However, after much failure and frustration my feelings have severely changed. With no help from you I have graduated from Tougaloo College with honors. I served for 2 year in AmeriCorps, helping families and organizations around the country that were in need. I mentored to children, without parents, who needed a big sister and friend to turn to. I am currently studying for my Masters in Publishing and started my own website. I don’t have any children. I have never been in trouble with the law and I have a wonderful and supportive mother who has been there all the times you weren’t.

A year ago I found out some less than flattering things about you. One in particular I’m sure that you are very aware of and that I won’t mention. Unfortunately I never learned if I had siblings, your favorite color, if you wanted children or if you even know who I am. I thought for a long time that not knowing you would have a negative effect on my life. I have now come to the realization that not knowing those details about your life has only made me stronger. It has taught me to be independent and self-assuring. To love myself even if no one else will.  Yes, I have had some struggles in life but each and every time I have picked myself up and kept on living.

Anthony I want you to know that during all those years I only wanted one thing from you and that was recognition. I never wanted money or even five minutes of your time. I just wanted you to know that I have succeeded far beyond I can imagine. I am only 24 years old accomplished many things beyond what I could have ever dreamed with still many more years ahead of me. I have allowed your absence to severely affect my relationship with many people in my life. I spend so much time trying to get people to love me and accept me only because you never did. I always thought that my relationship with you, the back and forth of fighting for you to love me, was normal. That same behavior reflected into the rest of my life. I have experienced too much heartache because of your nonexistent love. So, I officially give up trying to find you. I no longer care about your middle name, your favorite food, if you have other children, or what you want to do with your life. I have lived this long without you and I intended on keeping it that way. I have been blessed beyond my means and I owe none of that credit to you.

Your daughter,

Dominique Ingram

Two Years later...

April 20, 205

Hello again, 

This is the third letter that I have written to you. Although I don't mail them, I feel that I have to write them to feel some sort of relief. Well to catch you up it's been two years since the last time I wrote you. At that time I had just moved to New York and started my masters program. I completed my program in December 2014 and will be graduating this May, actually 16 days after my birthday. I always thought it was cool to have a birthday in May, best graduation and Mother's Day gift ever. I'm actually pretty excited about this graduation, I will be one of two people in my family (on my mothers side) that will graduate with a Masters degree. I won't celebrate too much though, just my mom, fiance, and a close family friend. Oh, yeah I'm getting married! I'm really excited about that too. My finance, KC, he is amazing. Perfect  gentleman and loves God. He has been super supportive and is always there to lend a helping hand when I need one. We have been engaged since last September and will have a summer wedding. Very small and intimate. I don't really want a whole lot of people there so I am very excited about the setting. 

I don't want to bore you with my life story but I bet you are probably wondering why I writing you. I actually started looking for you while I was at Tougaloo in Jackson. At that time I was very shy and wasn't sure of how to approach you. So instead of being rejected I decided to write letters to you, but never mail them. 

So, I don't want to get too deep into my life and feel like I never ask how you are doing. So, how are you? What do you do? As I'm writing this I realize that I have no idea what else to ask you. I don't know anything about you. To be honest I think about what you are like all the time. Are you tall or short? Which do you like more, spicy or sweet? Chocolate or vanilla? What's your favorite color? Your favorite food? What did you want to be when you were a kid? Has your life turned out the way you imagined? Do you ever think about me?

Well, I feel like I  may be putting too much on you right now. I don't run you off, again. So, I guess I'll write you again in a couple of years. 

Wherever you are I hope that you are doing fine. 

Sincerely, 

D.I. 

HOW To: Refresh Locs

Throwback Thursday; No Longer Starving for Love

July 2, 2013

So last night I received a late text from KC, a handsome fella that I am seeing, telling me about a sermon by Dr. Charles Stanley entitled “Starved for Love”. After telling me that I should check it out I did so and listened to it the next day (today). I was initially a little confused on where the topic was going. However, after 5 minutes within the message I was immediately hooked.

Messages like this always come when you least expect it. KC and I have been seeing each other for about 2 months and things have been going well. We are trying to make it important to build a relationship that is pleasing in the eyes of God. Since this is something that is completely new to both of us we are finding it a bit difficult. Sometimes in my case overwhelming. Being in this very open and honest “relationship” has allowed for there to be very little room for doubt. Knowing that we are not perfect people, we fail and those failures can be a real drag when we are trying to accomplish something much greater than ourselves. But this is where the message comes into play.

Before this past year I know that I was starving for love. I am a fatherless child who has been abused physically, mentally, and sexually by 80% of the men that have been in my life. Time after time I would go into circles, dating the same type of guys and not learning from past mistakes and situations. I focused all of my time on my love life failing and what I was doing wrong. I was dating and picking men at the level of my self esteem. I needed to be picking a man that would lead, protect and pastor me. Dr. Charles Stanley lists 13 personality traits of someone who is starving for love, they are as follows:

1. Someone who finds themselves in Immoral Situations: When sex becomes a road block to genuine love, esp. when they do not understand what love is about.
2. Commit Crimes: A person will commit crimes because there is a deep yearning within themselves that is missing.
3. Lacks Self Love
4. Does excessive shopping to fill a void.
5. They are lonely.
6. They are critical of other peoples relationships.
7. Angry all the time.
8. Absorbed within themselves.
9. They try to buy love.
10. Overly Complimentary
11. Always in Agreement
12. Do whatever other people want.
13. Willing to make personal sacrifices to buy love

After looking over this list I found that I had quite a number of these traits a few years. Not all, but more than I would like to have. I was starving for a love that was false and ungodly. A love that would eventually hurt me in the end and I would be back to square one.

The wonderful thing about KC and my “relationship” is that we both have the same goals and wants in a relationship. Just as I want a man who can lead, protect and pastor me he wants a woman that can help him become the man of God that he is called to be. We acknowledge when we are feeling a certain way and are unsure about whats going on. The number one thing is that God is the center of everything and that his love shines through it all. I’m not sure of the ending of this story with KC, but I can say because God is in the midst of this I know its going to be one pleasing to the heart. It’s only been two months and everyday I am becoming more blessed and beautiful because God has placed him in my life.

Looking back on it I am happy I went through those situations. My story isn’t finished yet, but if I hadn’t gone through those things I would have never met someone who I know I prayed  to God for a long time and who he himself gave to me. This thing is a work in progress and it takes a lot of patience, a lot of patience! All I can do is keep God first, love me second and be the best woman in Christ I know how to be.

Starving for love is of the past, now I can feast on it and become overwhelmingly full with joy.

Throwback Thursday: clamminess at its finest

April 5, 2012

i have always had clammy hands. not to the point where they are soaked, but just enough to bother me. and enough for me to have to drag my hands along my pants once or twice a day. i didnt think it was a problem, i actually thought it happened to everyone. you know when you’re nervous, hot, when you’re typing, and even eating hot food your hands sweat. normal right? well…

anywho, i was talk to Ivory (my cousin) the other day and was complaining about how clammy my hands were. She, being the detective that she is, quickly looked up information on exactly what my hands problem was. here are the details:

Name: Palmar Hyperhidrosis

Cause: Primary cause of Palmar Hyperhidrosis is unknown, but there are some surgeons that claim it is caused by sympathetic (haha sympathetic) over activity. Also, nervousness or excitement can intensify the clamminess.

Possible Treatments:

1. Aluminum Chloride- stuff used in deodorant
2. Botox- which you would have to get every 4-9 months
3. Oxybutynin- which is an anticholinergic drug (I had to look that up) that has side effects of drowsiness, visual symptoms and dryness of the mouth.
4. Lastly, you can just have those puppies removed, and by puppies I mean your sweat glands.

Other stuff: There are also cases were Palmar Hyperhidrosis can create devastating emotional effects on a persons life. Most affected people are constantly aware of their clamminess and try to avoid situations were they could possibly be embarrassed. They avoid touching objects and humans. Having a job in culinary would be difficult because they would run the risk of knives slipping out their hands. If they had a job that required a background check they would have a difficult time getting finger prints. They would have to constantly wipe things down if they worked in sales and they would find difficulty playing an instrument.

now, with knowing all that information, i began to double think this little moist problem of mine. (btw i hate to say the word moist, but typing it is not so bad) although it sounds horrible, there is definitely an upside to this. im in an elite group of people. about 2.8% of Americans are affected by Hyperhidrosis. that made me feel special. i began to feel a little better about it and embrace it. i’ll just try to avoid doors, people, fingerprint scanners, computers, cellphones, bottles, pens, animals, food, knives, faucets and humans.

peace

nikki

p.s. as i wrote this i dried my hands approximately 20 times.

True Life: I Have Anxiety and Panic Disorder

When I was 12 years old I was molested by a family friend. Since then I have dealt with a really bad case of anxiety. For years I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn’t understand what anxiety was and how it even happened to me. I thought I was dealing this typical teenage girl problems, you know the mood swings, attitudes and crying all the time. I didn’t know what triggered my anxiety or how to stop it. So for nearly 7 years I hid my problem. If I felt a panic attack coming I would hide anywhere to keep my secret, places like  the bathroom, my bedroom or even a closet. I would sit for minutes even close to an hour trying to calm myself down. Sometimes I would be successful, others I just fought through it until I cried myself to sleep.

I realize that this may sound very foreign and confusing to some people, especially those who have never experienced this personally. So, I will attempt to explain what a typical panic attack for me is like.

::: I am sitting in church, not really paying attention to what is going on. My body is there but my mind is in a very dark and cloudy place. I’m thinking about my recent breakup with my boyfriend. Someone who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. As I am thinking about the way the breakup happened, over the phone, my mind begins to run. Faster and harder. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute. My hands are sweaty and shaky. The pit of my stomach has tied itself into multiple knots. My body burns with heat. My breathing is now uncontrollable. I hold my chest is tight and I am gasping for air. I feel like I am being strangled by someone unseen. Fearing that I will die I begin to sob. Sobbing turns into hysterical crying. I immediately get up from my seat and run outside. Screaming with pain and fear. I kneel down to calm myself. I hold my arms close, rocking myself until I  am at peace. :::

During my undergraduate years I can remember learning to control my anxiety before they turned into a panic attack. There were some moments where I slipped and things became a little difficult to handle but for the most part I was doing really well. I will say that the use of recreational drugs (marijuana), along with other forms of therapy (non-medicinal), significantly helped with my anxiety. By no means am I advising others who suffer from anxiety or panic disorder to use that method, I’m just saying what worked for me. Also, you are probably wondering why I never  took prescribed medication.  I am the type of person that does a lot of research and I wasn’t conformable with the side effects that some people were experiencing from these prescribed medications. So, I took the holistic route. This method of treatment  obviously ended once I graduated college.  After college, while in AmeriCorps NCCC, I can specifically remember having one very bad panic attack. This was earlier on in my service year when a very close family friend of mine passed away. Thankfully I had a tremendous amount of support from my AmeriCorps NCCC team and I was able to go to them when I felt my anxiety coming back. Another thing that helped with my anxiety was exercising. Anytime I felt my anxiety getting bad I would immediately go for a walk or run. This activity allowed me to clear my head and level myself.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am writing about this now. A few weeks ago I noticed that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than normal. Initially I thought it was post vacation blues. Then when the anxiety occurred daily I became a lot more concerned about it. To be honest I did have a lot on my mental plate. I was dealing with a little heartbreak, worried about my professional future and I was dealing with some major issues with my birth father. Unfortunately, my anxiety got the best of me and I had a really rough two weeks.  I have had five panic attacks in the past two weeks. Last Thursday I cried for my entire 40 minute subway ride to work and  all day at work. That is when I realized that I needed to address this problem head on and stop denying it.

I choose to hide my anxiety and panic disorder because it makes me feel weak, alone and like no one understands me. I also feel like I’m never going to get better. I fear that this will interfere with every aspect of my life from professional to personal. However, after seeing a counselor about what was going on it was evident that I deal with this.

So here I am dealing with it.